CLEAR Biblical Counsel

Your Help Is Needed!

2011-01-05T21:12:00.002-05:00

I need your help. In order to finish my PhD, I need to have over 200 people complete this online survey for my dissertation. It will take you about 15 minutes. If you're at least 18 years old and have been in a relationship for at least one year, than you qualify. Your participation is greatly appreciated!!

https://www.counselingtechnology.net/do.php?survey=s209205

The Benefits of Texting & Facebook for Teens, And Reasons Why Parents Should Allow It Within Limits.

2010-11-13T14:50:00.002-05:00

Recent research findings indicate that modern-day modes of communication can greatly benefit teens, especially anxious teens and boys. Teens in general, and anxious teens in particular, greatly fear humiliation and rejection. Developing new friendships, and deepening existing friendships, can be quite difficult for them. Using texting, instant messaging, and Facebook can help the them by providing some space and protection from potential, immediate negative feedback which would cause the teen to shutdown and withdraw. These modalities allow them to take greater risks of healthy self-disclosure that can enhance friendship development and ultimately increase self-confidence and well-being. This is proven in the research. Social networks, like Facebook, break down barriers to communication, such as cliques, popularity, socio-economics, and physical separation. Kids who normally wouldn't speak to each other at school are now able to connect and built friendships. There is a greater community being experienced online than at school.

Eight-years ago only 11% of a teen's friends were online. Now, only about 11% are NOT online. Teens online now communicate almost exclusively with their friends. In the past, they mainly communicated with strangers in chat rooms. In today's culture, if your teen does not have access to texting or Facebook, they could be completely left out of their community network. In my practice, I have seen teen's mentally health improve by utilizing these means of communication. They have more friends, closer friends, and feel better about themselves. It contradicts what we first thought would happen years ago, that kids would become even more socially isolated, but it's true. They still need face-to-face interaction, but the use of these technologies can make that connection less difficult to initiate and maintain.

Many parents, especially anxious parents, fear the new means of communication- cell phones, texting, instant messaging, Facebook and Myspace, but things have changed for the better over the last decade. Security applications and parental controls for Facebook and cell phones have greatly improved. Parents can now monitor and limit the amount of usage for cell phones, texting, and social networking activities. Facebook settings allow for your child's profile information to only be seen by friends. Nothing's perfect of course, but multiple research studies indicate that these communication formats are much safer and that there are benefits for the teen being plugged in.

Some further suggestions for parents who decide to let their teens use these technologies:

**Join the revolution and stop criticizing these new forms of communication (it only makes you look old). These things are here to stay. Get a phone that allows you to text. Get a Facebook account and become your child's friend. Knowledge always breaks down fear. Interact with these technologies to gain a better understanding of your child's world.

**Protect your teen from pornography, especially if you have a son. The percentage of male teens who view pornography on a regular basis has skyrocketed over the last decade. Never before in the history of mankind has the accessibility of porn been so easy for young men to obtain. Don't assume your child would never view it. I can't tell you how many times I've worked with parents shocked by their son's porn use, often for years. Regardless of your personal views regarding pornography, research overwhelming indicates that the viewing of porn by young men is significantly harmful. Get protection for your home computers, and your child's smart phone, PSP, or iTouch. Yes, these devises can access the internet and therefore porn. Since the iTouch came out and replaced the more common iPod, many young men view porn on it. Apple has software that will block it, but you must install it. Protect your child's future from sexual addiction and problems with intimacy by protecting them now!

** Limit texting to 120 texts per day, and social networking to less than 3-hours per day. Research indicates that surpassing these levels of use greatly increases the chance of being involved with more negative things like smoking, drug & alcohol use, fighting, and promiscuous sexual behavior. The use of these communication technologies follows the law of diminishing returns, which states that something is beneficial up to a point of use. Then, with every increment of greater use, it becomes more harmful. Think of Aspirin- very helpful up to a point, then harmful and even lethal. I recommend to my clients allowing their teen to have a half-hour of free time when they get home from school to text, facebook, or play a video game. Then ALL technologies should be off when they do homework, except maybe some music in the background. Then once they are done, they can resume activities. Use of these things should be less during the school week than the weekend. I'd suggest a maximum of 2-hours of all media during the week and 4-5 hours on weekend days. Texting can be for a little longer as long as it does not exceed the limit stated above.

Teach your child to compartmentalize and balance these wonderful new inventions, whether it be communication technologies or video games. They need to learn how to use them, and when to turn them off so that they don't distract them or rob them of more relationship enhancing activities. The world is an ever changing place and we must change with it so that we can properly guide our young people to maximize the new technologies and minimize their risks.

Christopher McCarthy, MEd, LPC (www.myanxiouschild.com)

References: 1.) "Social Consequences of the Internet for Adolescents: A decade of research. Patti Valkenburg & Jochen Peter. Published by Association of Psychological Sciences, 18 (1), 2010. 2.) Hyper-texting and Hyper-Networking pose new health risks for teens. Scott Frank. APHA annual meeting, 2010.

He Leaves Me Hanging: Identifying the Emotionally Distant Husband

2010-09-29T23:26:00.000-04:00

Are you eager to be linked in a loving relationship with a man who cares about you deeply, but it’s just not happening? Are you willing to encourage him on the deepest emotional levels, but you can’t chip through the ice? Do you feel that despite your relatively lax expectations (i.e. making few demands), you are being taken advantage of? In other words, does a void exist for you?

In the book Distant Partner, Dr. Les Carter describes a marriage characterized by an emotionally distant husband. He writes:

"The hurting people who come to see me are trying to cope with anger, depression, anxiety, and the like stemming from their marriage. Since these issues are usually played out in the home, I often face the task of helping people understand how their emotions relate to their unsolved marriage problems.

Over twenty-five thousand counseling sessions have shown me that the single most common marital problem I encounter is the case of an emotionally eager wife whose husband will not engage with her on a deep, meaningful, and personal level. These phrases are indicators of the problem:

■“Just when I think we’ve really connected, he does something to prove he never understood a thing I said.”

■“I think the guy is oblivious to my feelings.”

■“What does it take to get through to him?”

■“He cares more about his work [or sports or hobbies] than he does about me.”

As the relationship progresses, or rather, fails to progress, feelings of disillusionment and futility become entrenched, and faulty patterns of communication yield increasing frustration. Failure to progress is not for lack of trying.

As I consult in case after case, I see that many emotionally eager women have good reason to feel disappointed. Most women need strong, growing relationships that are openly expressed, and their husbands fail to supply that need. These wives are living with men who have unconsciously committed themselves to an evasive way of life.

The wives aren’t the only ones hurt by this evasiveness. These men, unwilling to seriously explore the depths of their own emotional needs, perch securely atop their own little time bombs. As frustration and confusion mount, something will eventually blow.

If at all possible, I include husbands in my counseling sessions. You’d be surprised how often these undemonstrative men are looking, deep inside, for a way to jump-start their marriages. At least at an unexpected level, they are begging for someone to show them a better way to relate to their wives. In these cases, the potential for counseling success is very strong. I can show spouses the best method to address their unique relational needs, and the lessons will probably “take.”

When the husband, however, is unwilling to participate in counseling, the wife still has some excellent options. Her spouse may cling to stubborn, evasive patterns of relating, but she can make improvements in two general areas:

1. Have you noticed that in our culture, the burden of a relationship often falls on the woman? The woman is expected to “make it work.” If a man remains faithful, he gets the credit; if he strays, it’s somehow her fault, at least in part. When a relationship unravels, the greater share of the blame ends on her doorstep.

Counseling, however, can help a woman learn what lies behind the scenes of her husband’s personality, what makes him do what he does. With that knowledge in hand, she can come to realize that her husband’s behavior is not her fault after all.

2. The woman can examine the ways in which she reacts to her husband. From there she can figure out better ways of relating that will cause her less stress and personal frustration. Then, even if he never improves his behavior, she can still enjoy improved personal stability. She can be happier.

Identifying Pattern

The first step toward improving one’s relationship is to understand what constitutes patterns in marriages that can, frankly, be emotionally abusive.

It sounds so far as if I’ve been painting the husbands as villains. That’s not true in the least. Most of these men have perfectly honorable intentions and would never try to hurt their wives. But even though they usually do not set out to harm, it happens all the same.

The problem lies in the way most (not all by any means!) men approach life. As a general rule, men are less naturally inclined than women to address personal or sensitive subjects. This isn’t simply fear of pain. They really aren’t as interested. They have a natural tendency to bypass the lengthy processing that is so necessary to intimate personal interchanges and skip straight to the solution.

When the wife seeks greater depth than simply problem-options-solution and presses to explore the emotional side of an issue or its ramifications, the man’s frustration kicks in. “We’ve already handled the problem; therefore, it doesn’t exist anymore; so what is it with this woman?” To him, detailed processing is useless, perhaps even inane.

He then—and this is a key—begins looking for ways to end his participation in his wife’s processing. He may withdraw or try to put her back onto a path of logic or perhaps even explode. The explosion, you see, is a diversion, a distraction—in essence, a change of subject. Changing the subject is another often-used way out of processing. He is guided by the dread of having to spend any more time than is necessary to dwell on her emotional needs, for he almost never sees them as needs.

Women generally experience feelings and emotions more intensely than do men, mostly because they allow themselves to. A wife lets emotions run their course even as the husband is trying to stuff them, to get rid of them, for he sees them as anti-productive. Let me emphasize that there is no right-and-wrong about having strong emotions or even, to some extent, downplaying them. But because she recognizes and even nurtures her emotional side, the wife can enjoy life in its richest, fullest dimension.

Relationship and family connections are the most important ingredients in most wives’ lives. By their very nature, close relationships generate strong emotions. The wife can inadvertently create problems when she so craves emotional connections that she loses the ability to respond with reason or calm. She may become anxious; she certainly becomes angry. Not to put too fine a point on it, but hers is an insistent anger whereas his is a resistant anger.

The woman locked into these patterns can cry and complain that she feels unloved. She has such a powerful need to feel understood and cherished at an emotional level that she becomes greatly disillusioned when external signs of that understanding are nonexistent.

Evasive husbands invent a broad range of behaviors for avoiding the in-depth discussions they see as useless and potentially harmful: the silent treatment, pretended agreement, constant forgetfulness, procrastination, laziness, temper outbursts, work-a-holism, undue attention to a hobby or sport, and in general merely being unavailable. The evasive man may tune out. He might say whatever he thinks his wife wants to hear at that moment, to prevent the boat from rocking, you see, and harbors no intention of actually following through.

To counter evasiveness, the emotionally eager wife will be prone toward responses such as crying, persuading, calling friends for support, acting moody, repeating the same requests, accusing, and giving up. Once the cycle gets going it can be difficult to break.

Factors Behind the Pattern

In my practice, I see seven factors that are very common in marriages affected by the evasive and the emotionally eager relationship patterns. As we examine them, you will see that this tug-of-war is not confined to a few households. It is widespread. I find this tension in the homes of driven, success-oriented people and in laid-back, take-it-easy relationships. Some of the participants have a history of poor relations with others, while some can point to great popularity with others.

If your husband will join you in the awareness process, that’s great! Use the information provided as a springboard for healthy, honest discussion. If he will not, and many won’t, choose to make yourself aware of what’s happening and grow anyway. One person working toward a healthy style of relating is better than no one at all taking steps.

Let’s look at the seven indicators:

1. Communication is reduced to power plays. If nothing else, evasive behavior creates a feeling of power. This concept of control and power-wielding can take some strange twists, and the people involved usually do not see it for what it is.

If the emotionally eager wife responds with her own overbearing style instead of understanding his fear of being controlled, she does the very thing that makes matters worse. She speaks coercively.

Perversely, even a caring husband derives a certain subconscious satisfaction when he witnesses his wife in great emotional distress. The underlying thought: You see? I do have power! I can control her emotions, and that’s not an easy thing to do. My tactics worked.

The more the wife registers anger or futility, the more likely the evasive husband will continue to respond with power tactics. His urgent, compelling need to keep the upper hand is satisfied. And I repeat, this is not necessarily deliberate. Usually, it is all going on in the darkest caverns of the mind.

2. He avoids commitment and personal accountability. A common complaint I hear from emotionally eager wives is that they cannot get a solid commitment to anything. Their man is hard to pin down.

Remember that evasive husbands unconsciously lust for power. They must maintain control. So it isn’t hard to see why they don’t want to be held accountable to specific plans. They have confused commitment with enslavement or coercion and wrongly assume the words mean much the same thing. They see simple requests, then, as attempts at coercion, and they circumvent them by remaining vague.

These men realize that accountability requires a certain amount of vulnerability, and that scares them. Clear communication, self-revelation, and openness: These qualities could boomerang on them, they fear. The evasive person also fears that his good nature will be taken advantage of, so he plays it safe by revealing the least amount that he can about his plans, his preferences, his feelings.

Although these men would never admit it even to themselves, they have made a commitment to dishonesty. Sometimes blatant lying is involved, as when a man says he will do something, knowing full well that he will not. But usually this dishonesty is more subtle. Without openly lying, these men try to create an illusion of cooperation when in fact they inwardly hope to blaze their own trails independently of their mates’ plans.

With this fear of accountability, these men fuel the wives’ worst fears of marital isolation. The men do whatever they must to keep a safe distance—exactly the opposite of what the emotionally eager wives are seeking. The men keep their feelings well hidden; the wives want feelings brought into view. The men think they dare not expose their preferences lest they be denied (in other words, the woman controls the situation through the power of choice). The women want more than anything else to know what their men want.

Needless to say, this factor of poor accountability works against the success of any relationship, for a thriving marriage needs sharing and openness in order to be truly fused into a unit.

3. Leadership roles are confused. With all this control jockeying and poor accountability, the third factor in these conflicted marriages isn’t hard to see: badly defined leadership roles. The evasive husband prefers to hold back and sidestep situations that will bring his wife’s criticism to bear, and that includes certain situations where his leadership would be expected. He may even coyly set her up to take the heat. That, you see, is real control!

Have either of these scenarios happened in your home?

• A child makes a request that Dad knows should be turned down, so he says, “Why don’t you ask your mother?” Let her be the ogre who denies the child’s wants.

• The husband hears someone reprimand his wife. This might be a stranger in public or his own mother in private. Instead of standing up for his wife, he remains silent even though he knows his wife feels abandoned.

These husbands know that the more leadership they exert, the more controversy they may encounter. It works that way in politics; it must work that way in marriage. Notice that the power plays are still going on.

But here we’re talking about open, visible leadership. Being chronic conflict avoiders, these men prefer to lie low and stay out of the fray. In the battle of the sexes, it’s a good way to keep your head from being shot off. They falsely assume that openness invites problems.

It’s that don’t-rock-the-boat thing again. Unfortunately, by backing away from the leadership role, these men are sacrificing the family’s long-term needs—a stable leader—for the short-term goal of peace-for-the-moment.

Interestingly, in many cases, men who back out of the leadership role in personal and family matters are anything but weak in business pursuits or civic projects.

1. Relationship is secondary to performance. Human beings err, make occasional wrong choices, and are occasionally selfish. In healthy marriages, the partners recognize this fact and allow plenty of room for open conflict resolution. Emotionally eager wives would welcome the chance to discuss problems. But because the evasive husband prefers to minimize his own emotional vulnerability, he customarily runs from the threat of having to struggle with emotions. Logic tells us that if a man is running away from something, he is also running toward something else. What is it that men run toward to avoid personal interactions? Performance.

Now, as a very general rule, men are performance-oriented anyway. Whereas women enjoy the process of doing something, men want to reach the goal as quickly and efficiently as possible and go on to something else. (Again, I remind you, there are plenty of exceptions to this.)

Commonly, evasive men will not mind giving time to an activity such as yard work, fishing, a project at the church. It’s familiar turf. They already know how to do those things. They’ll see a nice, neat, trimmed-up yard, the new church fence, perhaps a fish or two.something. But relationships require being not doing, an unsettling concept for many men.

2. Sexual relating is out of sync. Happy, growing marriages are typified by reasonable sexual communication. Although frequency is not the chief concern (some couples are satisfied with twice monthly sex, some enjoy it several times a week), union occurs frequently enough to remind the spouses of their love and commitment to each other. Sex is a means of maintaining secure bonding.

For evasive men, however, sex is intended not for bonding but for physical satisfaction and—here it is again—control. Who’s in the driver’s seat?

At one extreme, the evasive man abstains for long periods of time, showing virtually no interest at all in his wife sexually. He knows sex can bring out tender sharing, something he prefers to avoid. He determines that it is easier to deny the pleasures of sexual relating in order to avoid emotional intimacy. I have heard numerous accounts from women who are eager to be sexually involved with their husbands but are rebuffed for six months at a time, a year, or longer.

The more common extreme has the evasive man showing little tenderness during waking hours. When bedtime comes, his engine turns on, and he gets his satisfaction from his wife. Then he slips back into his comfortable shell. He may even turn on at two o’clock in the morning, make his move, then go back to sleep. This approach to sex neatly minimizes emotional intimacy without minimizing the feel-good experience. The wife’s emotions are hardly considered.

The emotionally eager wife, then, develops conflicting feelings about marital sex. Part of her wants it and sees it as a wonderful communication time, but she is afraid of the hurt that comes as she senses her husband is merely after physical relief.

Often, if this conflict goes on long enough, one spouse or the other may opt for an outside form of sexual satisfaction: an affair, pornography, or flirtations outside marriage. Either spouse can feel such strong disappointment as to be abnormally vulnerable to temptation.

3. Personal insights are unequal. Healthy people not only admit the need for improvement, they welcome the challenge. Growing people are willing to absorb insights and information. They actively seek out truth.

Evasive people are not inclined toward insight and awareness. Apart from the fact that it’s too much trouble for what you get out of it, the evasive husband really isn’t interested in being challenged on the personal, philosophical level. That makes him too vulnerable. He wants the comfortable routine, the level keel, putting little or no thought into the whys of life.

The emotionally eager wives are usually the type who devour self-help books, enjoy stimulating philosophical discussions, flock to seminars. They invite growth. They like being challenged about what can be done to create a fuller life and why they need to make the needed adjustments. Result: They grow and expand intellectually as their husbands tune in still another football game.

This eagerness does not always translate into significant change. Because of the wife’s tendency to play off her husband’s behavior—reacting instead of pro-acting—this woman eventually loses heart as she realizes that her efforts are not being matched by his. She begins to perceive that she’s outgrowing him. I’ve see many of these wives become increasingly agitated or collapse in despair or depression. Either way, the woman ought to press forward, gaining insight, regardless of her mate’s lack of interest.

4. Both sides feel victimized. Evasive husbands subconsciously live with a philosophy of “You leave me alone, I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll get along just fine.” The fewer challenges they encounter, the less conflict they experience, and the better they feel. The problem is that their spouses by nature yearn for a far more intimate pattern of relating.

The wife launches her various attempts to get the intimacy and depth she craves, protesting or cajoling or simply acting unhappy. The husband, turned off by his wife’s prodding, sulks and wonders, “Why do I have to live with this kind of stuff? She’s crabby for no good reason.”

Either unwilling or unable to grasp that he is contributing to the problem, he sees himself as a victim of unreasonableness. Victims are not cheerful people. The feel, if you will —of the household nose-dives as anger and sadness feed on each other.

The emotionally eager wife feels just as victimized. “When is all this misery going to end? Look what he’s doing to my life. It’s sterile! Going nowhere. Emotionally zip. When will he ever wake up, or is it always going to be this miserable?”

In a sense, there is truth to each mate’s feeling of victimization. Both spouses can point to evidence that this marriage has become something of a raw deal. Both can show legitimate ways in which the other spouse is contributing to the problem. Neither sees the whole picture. When either of them places all blame on the other partner, the “I’m a victim” attitude has gone too far.

Once this evasive pattern has become entrenched in a marriage, it is tempting to place full blame onto the shoulders of the husband who resists deep relating. Let’s say that, in certain instances, it’s true. He does need to change his ways of relating to his wife. His evasiveness damages and even destroys his position of influence in his own home. After all, God did not place us here on earth to avoid each other. We were made to relate first to God, then with family and friends.

Evasive behaviors are damaging not just to the wife but to the husband as well, preventing him from knowing the satisfaction God intended for him.

Beginning the Journey Toward Improvement

If you are the mate of someone who is non-communicative, realize that to some degree, the relational problems you’ve encountered are predictable. They show up in a lot of marriages. Also, there are some things of a general nature that you can do to ease them. For starters:

■Quit assuming responsibility for your spouse’s imperfections. He may well say, “You make me this way with your constant [nagging, whining, whatever].” That’s not true, even though he may think it is. He would be acting the same way if he were married to someone else.

■Ease up on your persuasive efforts to convince your mate to fit your mold. Coercion will only make the problem worse. This is hard to do when you desperately want change.

Down deep, you probably realize that no person is going to change, at least not effectively, based on someone else’s forceful persuasion. An evasive husband will amend his ways only if given the room to do so in his own will. That leaves the ugly prospect that he will choose not to. For now, it is wise to back off.

That does not mean that you quit doing anything. If you believe that your husband is ducking away from topics you are sure must be discussed, that he is becoming evasive in the midst of emotional exchanges, can you tell him about the frustration this creates without overworking the point or becoming confrontational? Everything will be working against you.

The heat of the moment makes a person say things she would not say at a less emotional time. And most of all, old habits die hard. You are accustomed to addressing an issue in a particular way now. It is exceptionally hard to change your approach. But it will pay dividends if you can do it. Personal soul-searching will help you turn things around and give positive traits to your marriage.

To get a good idea about how ready you are to do the soul-searching necessary for real growth, be aware of your use of one simple word. You. How often is that word spoken as you are trying to make sense of the tensions with your mate? I’m not suggesting that you should never be spoken. I am saying, though, that its overuse indicates that you are not looking inward.

In short, to improve your own satisfaction and happiness, a major step is to put your own house in order. You may find that the improvement in your life is just the catalyst your spouse needs. And even if you do not experience the adjustments in your mate that you have hoped for, you will still be a more stable and content individual. Are you willing to start with your own hard, inward search?

The emotionally eager wife will say, “Yes! Of course.” But then she amends that with a but. “I’m willing to adjust, but my husband needs to change.” Whether or not you are correct to say this, you are basing your happiness and responses on someone else’s behavior.

Your willingness to work on your own issues will be the key for finding personal peace, then potentially, success in that most important relationship, your marriage."

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The above edited article came from the great book, Distant Partner by Dr Les Carter, published by Thomas Nelson Publishers.

Are Teens Buying Into a Fake Christianity?

2010-08-31T13:53:00.000-04:00

This article reminds of a book for teens called, "Do Hard Things, which challenges teens to rise above the cultural definitions of what normal adolescence is suppose to be.

Read the article about teens and faith here :Almost Christian

Turnaround: Turning Fear Into Freedom wins award!

2010-08-23T22:52:00.000-04:00

The child anxiety product I co-created, Turnaround, was awarded the "Parent Tested, Parent Approved" (PTPA) seal of excellence! Turnaround was reviewed by an independent panel of parents and found to be "exceptional in value, functionality, quality, and appeal." Follow the link to read more.

http://www.ptpamedia.com/winning_products.php

When Considering The New Abortion Pill "Ella", Consider This Story

2010-08-14T10:19:00.001-04:00

Pam knows about the pain of considering abortion. More than 21 years ago, she and her husband, Bob, were serving as missionaries to the Philippines and praying for a fifth child. Pam contracted amoebic dysentery, an infection of the intestine caused by a parasite found in a contaminated food or drink. She entered into a coma and was treated with strong antibiotics before they discovered she was pregnant. Doctors urged her to abort the baby for her own safety and told her that the medicines had caused irreversible damage to her baby. She refused the abortion and cited her Christian faith as the reason for her hope that her son would be born without the devastating disabilities physicians predicted. The doctors "didn't think of it as a life, they thought of it as a mass of fetal tissue," Pam... said.

While pregnant, Pam nearly lost their baby four times but refused to consider abortion. She recalled making a pledge to God with her husband, "If you will give us a son, we'll name him 'Timothy,' and we'll make him a preacher." Pam ultimately spent the last two months of her pregnancy in bed and, eventually, gave birth to a healthy baby boy August 14, 1987.

Pam's youngest son is indeed a preacher. He preaches in prisons, makes hospital visits, and serves with his father's ministry in the Philippines.

He also plays football. Pam's son is Tim Tebow.

Last year, the University of Florida's star quarterback, became the first sophomore in history to win college football's highest award, the Heisman Trophy. Tim's fame and the family's inspiring story have given Pam numerous opportunities to speak on behalf of women's centers across the country.

Inteview

2010-08-11T21:29:00.000-04:00

Here is an interview I did with Charlotte Today discussing child anxiety and Turnaround: Turning Fear Into Freedom. Click Here

New Website

2010-03-19T06:59:00.000-04:00

The new website for Turnaround: Turning Fear Into Freedom is up. Turnaround is a audio program I created with my partner David Russ for the treatment of child anxiety. Check it out!

http://www.myanxiouschild.com/

Waiting with Desire

2010-03-15T22:39:00.000-04:00

So, I'm on the verge of releasing a product that I've been working on for two straight years. My partner & I thought it would take us six-months. Ha! We never would have started it if we knew it would have taken this long. No way. I was taking classes for my PhD (still trying to finish it), working a full-time practice, and raising three kids. No way. But, God had other plans.

Through this journey, God has healed my heart in many ways. I've seen my different educational degrees all come together and work in unisome. I seen my heart healed through the work of writing and creating. So fun. So hard. God has used it for such a deep healing of my heart, of my competency. I praise Him for it!

Now it's done and we're putting the final touches on it. The new website should be up in just a few days to start selling the product. Now I wait. Though the process of creating has been very fulfilling, I still desire for it to have an impact in the lives of children, to heal their anxious hearts. I wait with desire, desire greatly fulfilled thus far, but desire still waiting to be fulfilled. That is the walk with the Lord, isn't it?

The Lord loves to give us our desires. Do you believe it? Yes, He does. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of you heart" (Psalm 37:5). "If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will you Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matt. 7:11). Now, he doesn't want our desire to rule us or entangle us in sinful behaviors. He has to free hearts to receive our desires without being in bondage to them. But nevertheless, it longs to show His children His love.

I wait upon the Lord... with great anticipation... to see what He will do. I couldn't have predicted the last two years, so I certainly can't predict the next two. That's what I love about walking with God. It's such an adventure!

Chris

PS- The product is Turnaround: Turning Fear into Freedom. It is a step-by-step audio program to help kids overcome anxiety. My website is http://www.myanxiouschild.com/ and the new look will be up this week.

When Depressed, Discontent and Suicidal, Seek LIFE! (Published Version)

2010-03-02T22:42:00.001-05:00

Shelly wore the face of a depressed person. She dragged her weary body across my threshold and plopped herself on my couch. "Life is too much," she said with exhausted breath. But as she continued, it became clear to me that she actually had too little life and an abundance of death.

Life and death are the energies that ebb and flow within our lives. A healthy person focuses on creating an abundance of life and minimizes the forces of death that sap their life energy. The fruits of life are love, joy, creativity, passion, movement, peace, community, and an outward focus to name a few. Some fruits of death are boredom, fatigue, anxiety, depression, addiction, lethargy, busyness without purpose, and a focus on self. We grow weary because of the death the reigns within us, our body, mind, and soul. We need more life!

The mistake is to think that life is achieved with little effort, that something is wrong if you must work for it. But nothing could be further from the truth. A hatchling fights its way out of shell. The baby sea turtle struggles towards the sea. The seedling struggles to find light. The woman labors in child birth. Nature testifies to the truth; life must be fought for.

Consider the words of George MacDonald, "Let us in all the troubles of life remember that our one lack is life, that what we need is more life. When most oppressed, when most weary of life, let us remind ourselves that it is presence of death we are weary of. When most inclined to sleep, let us rouse ourselves to live. Of all things let us avoid the false refuge of a weary collapse, a hopeless yielding to things as they are. It is the life in us that is discontented. We need more of what is discontented, not more of the cause of its discontent. Discontent, I repeat, is the life in us that has not enough of itself."

Shelly allowed the chaos of a culture obsessed with finding life through soul killing pursuits to overwhelm her and produce the feelings of death. What she needed was a timeout to contemplate her life and the fruit it was bearing. I encouraged her to commit the next one to three months to an intense self-evaluation, determining the agents of death to be extradited from her life and the life-giving sources that needed to be nurtured and developed. I suggested a few things to help her focus this time.

First, prioritize times of solitude. This time is needed to think, contemplate, and tap into one's desires. Solitude is an unappreciated gift that fosters life. It natures the soul .

Second, read and reflect. In the age of Google and Wikipedia, where everything is reduced to simple, quick snippets of information, much is lost by not reading deeply and reflecting for the purpose of life change. Since 2000, reading rates are quickly declining as people spend more time searching the web, texting, and socializing through mediums like Facebook. Nothing wrong with those as long as they are balanced by times of solitude and reading. Life can be fostered by reading books like Daniel Pink's Drive, Timothy Ferriss's The Four-Hour Work Week, and the classic Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl.

Third, foster a spiritual life. Studies consistently show that persons of faith lead more balanced lives, experience less depression and anxiety, and are overall happier individuals. Spiritual teachings encourage altruistic living and purpose driven lives, things that have been shown to bear the fruit of life.

Finally, ground yourself in nature. Use your five senses (seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, and feeling) to experience the life that is abundant in nature. It has the affect of grounding a person by enveloping a person into something larger than themselves. Nature absorbs the stress given off by an individual and gives back life.

Shelly realized that she needed to fight for her life, that death was overtaking her and slowly killing her. She prioritized solitude and made time for reading and reflecting in her journal. She found a church starting her day with Bible reading and prayer. Shelly also included her husband and kids in her new life pursuit by including them in weekly nature hikes. The next time she crossed my threshold, she was alive and full of joy and purpose. She had created the life she was looking for.

Christopher T. McCarthy, LPC (myanxiouschild.com)

Ref. George MacDonald (Edited by Michael Phillips)- Your Life in Christ: The nature of god and His works in the human heart. Bethany House, 2005.

When Depressed, Discontent and Suicidal, Seek LIFE! Thoughts from George MacDonald

2010-02-27T07:29:00.002-05:00

"I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly." John 10:10

Some thoughts from George MacDonald's Life.

"What does the infant need but more life? What does the bosom of his mother give him but life in abundance? What does the old man need, whose limbs are weak and whose pulse is low, but more of the life which seems to be ebbing from him? Weary with feebleness, he calls upon death, but in reality it is life he wants."

"Low-sunk life imagines itself weary of life. But it is death, not life, it is weary of. Why does the poor, worn suicide seek death? Is it not in reality to escape from death- from the death of homelessness and hunger and cold, the death of failure and disappointment and distraction, the death of the exhaustion of passion, the death of crime and fear of discovery, the death of madness- of a household he cannot rule? He seek the darkness because it seems a refuge from the death which possesses him. He is a creature possessed by death. What he calls life is but a dream full of horrible phantasms."

"All things are possible with God, but all things are not easy. I imagine that from the first he has willed and labored to give existence to other creatures who should be blessed with his blessedness... The whole history is a divine agony to give divine life to creatures. The outcome of that agony, the victory of that creative and continually creative energy, will be radiant life.. This life exists for all who will receive it. ...the man to whom God is all and all, who feels his life-roots hid with Christ in God, who knows himself the inheritor of all wealth, worlds, ages, and power- that man has begun to be alive indeed."

"Let us in all the troubles of life remember that our one lack is life, that what we need is more life- more life making presence is us making us more, and more largely, alive. When most oppressed, when most weary of life, as our unbelief would phrase it, let us remind ourselves that it is in truth the inroad and presence of death we are weary of. When most inclined to sleep, let us rouse ourselves to live. Of all things let us avoid the false refuge of a weary collapse, a hopeless yielding to things as they are. It is the life in us that is discontented. We need more of what is discontented, not more of the cause of its discontent. Discontent, I repeat, is the life in us that has not enough of itself. He has the victory who, in the midst of pain and weakness, cries out, not for death or for repose of the forgetfulness, but for the strength to fight, for more power, more consciousness of being, more God in him."

Ref. George MacDonald (Edited by Michael Phillips)- Your Life in Christ: The nature of god and His works in the human heart. Bethany House, 2005.

Two Parenting Mistakes with Anxious Children

2010-01-13T06:58:00.003-05:00

Tyler begins to cry, raising his hands to cover his eyes. Eleven-year old boys hate to cry, and Tyler is especially fearful of it. It embarrasses him and makes him feel weak, even within the safe environment of my counseling room. His mother knows this, and with watery eyes herself reaches out and rubs his shoulder. "I'm sorry, honey," she says. With that he begins to cry harder, leaning over his crossed legs on the couch. I think to myself. One of the two mistakes parents can make in dealing with an anxious child. Indeed, mothers nurture and comfort their hurting children. Yes, of course. But is it possible with an anxious child that may be the entirely wrong thing to do?

North American children are experiencing clinical anxiety at ever increasing rates. The National Institute of Mental Health reports that thirteen percent of U.S. children experience disordered anxiety, while the figure for adults is twenty-percent. The University of Michigan Depression Center, the nation's first, estimates that fifteen percent of college students nationwide suffer from anxiety. Clearly children are suffering unprecedented levels of clinical anxiety, finding their minds hijacked by a myriad of fears. Even the most well-meaning parent is not intuitively equipped to deal with this. As a professional counselor who, for precisely a zillion years, has helped anxious children and their parents, I've witnessed anguished parents floundering to figure out how to best parent a fearful child. I have seen otherwise competent and good-intentioned parents inadvertently make mistakes that actually hinder the freedom of their children. By recognizing and correcting these two parenting mistakes, a parent can turnaround their child's worries and set them free.

The first mistake parents make in hindering their children's progress in overcoming anxiety is to feel sorry for them. A parent sees their child suffering and it breaks their heart. They project onto the child their own memories of suffering and pain, and mistakenly believe that the child must be feeling just as awful. Sometimes the child does, but often they don't. Anxious children cry easily, and regardless if their tears are releasing tension or, in some cases, manipulating the situation, the wise parent will not respond by feeling sorry for the child.

Seeing Tyler's tears melts mom's heart. She wants his tears to cease, so she suspends his movement forward towards freedom and let's him off the hook. Feeling sorry for him only fuels Tyler's sense of helplessness and hopelessness. He may interpret his mom's concern as, "Gee, she thinks I can't handle it either so I must be really weak!" The shared state of fear by both mother and child creates further dependency. Tyler, believing he is incapable of persevering through emotional stress and seeing that confirmed by his mother's response, seeks mom's comfort ever more. Mom, misguided by her belief that a mother's job is to always show love and support for her child by comforting and easing his fears, believes she is a caring mother and doing the correct thing. They feed off each other and the pattern deepens, sometimes for life. I've worked with many fathers who have tried to break the mother/child emotional dependent bond to no avail. It's only when mom understands the emotional reward she's getting from the relationship, and the price paid by her child, that she ceases to overly comfort him. Failure to let a child struggle perpetuates the child's helpless state and leads to the mistake number two.

The second parenting mistake made by parents of anxious children is to rescue their child from suffering. I once worked with two sisters who were terrified of scary movies. I'm not talking horror movies, but Disney movies! Every time the villain had their big scene, the girls demanded the movie be shut off and their parents promptly accommodated them. They never had watched a Disney movie to the end. The girls were practicing, and the parents were reinforcing, the number one coping behavior that both children and adults use to deal with their fears: avoidance. The whole family moved away from the fear to calm the girl’s anxious response, but it only strengthened the fear in the long-run. I explained the parent that because the children never learned to suffer through the scary parts, they never learned to calm their flight response and experience the happy ending. I called a family meeting, explained the how they all danced the jig of avoidance to Disney movies, and gave them new steps to dance.

A highly effective technique used to help children overcome fear is called exposure. Exposure is the process of introducing the fear provoking stimulus in a gradual way and allowing the child to built up tolerance to it. Slowly, step by step, the child overcomes their fear through successive exposure and tolerance formation. The key component that enables this technique to be successful is the child's willingness to tolerate small doses of suffering. By learning to manage one's temporary states of suffering, the child gains mastery over the anxious producing experience. So my prescription for these sisters was to go home, have the whole family snuggle up on the couch, and watch the movies all the way through, discovering through exposure that they could in fact handle the scary parts and that it all works out in the end. It worked and the girls can now watch the movies on their own.

Just like Tyler's mother who over comforted him during his experience of crying, when we over comfort ourselves through avoidance, we tell ourselves that it really must be bad and that we can't handle it. The way to find freedom from fear is to turnaround the pattern of avoidance into gradual exposure and build up a tolerance to it. It's just like stepping into a hot bath. At first it may be painful, but as your body learns to tolerate the heat, it becomes pleasurable.

"Kids need to feel badly sometimes," says child psychologist David Elkind, professor at Tufts University. "We learn through experience and we learn through bad experiences. Through failure we learn how to cope." It's true! When we workout at the gym, we "stress" the muscle so that it grows and becomes stronger. In the same way, as you allow your child to experience the stress of fear, and no longer feel sorry that they are experiencing short periods of pain while their minds adjust to the negative experience, they have a chance to then turnaround their fear and be free of it.

Though Tyler still doesn't like to cry (after all, he's still an eleven year old boy), he no longer fears it nor fights it. He uses the phrase I taught him from the audio treatment program I co-created called Turnaround: Turning Fear Into Freedom, "It is what it is, just chill with it!" Mom has learned that suffering is not always a bad thing, and focuses on sending him the message through her words and actions, "I trust you can handle this and I'll patiently walk beside you as you solve this problem in your own strength." She feels encouraged and joyous as her son takes flight in his new found strength, and finds that her strength has come out more too. Both have turned around their fears and found greater freedom.

Christopher McCarthy, M.Ed., LPC (www.myanxiouschild.com)

The ABCs of OCD

2009-12-19T20:16:00.005-05:00

Do you or someone you love suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? What is OCD and how can you recognize it? In all possible instances I advise you to seek professional help, but here I will also attempt to provide a basic description of a mental disorder that is often misunderstood. Unlike other mental disorders which require recognizing anywhere from four nine symptoms, OCD only requires recognition of two problems, obsessions and compulsions.

What is an Obsession?

The term's Latin root, obsidere, means "to besiege," as an army would surround a city for the purpose of forcing surrender. An obsession is truly a battle of the mind. According to the diagnostic manual used by mental health professionals, the DSM-IV, obsessions are "recurrent and persistent thoughts that are experienced as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress." The definition highlights four main qualities of clinical obsessions: intrusive, recurrent, unwanted, and inappropriate. Children may not experience all these symptoms at once.

Intrusive thoughts:

Intrusive describes images and ideas that invade a person's mind interrupting the normal mental flow. An individual will be tracking typical progressive thoughts and suddenly, bam!, a new unwanted, unexpected thought bursts into their mind. It is typically shocking and deemed culturally deplorable, like a mother assailed by murderous thoughts while nursing her child.

What it isn't. An intrusive thought is not merely a passion. As a culture we apply the term obsession to many things that are not true examples of the disorder. A teenager who is obsessed with her new boyfriend, or a point guard obsessed with his team winning the championship do not exemplify what it takes to be diagnosed with an obsessive problem. Thank goodness! Otherwise all of us with a passion for something would have OCD!

Recurrent thoughts:

The individual experiences the intrusive thought repeatedly, described by one person as a "constant bombardment that never stops." The sufferer feels powerless, hopeless, and is prone to addictions which are utilized for escape.

What it is not. An obsession is not a phobia. A phobia can be avoided and therefore the negative thoughts stop. If I'm afraid of flying, I can avoid distress by avoiding planes. No planes, no obsessive fears. An OCD sufferer experiences the recurrent, singular obsessive thought regardless of proximity to the stressor. A person who fears germs can be in a perfectly sterile environment, and know it to be so, yet not prevent the obsessive thoughts.

Unwanted thoughts:

Try as they might, an individual can't seem to stop the intrusive thoughts. They are terrorists who infiltrate all defenses, the army that breaches the parameter. Ironically, the more one resists the thoughts, the stronger their attack.

What it isn't. An obsession is not an addiction. An obsession is unwanted, one-hundred percent of the time. Not so with an addicted thought. A gambler wants to gamble, but resists the urge knowing that it ultimately is a harmful course of action. With an obsession, there is no enjoyment whatsoever.

Inappropriate thoughts:

OCD thoughts are ego-dystonic, meaning "against the person's very nature." The sufferer knows the thoughts are irrational and illogical. Yet, they keep coming. The thoughts are exaggerated, disturbing, and highly inappropriate. For many, the obsessive thoughts are truly awful- thoughts of stabbing themselves or others, being attacked by bloody horror-movie villains, or sexually abusing children. A pedophile enjoys sexual thoughts involving children. An OCD individual experiencing deviant sexual thoughts abhors them.

What it isn't. Obsessive thoughts are not psychotic thoughts. A psychotic individual believes the inappropriate thought is rational. Convinced the FBI is trailing one's car because two hundred dollars was withdrawn from the ATM today rather than the normal forty, is a psychotic thought not an OCD one.

I don't struggle with OCD but I got a taste of it recently. I saw a deer moments after it got hit by a car. Its hind leg remained attached only by a thread of cartilage. It was gruesome to watch it slip-slide across the asphalt, repeatedly falling as it sought to escape the approaching humans seeking to help. Eyes popping out of its head, tongue hanging down; it was truly awful and made my stomach sick. Throughout the day, the horrific images burst into my mind repeatedly. I was besieged with these images even as I attempted to occupy myself with other things. I began to fear that they would not depart and that I would suffer endlessly from these horrible intrusions into my psyche.

What's a Compulsion?

Going "compulsively" to Starbucks every morning to fetch a latte does not meet the criteria for a clinical compulsion. It takes more than that. A clinical compulsion is a repetitive act that is clearly excessive and is performed in order to lessen the discomfort of an obsession. The compulsion is seen as the way out of the obsession. It may, and often does, work for a while, but over time causes more bondage.

Compulsions can take an infinite number of forms but often are logical responses done excessively. The washing of hands to eliminate germs makes excellent sense. Scrubbing repetitively to the point of damaging one's hands or wiping the kitchen counter for the fifteenth time is excessive.

True OCD is a haunting disorder that leaves one feeling trapped in a repetitive cycle of obsessions followed by impotent compulsions. The obsessive-compulsive interplay is vicious, exhausting and debilitating. The good news is that much is understood now regarding the disorder and help is available.

If you or your child suffers with OCD, seek help. Cognitive-behavioral therapy can be very effective in the treatment of OCD. Medication provides relief and, in conjunction with therapy, has been shown to be the most effective treatment modality. If you have an anxious child, the audio program Turnaround:Turning Fear Into Freedom, which uses cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques, can help reduce or eliminate OCD symptoms in children. Follow the link below for further details.

Christopher T. McCarthy, M.Ed., LPC

Reference: Osborn, I. (1998). Tormenting thoughts and secret riturals: The hidden epidemic of obsessive-compulsive disorder. New York: Dell Publishing

The Fear Factor: Four Clues that Ordinary Fear has become a Child Anxiety Disorder

2009-12-19T19:57:00.004-05:00

Mary comes into my office looking hopeful yet concerned. She can't hold her question inside any longer. It thrusts out of her like a baby with projectile vomit, "I'm concerned my Andrew's worries have developed into an anxiety disorder." As a clinical therapist who specializes in the treatment of child anxiety, parents come to me seeking professional help for their fearful and anxious children. They don't have a clue concerning the criteria employed to diagnosis a child with an anxiety disorder. As Mary tells me more about Andrew's fears, I pose questions to determine if his struggle is a garden variety, childhood fear or, a more significant problem. Four factors are in my mind as we speak.

1. How intense are Andrews worries? Do they overwhelm him? Does it appear that he cannot control his fear even when he attempts to? Does fear captivate Andrew, becoming all consuming for periods of time? The higher the intensity of a child's anxiety, the more significant the problem.

2. What is the impact upon Andrew's life? How impacted is the whole family? Is the fear interfering with obligations, social relationships, academic progress, developmental progress, and the physical well-being of the child or other family members? The impact of the child's anxiety on the child and other family members is the second factor used to assess the problem.

3. How exaggerated is the fear? Does Andrew worry about age appropriate fears or are his worries beyond what other children consider normal? Are his concerns out of proportion given the circumstances? Did the freight appear to "come out of nowhere?" The exaggeration of a fear is third factor used in shaping my assessment of Andrew's anxiety.

4. What is the duration of time Andrew has struggled? Many fears are consistent with normal child development and abate with the passage of time. Mary's account of his struggle leads me to believe that the first three factors are affirmed and his fears are persistent and intensifying with time. The duration of Andrew's struggle is particularly significant. The problem is deepening as the roots of fear grow with time.

To prevent worry and anxiety from becoming a long-term struggle (when untreated it can last into adulthood), get help immediately. Mary sought out my help first but she could have also started with her pediatrician. Child anxiety is on the rise, and they are on the front lines recognizing the signs of it and recommending treatment. If your doctor advices further help, request a referral. Most communities have therapists who specialize in child anxiety.

Common child anxiety disorders include Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Attacks, Social Phobia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Separation Anxiety Disorder. The symptoms can vary to a great degree and therefore so do the treatments. One child's OCD may need to be treated with medication while another's may only need education and encouragement.

Many parents are uncomfortable taking their child to a therapist, or may be unable to afford it. Materials are available online regarding childhood anxiety, but in most cases they are tailored to the parent, not the child. While parent education is absolutely vital, a parent is not a therapist and must be cautious in treating their own child. Among the books available, some are based on clinical research, while others contain the personal experience of the writer with their child. Such wisdom often lacks broader application.

Informed Therapy Resources (ITR) has released an excellent audio program called Turnaround: Turning Fear into Freedom. Developed by two clinically experienced therapists, it uses cognitive-behavioral theory and technique, which research shows to produce the best results in the treatment of anxiety. The uniqueness of the program is that it uses children to speak to children, while adults play a secondary role. Over the course of ten days in an adventurous outdoors/hiking/camping setting, the children meet entertaining characters and face life-changing challenges that teach them how to manage, and ultimately overcome, their anxieties. From knock-knock jokes to talking beavers, from cliff-jumping to eating s'mores by the campfire, the band of young hikers gradually learn to master their fears. Each episode of the program lasts 20-30 minutes. Once the child finishes listening to each day, they complete exercises in the Turnaround Journal. Further information can be found at the link below.

If you're a parent, and are concerned about your child's worries, seek help immediately. Treating it now can eliminate potential escalating problems in the future. Mary's concerns for Andrew were well founded and he benefited from additional help. He enjoyed listening to Turnaround in the comfort of his own home while I saw him twice a month to reinforce Turnaround's message. Many child anxiety issues can be treated without medication, and many children who need medication, only need it for a season if they are they are taught coping strategies at the same time. Research shows that medication and treatment have the best results in greatly reducing, or eliminating, child anxiety. Help is available. Don't delay.

Christopher T. McCarthy, M.Ed., LPC (www.myanxiouschild.com)

Love expressed through PURSUIT

2009-10-23T07:21:00.001-04:00

I am convinced that one of the greatest wounds many of us experience in childhood and throughout life comes from the lack of pursuit. We know we are loved when we are pursued. A child knows they are loved when they have a parent pursue them, when a parent stops and asks them how they are doing, ask them what they need, inquire about their friends, etc. A spouse knows they are loved when their spouse sits and talks with them, cooks them their favorite meal, gives them a card for no special reason other than to say "thanks" or "I love you."

Last month I was at a church function and talked to a few guys that I did not know or only met maybe once before. As a counselor, I easily ask questions of others and inquire about their lives. What often amazes me is how poor men are at pursuing another person, except for some selfish gain. I talked with one guy for at least 40 minutes, asking about his job, his family, etc. Not once did he ask me any questions about my life. I left that conversation feeling un-pursued and uncared for. I later learned from my wife that that man's marriage is in major trouble. Is it any wonder! I then sat next to another man. As a golf pro, he had a very interesting life and could have gone on and on about his experiences, but he didn't. He pursued me with a passion that was impressive. His questions showed a genuine interest in me and my pursuits. I left that conversation feeling energized, happy, and wanting more. I felt pursued.

The Bible spends a great deal of time stressing how it is God that pursues us and not the other way around. He knows our heart's desire to be pursued and he goes after it. Take for example the three parables that begin in Luke 15, the parable of the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the lost son. All clearly show that God is a God that will do whatever it takes in pursuing the lost soul in order for them to experience the joy of the Father's love. God finds us and heals us through pursuit.

What's your story? Do you have wounds from your childhood due to not being pursued? How good are you at pursuing others? Do you walk closely with God in order to feels his love? Meditate and pray over this theme of pursuit. Allow the Lord to heal your heart in this area, to open your eyes to His pursuant love, and to learn how to love others better through the means of pursuit.

Longing For Heaven

2009-10-07T08:46:00.002-04:00

I recently worked with a young female who was deeply bothered by the media's portrayal of women, pornography, and all the sexual images displayed nearly everywhere. She feared it would affect her boyfriend's view of her and sex, that it was damaging the minds of her guy friends, and that it may cause her marriage to fail in the end. She has a beautiful heart and a Godly passion for purity. She wonders how she can join the fight against porn and sex in the media. It was very refreshing to see!

I asked her what she wanted, what she hoped for. She said she wanted the world to be free of all this filth, for it to be banned somehow so that people would not be affected by it. She wanted a world that was purer, cleaner, and safer for her to live in. She wanted... heaven.

Many people's deepest longings, which oddly enough show up in their obsessions, are longings for heaven. She longs for a world that is safe and secure, a world that she can be free to be herself and not have to worry about how guys are viewing her or what her boyfriend might be stumbling upon on the internet. This is a common longing for women, a world that is safe, ordered, and where relationships can be truly intimate. They want what Adam and Eve had; "they were naked and unashamed" (Gen. 2:25). I once pointed out to a woman that her OCD tendencies, her obsessing over having a clear house and everything in its place, was a longing for heaven. She said it was one of the most profound things she had ever heard. It made complete sense to her. The challenge for both these women, and for us all, is to find peace living in an imperfect world while longing and hoping for a perfect one.

Men's longings are not so much for a safe world but for one that is free from futility and the endless struggle to make things happen, work, and function well. Women were cursed with loneliness, heartache, and vulnerability (Gen. 3: 16). Men were cursed with futility and the endless toil of pulling weeds (Gen. 3:17-19). Men want a place that works and doesn't require their endless sustainment of it. This is why men long for wealth and success. They hope by having that, they will be able to rest and enjoy the fruits of their labor. Here are some dysfunctional behaviors that are really longings for heaven:

**Porn use by men is the desire to feel adequate, competent, and good enough. Sport and hobbie obsessions by men are longings for adequacy, competency, and adventure. Men are often bored. They want something to make them feel alive and strong. Those are longings for heaven, for a world where those longings can be fulfilled.

**Shopping, chick-flicks, romance novels, and the like are ways women seek to feel valuable and worthy of attention. "If I look good, I can keep the man and be accepted by other women," goes the thought. Through fantasy, "I can have the man and the deep relationships I want."

**Drug and alcohol addictions are escapes from pain and a longing for a world that is less painful, simpler, and one that allows for more fun. It's often longing for relationships to be easier and less anxious producing (the whole idea of how "after a couple of drinks I'm able to lighten up and relate better").

What are your obsessions, your "must haves," your strivings all about? Are the really longing for heaven? Maybe you need to quit striving and hope in the Lord, for not only life eternal but also the ability to live life with hope and joy as you wait for heaven. I strongly encourage you to read Romans 8:18-39. I close with two verses from that passage.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared

with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation

waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God" (Rom. 8:18-19).

Finding life apart from God (Genesis 12:10-13:4)

2009-09-30T05:17:00.000-04:00

"It is refreshing to meet a real pilgrim in the midst

of our secular, security-loving age with its

continual emphasis upon comfort, convenience, and compromise."

Ray Stedman of Abraham

Abram was this type of pilgrim before Genesis 12:10. He was walking with God, walking in the Spirit. He was journeying with Him and finding life totally dependent upon Him, symbolized by living in a tent and the building of altars. But then a famine came upon the land and everything changed.

The famine in this passage represents a threat to one's life, something that causes us to panic because we fear our life will be changed for the worse. In such times we can choose to call upon the Lord for strength and life, or we can take matters into our own hands. Abram chose the latter and we can learn a great deal from results of this choice by reading his story.

Abram comes up with a plan to find life in the midst of this trial. There is no evidence that the Lord told him to go to Egypt as He told him to go to Canaan. This is Abram's plan. He took matters into his own hands. When our lives feel out of control and we fear losing our "lifestyle," we take matters into our own hands instead of calling upon the Lord. This is Abram's first mistake.

As he travels to Egypt, he tells his wife Sarai (both Abram's and Sarai's names will change later in the story) to say she is his sister rather than wife since she is a beautiful woman and he fears they may kill him for her. As is often the case when relying upon one's own plan, small lies must be told in order for the plan to be properly executed. Such is the case with Abram. He solicits Sarai to join him in his plan, to tell a lie in order to keep him safe. Mind you the cost of this lie is huge, putting not only Sarai in danger but all of Abrams offspring forever more, as you will soon see. This is Abram's second mistake. What are the consequences of these two mistakes, two mistakes that all of us tend to make when we take matters into our hands instead of relying upon the Lord?

First, Abram's character is compromised. He is intentionally deceiving others and taking on the lifestyle of the worldly cultures around him.

Second, Abram's decision put his loved ones and offspring at risk. Sarai was taken into the Pharaoh's harem. Who knows what she was subjected to. Abram's nephew Lot was also with them. He grew to like the things of Egypt and later when faced he the temptations of Sodom and Gomorrah, he could not resist them for they reminded him of "the plains of Egypt."

Third, Abram acquired great wealth. The problem with wealth, especially when gained through deceitful means, is that is can lead a person away from the Lord (Mark 4:19). Additionally, the things gained through wealth can negatively affect a person, and possibly their offspring as well. Abram acquired maidservants by Pharaoh through his relationship to Sarai. One of the maidservants was Hagar! Abram later conceived a child with Hagar and their son Ishmael became the father of the Arabs who have fought with the Jews for centuries up to this very day. Incredible! We could call this the second greatest mistake ever made! Adam's and Eve's mistake of choosing independence from God plunged the whole human race into darkness. Abram's and Sarai's choice of independence from God caused a sibling conflict (Ishmael and Isaac) that has brought misery and heartache upon mankind for centuries! It will lead to the final battle at Armageddon and the return of Christ! Living life apart from God can lead to serious consequences!

Fourth, it produces a bad testimony that does more harm than good. Abram's witness to the Egyptians was greatly compromised by his choices. The same thing happens with us. As someone once said, "the greatest evidence against Christianity is Christians." It's true! Double-minded Christians living a life not in step with the spirit but by the flesh do great harm to the testimony of the gospel.

In the end, Abram is forced to leave Egypt and returns to Canaan where he repents and follows God once more. Chapter 12 and 13 of Genesis represent two ways of living. Chapter 12 tells the story of Abrams's doubt in God and choosing to live by our own plans. Chapter 13 shows Abram once more living by faith and the blessings that come. The consequences of ch. 12 do not leave him, but his repentance allows for his life to be guided by God once more. May we learn from Abraham's life how to walk with God and the from the consequences when we don't.

Powerful Speech from Columbine Victim's Father

2009-04-30T20:37:00.002-04:00

Guess our national leaders didn't expect this, hmm? On Thursday, Darrell Scott, the father of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine High School shootings in Littleton , Colorado , was invited to address the House Judiciary Committee's subcommittee. What he said to our national leaders during this special session of Congress was painfully truthful.

They were not prepared for what he was to say, nor was it received well. It needs to be heard by every parent, every teacher, every politician, every sociologist, every psychologist, and every so-called expert! These courageous words spoken by Darrell Scott are powerful, penetrating, and deeply personal. There is no doubt that God sent this man as a voice crying in the wilderness. The following is a portion of the transcript:

"Since the dawn of creation there has been both good & evil in the hearts of men and women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of violence. The death of my wonderful daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, and the deaths of that heroic teacher, and the other eleven children who died must not be in vain. Their blood cries out f or answers.

"The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel out in the field. The villain was not the club he used.. Neither was it the NCA, the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain, and the reason for the murder could only be found in Cain's heart.

"In the days tha t followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am not a member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don't believe that they are responsible for my daughter's death. Therefore I do not believe that they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with Rachel's murder I would be their strongest opponent.

I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy -- it was a spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real blame lies! Much of the blame lies here in this room. Much of the blame lies behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves. I wrote a poem just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best.

Your laws ignore our deepest needs,
Your words are empty air.
You've stripped away our heritage,
You've outlawed simple prayer.
Now gunshots fill our classrooms,
And precious children die.
You seek for answers everywhere,
And ask the question "Why?"
You regulate restrictive laws,
Through legislative creed.
And yet you fail to understand,
That God is what we need!

" Men and women are three-part beings. We all consist of body, mind, and spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make-up, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and wreak havoc. Spiritual presences were present within our educational
Systems for most of our nation's history.. Many of our major colleges began as theological seminaries. This is a historical fact. What has happened to us as a nation? We have refused to honor God, and in so doing, we open the doors to hatred and violence.. And when something as terrible as Columbine's tragedy occurs -- politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that contribute to erode away our personal and private liberties. We do not need more restrictive laws. Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months planning this type of massacre. The real villain lies within our own hearts.

"As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes, he did not hesitate to pray in school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I challenge every young person in America , and around the world, to realize that on April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School prayer was brought back to our schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain. Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for legislation that violates your God-given right to communicate with Him. To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA -- I give to you a sincere challenge.. Dare to examine your
Own heart before casting the first stone!

My daughter's death will not be in vain! The young people of this country will not allow that to happen!"
Do what the media did not - - let the nation hear this man's speech..

Facing The Economic Giants

2009-02-28T11:04:00.001-05:00

It appears that we are facing a severe economic crisis, a crisis that many believe will be with us for several years, and several others believe will cause a depression that will take a decade or more to recover from. Regardless of the specific outcome one thing is for certain, your life will change. The prosperity of the nineties is gone and there are many giants that you must now face in order to cope with this crisis.

The Israelites faced giants of their own after they left Egypt and were told to trust God and move into the promised land of Canaan (Numbers 13 & 14). The Amalekites, Hittites, Amorites, and Canaanites occupied the land and they were strong and powerful, giants compared to the Israelites. The Lord wanted them to trust that He would be with them as they faced the giants, that He would not abandon them but cause them to be victorious over their enemies. The people rebelled and refused to trust God. They did not want to face the giants. In fact, they wanted to go back to Egypt and return to slavery, thinking that would be better than having to face the giants. God forgave them of their sin of unfaithfulness, but the consequence of their sin was that they would wonder the desert for 40 years. Only two men and their decedents would enter the land at the end of the 40 years, Joshua and Caleb, because they “had a different spirit and followed (God) wholeheartedly” (Numbers 14:24).

In order to face the giants of an economic downturn, the giants of a potential job loss, the loss of a discretionary income, the increase violence that is predicted to occur, the loss of conveniences and necessary supplies, the potential loss of a home, the loss of retirement savings, and so on, you must do several things:

1.) Trust God. Trust that God has not abandoned you but will be with you through whatever you face. God does not promise freedom from suffering but that He will be with us through the suffering. You may suffer greatly through these next years due to your own past poor choices, or because of the poor choices of a collective nation. Because our nation has abandoned God, He very well may have given us over to the consequences of our sin (Romans 1:21-32). Turning away from God causes minds to become futile and hearts to become darkened. This is what has happened to the US over the last few decades and now we have “trouble and distress” to face (Rom. 2:8-9). But to the believer, he promises His presence and guidance to see us through.

2.) Prepare. Placing your faith in God does not mean you become passive. Doing nothing and expecting God to bail you out is not faith but foolishness! The Israelites had to prepare themselves for battle! They had to physically train, prepare their battle weapons and gear, and strengthen their minds for war. So to you must prepare. You must get your finances in order, focusing on the preservation of capital. You must begin saving money and saving supplies. You would do well to read material that helps prepare you for worse case scenarios, such as Michael Panzner’s Financial Armageddon. As he says, “Assume the worst, hope for the best, and be prepared for whatever happens” (p. 143), and, “People will underestimate the severity of the dangers ahead and fail to take the necessary steps at the outset… being left penniless.” Preparation is key to successfully deal with a crisis. Many people will falsely blame God for abandoning them while the fault for their troubles lies squarely on their own heads! One of the most important things to do is to prepare your mind (Rom. 12:2)! Those who deny the crisis, maintain a rigid inflexible stance regarding living expectations, or believe they will be able to think on their feet and handle things as they come without proper preparation, could get so stressed out when reality hits that they literally fall apart.

3.) Execute. When wisdom or God’s spirit tell you to go, go! Many people will have regrets for not listening to wisdom or their own internal promptings. Faith is active. Faith requires risk taking. Faith requires change. Part of the Israelites problem was that they were not willing to push into change. Their failure was not only a spiritual failure to trust God, but a mental failure to properly deal with the Limbic brain. The Limbic part of our brain controls our emotions and desires. It likes patterns and routines best, so when change is required, you will feel fear and resistance because the Limbic part of your brain does not recognize the new pattern. It will tell you something is wrong simply because it does not recognize the new pattern and does not want to change. It will even tell you go back to an old pattern even if that pattern was very bad. This is why the Israelites wanted to go back to Egypt. It was bad, but at least it was familiar! A great book re: mental preparation is Victor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning. He is a psychologist who survived 3-years in a German concentration camp. It is a fascinating read. As he says (paraphrased), “In times of crisis, life does not owe something to you but rather life is requiring something from you” (see also the quote from Lord of the Rings at the bottom of the post titled, “Wake UP!”). In order to deal with a crisis, you must push past internal resistances and execute change.

When we fail to trust God and deal with the giants in our lives, we end up wondering aimlessly for potentially many, many years, just like the Israelites. It’s best to face the giants and find freedom, confidence, security, and God’s pleasure in doing so.

Putting Our Hope in Keynes

2009-02-07T12:19:00.001-05:00

President Obama and the Democrats are dealing with this economic crisis by following the economic theory of John Keynes, published in 1936. Much could be said about his theory, specifically that it really is unproven. In fact, textbooks in the 1980s used several pages to show how it was bad theory to follow and for a decade or more, it was considered a washed up theory. Now it’s back in vogue, and it fits perfectly with socialist agendas because it is viewed that the way to get out of a recession/depression is for the government to spend if people won’t (due to fear and wanting to save). Democrats now have a justification to spend away due to Keynes’s economic theory, and they are. The stimulus package is filled with pork, but it’s ok, this is what we need to do according to Keynes. Keynes model would say that by spending 700 Billion, you’ll raise GNP by 1 Trillion dollars. One economist says this is the first time in history that the theory is being tested to this degree. He is concerned that we are relying upon a theory that has never been proven and that we are taking a huge risk. If it works, Obama and Keynes win. If not, we’re all in huge trouble. Huge national debts must be paid back some day. As our currency becomes less valuable because of high national debt, interest rates will rise.

What’s additionally interesting is to consider the man himself. He was an elitist, bigoted, perverse man who believed Americans were idiots and that manipulating human genes to improve the race was a beneficial and imperative thing to do (a eugenicist). He lived an openly gay lifestyle for years before marrying a woman whom he stayed with until he died (I wonder what the pro-gay crowd that says you can’t change your sexual orientation think of that!). He hung out with upper-class liberals who promoted living with no moral constraints. But even among this group, Keynes was considered extreme in his behaviors and beliefs. His peers wrote that Keynes was too dirty even for them. He loved the spotlight and would say outrageous things just to get the attention of the press. He thought the only people smart enough to run a country, including the US, were graduates from Cambridge. Everyone was inferior. Great! We have a dirty, bigoted, elitist British snob setting the pace for our economic policy! Lord help us!

Reference: NPR: This American Life: The New Boss

Addicts and Enablers: US Citizens and the Federal Government

2009-02-07T12:04:00.002-05:00

My brother made an interesting remark when he said that Americans felt so bad after 911 that they over spent to make themselves feel better. It’s parallel to a person using eating or shopping as a way of coping with stress. What an interesting insight!
I often say in counseling that often our biggest problem is not the problem or fear we have, but how we choose to cope with it. The strategies and solutions we implement to deal with “the problem” become bigger problems than the problem they’re trying to help. Becoming obese from using food as a stress reliever becomes a huge problem. Accumulating a large amount of debt from using shopping as a coping behavior balloons into a huge problem. Drinking to cope causes huge problems. These solutions are not helping a person, they’re just making things worse!
Maybe we were so traumatized by 911 that we (the government and citizens) spent away to try to make ourselves feel better. Now we need to pay off our debt, and like any reduction plan, starting and sticking to the plan is the hardest part. Will America make the commitment to get out of debt or will we just open up another credit card so that our lifestyle does not have to change? It appears that we just applied for another credit card, with a $1.5 Trillion dollar line of credit (the 2 Stimulus packages)!
There’s a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous that a person is not ready to change until he hits bottom, until he is so desperate for change that he’s finally ready to do the tough work required to change. By the accumulating evidence, America hasn’t hit bottom yet and is not ready to change. The government is just an enabler. Not only does the addict have to change (we the people) but the enabler (the government) must change as well. Obama, Pelosi, and the Democrats (if not most Republicans) are the nicest enablers in town, feeding the patient exactly want he or she wants, more money to fuel the addiction. The first step of the AA 12-step recovery program is to admit you have a problem and that you’re powerless to deal with it. Clearly, we are not there yet.

A MUST WATCH series

2009-01-23T18:36:00.004-05:00

I just finished watching a series that was very informative and thought provoking. Chris Martenson, a trained scientist, having both a PhD from Duke University, as well as a MBA from Cornell in Finance, developed an educational series regarding the realities our world will face in the next 20 years. He focuses on three arenas- the economy, energy, and the environment, that are converging into a "perfect storm" of huge consequences. His training and expertise make him uniquely qualified. This is a MUST WATCH series. It will take you about 3.5 hours to complete in total. It is broken out into 20 individual segements, giving you the flexibility to watch as your time permits. He takes no political side, and his lectures on the environment are not about global warming. Our way of living is changing... rapidly... and we ALL need to prepare for these changes.
Go to chrismartenson.com or google "the crash course."

Wake Up! You must deal with what IS to survive this ECONOMIC CRISIS

2009-01-22T23:59:00.004-05:00

In my counseling practice, I often use this phrase, “Deal with what IS!” People get themselves in trouble because they won’t deal with the realities of their lives. They hold onto to hopes that have no evidence to support they will come true, or plans (solutions) that they obsessively think will work. When an individual does this, they fail to deal with the facts that are before them. It’s chosen denial, or ignorance, or even insanity. It is much better deal with what IS, to deal with the facts and truth of a situation, relationship, or reality. In my work, I try to help individuals do this. For some, they get it and turn things around. For many others, they reject my counsel and continue to live in blind faith or cling to obsessive, faulty solutions that they are convinced will work. Ignoring reality can have serious consequences upon your life and the lives you influence! Therefore, it’s always better to deal with what IS!

“…and do not lean upon your own understanding… do not be wise in your own eyes…”
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

As a country, we are facing an economic situation that not only have we not seen since the great depression, but for two-hundred years! In England, they are going back 300 years! You think I’m crazy? The Bank of England’s interest’s rate is now at a 300-year low (Dohmen). It's best to deal with what IS! The longer you wait to deal with this reality, the more you could be hurt by it… just like in personal issues that I see in my practice.

The world market lost $60 trillion last year. That is a figure we can’t even fathom. C. Martenson illustrates this way: One million dollars would equal a stack of $1,000 bills 4 inches high. Notice, it’s a $1,000 bill, not a $100. One-billion dollars would equal a stack of $1,000 bills stacked about 360 feet high. One trillion dollars would equal a stack of $1,000 bills about 67 miles high! 67 miles! Now, multiply that by 60 and you’ll have an idea of how much wealth was lost last year globally. Oh, and by the way, the US debt obligations, both federal and state, are about $60 trillion (Martenson).

When I was a securities representative (“stockbroker”) in the mid-nineties, I always heard that 2009 would be a pivotal year for the economy because that is when the baby-boomers would begin to retire and pull their investments out of the market economy. It was predicted then that 2009 would bring in the era of bull markets, when the stock market would decline more than rise. What we didn’t know then was the impact of runaway credit upon the market. Never before in history have we seen so much money owed on credit, by governments, corporations, and individuals. It was the availability of credit that gave us the boom years of the 80’s, 90s and early 2000s. For example, from 2003-2006, 80% of the GDP growth (how much the US economy grows per year) was from mortgage refinancing! It was coined the “home-ATM” (Dohmen).

Credit spending is spending money from a loan of some sort. That is what we have been doing on the federal, state, corporate, and personal level for decades now. At the end of 2007, we maxed out. Now it’s time to pay for all that spending. But when we’ve been using debt to pay for things (once again, on a federal, state, corporate, and individual level), how do you pay for things when you can no longer get a loan? The Fed’s answer is to make more credit available so that more loans can be made and to keep the game going. But where does it end? You can’t keep doing this forever, can you? No you can’t, and during the last quarter of 2007 lenders began saying, “Enough! We can’t play this game anymore.” The end of this crazy, experimental game has arrived and this is the reason for the crisis. We can’t live in denial anymore. The house of cards can no longer be supported and has started to fall. We have lived far beyond our means, like never before in history, and now we must pay.

“But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare, and many foolish and harmfuldesires which plunge men into ruin and destruction.

For the love of money is the root of all sorts of evil…”

(I Tim. 6:9-10 NASB)

Credit has dried up in an economy that is dependent upon credit. It first hit the banks last fall, now it’s hitting corporations and we will be seeing massive layoffs and bankruptcies this year. As people loose their jobs not only will they no longer spend, which will deepen the crisis further, but they will have less taxable income. Less taxes from corporations and individuals means less money for government. Next to greatly struggle will be local and state governments (Dohmen). Massive reduction in services will take place. In California, the Governor is proposing tax increases and additional fees. Expect a mass exodus from that state! Next to go will be small foreign governments, than larger ones. It’s already happening! Some Europeans countries tried to sell government backed bonds to raise money and they couldn’t get enough buyers (Dohmen). Dubai, the famous city in the middle of the desert currently building the world’s tallest building and largest indoor ski mountain, will become the symbol of hubris, of a world given over to insanity! Google Dubai and look at the real estate projects. It’s incredible… incredibly insane!

Is the US federal government immune from this? No! We’re at the top of the food chain, with Japan (due to their strong currency… for the moment), but eventually it’s going to effect us. Just like individual who can’t get a loan because of too much debt, a country can experience the same fate, even the US Federal Government! Keep your eye on foriegn countries. We are a world economy now so we need to watch whats happening overseas as well as in the US.

“They know nothing, they understand nothing. They walk in darkness”

(Psalms 82:5).

This downturn is going to be bad, potentially really, really bad! You need to prepare now! Don’t put your hope in the Federal government to solve this problem. It doesn’t matter who the President is, this problem is way too big to be fixed by one man or Federal spending (Dohmen, Martenson). In fact, all this government spending will make thing worse, not better. Our currency could be at risk of collapse by the excessive printing of money! You can’t just print money without consequences. It will become worthless and no one will want it. This has happened to the US before during the Civil War and times before. This is probably the biggest threat we face, yet the politicians from both sides of the isle are ignoring it, believing it will all turn around if we just throw enough money at it. Are they dealing with what IS? No! They haven’t been for decades and there’s no reason to believe they will now! They got us into this mess beginning decades ago, long before Bush and Clinton, who just made the growing problem worse.

The bottom line? Now is NOT the time to put your head in the sand and hope it will all turn around in a year or so. There is no credible evidence of that reality (Dohmen, Martenson). We are being lied to by the government and media so that we don’t panic. I’m not endorsing panic, but I don’t think ignorance is a wise option either. It’s time to investigate more, to read up on what’s really going on. It’s time to become a financially informed citizen. Read experts, people who are educated and who think outside the classic mindset. I’ve reference two that I think are pretty good, but there are more. Many a financial planner is leading his or her people astray! Don’t trust them just because of their title. I use to be one, and I know that many of them don’t have any idea how to handle a true crisis. They just push the party line, holding to beliefs that are based upon an expanding market… that to hold and wait for the upswing is the best bet. What if an upswing doesn’t come for years and years to come? Wouldn’t it better to deal with what IS than to wait and see, to hope on a future that is not credibly supported? Faith is based upon something solid, something that has shown to be legit and true. To exercise blind faith is not faith, but foolishness.

My advisor thought I was crazy to pull out when the DOW was at 9500. I couldn’t ignore the facts anymore and decided to park my assets on the side than continue to see them fall. I’m not telling you what to do. You have to make that choice… and get enough info. to do so… but don’t just sit around and hope for better days or trust one person’s opinion. That could be a very costly mistake! And don’t just trust CNBC either (the TV financial channel). There are some who are worth listening to, but as a whole, they probably are too optimistic and fearful of making the tough calls. When Jim Crammer of Mad Money told people in late September to sell 20% of their portfolio to be safe, critics thought he was crazy and only causing a panic. Turns out he was right, but most people on TV are not willing to stick their necks out like that.

We may entering THE end times as described in the Bible. I don’t know, but one thing is for certain, we are certainly in the end times of prosperity build on credit. Dealing with that reality, that IS, may very well feel like THE end times, even if it’s not. These are dangerous times. You need to draw closer to the Lord and to become a financially informed citizen. Be an informed citizen of both kingdoms, the Kingdom of God and the financial kingdom, so that you can speak with wisdom and lead yourself, your loved ones, and others through these impending dark times.

I leave with the wisdom of Gandolf… spoken to Frodo in the dark caves of Mornia-

Frodo: “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish all of this would have past.”
Gandolf: “So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide.

All you must decide is what to do with the time you have been given.”
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

References:

Dohmen, Bert (2009). 2009: The year of pain, disillusionment and challenges. The Wellington Letter, 32(1). For subscription, see: http://www.dohmencapital.com/
Martenson, Chris (2008). The Crash Course. http://www.chrismartenson.com/

What side of the line does your child fall?

2008-12-18T10:57:00.002-05:00

Sitting at his son’s all-star hockey game one winter’s morning, a father noticed a curious trend on the team’s roster. The majority of the kids had birthdays in the first three months of the year. This prompted him to investigate further and he found that the vast majority of professional Canadian hockey players had birthdays in the first quarter of the year. Does it have something to do with an astrological sign, that those born under that sign are just better athletes? No! The trend is the same in many other sports and academic arenas. What causes this? The cut-off date of when a child can enter a program! In Canada, the cut-off date is Jan. 1st. So if your child has a birthday in January, he is one of the oldest children on the team and his maturity, even by six-months, makes him stand out and be picked for advanced teams. Because he was picked for the advanced team, he will receive better coaching and continue to advance ahead of his peers, and this advantage continues to widen year after year. It is called accumulative advantage and it can have a HUGE impact on the child’s potential for future success.

On research study found that among fourth graders, the oldest children scored somewhere between four and twelve percentage points better than the youngest children. So, the oldest child may score in the eightieth percentile of a proficiency exam while the youngest scores in the sixty-eighth percentile, placing the older child in gifted classes year after year while the youngest child lags behind. Initially, this difference is primarily due to maturity differences, but year after year as the oldest child continues to receive better education and opportunities, the difference is based on many other factors. Another study found that the majority of teenagers who attempt suicide have birthdays on the latter side of the cut-off date! The years of discouragement from being “behind” their peers can cause serious consequences!

Therefore, it is imperative to pay attention to cut-off dates and make sure your child is one of the oldest kids in the class or on the team rather than the youngest. If you find your child is one of the youngest in his or her class, and they still are in primary school, it may be beneficial to hold that child back. I have a client who did this with their son when he was in sixth grade. They had to make a move to another city and had him repeat the grade so that he would get on the “right” side of the line. He is thriving now.

For further information, read chapter one in Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Outliers titled, “The Matthew Effect.” The book is an excellent read for parents of children of any age, but especially for those with young children.

Credit and Contempt

2008-12-17T19:40:00.001-05:00

Studies in marital interaction have consistently shown that what a couple says to each other is not nearly as important as how they say it. Ninety-three percent of communication is non verbal- it’s the tone and the body language that matter. Body language refers to eye movement (rolling the eyes), facial expressions, shoulder position, hand movements, etc. So what are the two most powerful messages we send to our partner? Positively, it’s credit. Negatively, it’s contempt.

Credit and Contempt, that’s it. Master these two- giving credit and avoiding contempt- and you’ll have a happy marriage (and better parent/child, parent/teen relationships).

Credit has to do with giving credit to what a person is expressing, whether in normal, everyday conversation or in a heated discussion. It’s as simple as saying, “ok” or “I can see that.” It’s acknowledging their viewpoint, respecting that they have an opinion and a mind of their own. You don’t have to agree with everything they’re saying, or try to fix it, just acknowledge their point of view. Negative body language can send a strong message of discrediting a person, such as glaring at them, holding your hands on your hips, eye rolling, looking away, etc. Are you giving credit with your words, tone, and body language? If you’re not, your partner will build up resentment and either becomes angrier in their responses or more withdrawn as they grow depressed.

Contempt has to do with talking down to a person. That’s the key. Contempt is hierarchical; it’s putting the person below you. The effect is to make the person feel stupid or small, hated and not loved. “Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone from community” (John Gottman- marital researcher). This is shown in words but even more powerfully in tone and body language. A tone of disgust can make a person feel terrible and hated by you. Eye rolling, heavy sighs, looking down your nose at person are examples of showing contempt.

I have found that if couples, as well as parent and teens, really work hard on increasing credit and eliminating contempt, their relationships greatly improve. Most parties can solve their problem, that’s not the problem. The problem is how their trying to solve their problem. Pay attention to process over product, on how you’re talking more so than the result you are pushing for. You may win a battle but you’re loosing the war!

The Need for an Intervention

2008-11-01T09:47:00.003-04:00

Are you familiar with an alcoholic intervention? An intervention is typically initiated by a family member of the alcoholic, most often the spouse, to confront the alcoholic about the truth of their drinking and the need for help. When the spouse approaches the alcoholic’s family for support in the intervention, they are often met with resistance because the whole family system is dysfunctional and blind to the truth of the problem. It takes a great deal of courage for the spouse to push forward, knowing that they will suffer in their efforts to break the dysfunctional pattern and set their loved one free from the bondage of substance use. It is often not till much later that their efforts are appreciated.

To set someone free, you must be willing to suffer. The individual will fight you in order to hold on to their “truth” and will despise you for confronting them. They will call you judgmental, intolerant, and narrow minded. This is why in an intervention many people are utilized to confront the individual. A chorus of truth is harder to argue with than a solo performer.

Let’s now transition to the work of Christ. Is it any wonder why Jesus was despised? He challenged the unhealthy, dysfunctional Hebrew family system and suffered for doing so, just like a spouse of an alcoholic. He was trying to set people free from the bondage of sin, but the family members, the Pharisees and other Jewish leaders, despised him and denied they had any problems, just like an alcoholic does. No wonder he tells us to be prepared to suffer for speaking the truth. We are challenging dysfunction in the same way he did, or a spouse does during an intervention. All truth bearers must initially pay a price for speaking the truth, challenging the dysfunction. This is our calling, to be truth bearers. Is the church teaching us this in this modern era? Typically not. The church grows weaker in standing up for the truth, choosing to be overly tolerant and politically correct. Yes, we need to confront with grace and truth, but these days we've dropped the truth and only offer grace. And so, people live on in dysfunction because no one is willing to perform an intervention.

The bottom line? Christians are failing to love in order to be politically correct or avoid conflict. We have become soft and self-protective. We are failing to care for our brothers and sisters. We are sitting around watching them die, just like a family member watches an alcoholic loved one die from their unchallenged dysfunctional behaviors. No wonder the Bible says we will cry in heaven when we realize how little we did for others. Keith Green’s “Asleep in the Light” is a great song to go with this post. Don’t worry, I’m just as convicted as you.

The Allure of a Woman

2008-10-30T10:46:00.005-04:00

Men, let me give you some clear biblical counsel. She’s not worth it! No matter how much she charms you, makes you feel like a million bucks, makes you feel young again, gives you the sense that you’ve arrived. Whatever it is for you, she’s not worth it.

Let me give you another piece of advice. Read Proverbs 5 often! Talk about clear biblical counsel!

“My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of
insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve
wisdom.” Proverbs 5:1-2

The wisdom in this chapter is dead on! An adulteress is not only one who jumps in bed with a man on the first night or hangs out in the red-light district. She is a woman who pleases a man with her words and affect.

“For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother
than oil…” Proverbs 5:3

That’s how it starts, sweet words that please the man’s ego. These days it often happens through text messages. After the initial meeting in public, the text messaging starts, and the man is captured by her words, blind that he is talking with an adulteress, foolish to think that this behavior “is nothing… we’re just talking.” Don’t be a fool! You are enjoying your conversations with her and are being led astray!

“… her speech is smoother than oil, but in the end she is bitter gall, sharp as
a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to
the grave.” Proverbs 5: 3-5

If you are governed only by your senses, the sensations of pleasure, then you are living an unprincipled life. It is a life not governed by morals, values, and ethical standards that you hold to, but by your feelings, your desires- “the lusts of the flesh” (I John 1:16). There is so much more I could comment on in Proverbs 5, but I need to limit my words.

As of late, my ears have heard the stories of men’s folly again and again. These men are most often struggling with feelings of low self-worth or are just stressed out due to the demands of life in economically unstable times and multi-child households. They are seeking nurturance, to feel comforted during hard times. Their wives may be busy handling the demands of their lives. Communication and connection between the two is most often lacking.

I often say, “The desire is often good but it’s how we handle the desire that is bad.” Such is the case here. The need to feel nurtured and comforted during stressful times is perfectly normal, but to seek that comfort from another woman (or any other addictive source) is the problem! It’s also wrong to just expect it from the wife without sharing your need with her and considering her needs. Men need to become better adapt at recognizing their own needs, take more risks to talk about those needs with their wives or close male friends (which many men lack), and refuse to seek comfort in unhealthy ways. The best solution for the man is to draw closer to God and other believers. By doing this, he can find comfort for the ache in his soul, gain wisdom from God and others in order to make wise decisions, and mature in his manhood.

Wake up men! Understand yourself better and recognize that “she” is not the answer! Be wise now lest you end your life with deep regret.

“At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent.
You will say, How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction!
How I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to
the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly.” Proverbs 5:11-14

New Venture

2008-10-18T08:13:00.005-04:00

I'm excited to announce that my new company's website is finally up and ready for business! Back in March, my partner David Russ and I started a new company called Informed Therapy Resources. We decided we wanted to make therapeutic products that people could use in their homes to get the answers and help they needed. Our first product(s) is a recording of 3 interviews we did with Neuropsychiatrist, Dr. James Lee on the topic of medication and the concerns parents and individuals have regarding the use of them. Further info. about the CDs can be found at the website. Check it out!

https://www.myanxiouschild.com/

Blessings,

Chris

Understanding the Financial Crisis

2008-10-05T08:25:00.006-04:00

Are you confused about the financial crisis? Do you need someone to explain it to you in a way you can understand? I have found your solution!
There are two one-hour shows on This American Life at PRI that do a great job explaining how this financial crisis happened, so good that one of them was written up in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/29/business/media/29carr.html?_r=2&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&adxnnlx=1223208646-1sUIgE2zp4jU46bQIdrUVA).

To download them, or order a CD of them, go to http://www.thislife.org/. The name of the shows are:
The Giant Pool of Money (#355), and
Another Frightening Show About The Economy (#365). At this time, you can download #355 from the website for .$95. It takes you to I-tunes. #365 can be listened to at the website, or go to I-tunes/podcasts/This American Life to download for free. Currently, it is the number 2 download (10/10/08). I encourage you to listen to them. They are entertaining (humorous and shocking all at the same time!) and will give you a good foundation of information to help you understand this mess, a mess we will face probably for years to come.

Planet Money podcast through NPR is also very informative- currently the #1 podcast on I-tunes (10/10/08). It's the same people on the two programs above that make a daily podcast.

Books of the Bible Puzzle

2008-09-17T11:23:00.004-04:00

This is a challenging and fun puzzle. Print it out so that you can work on it.

There are 30 books of the Bible in the following paragraph. Can you find them?

This is a most remarkable puzzle. It was found by a gentleman on an airplane seat pocket on a flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu, keeping him occupied for hours. He enjoyed it so much that he passed it on to some friends. One friend from Illinois worked on this while fishing from his john boat. Another friend studied it while playing his banjo. Elaine Taylor, a columnist friend, was so intrigued by it she mentioned it in her weekly newspaper column. Another friend judges the job of solving this puzzle so involving, she brews a cup of tea to help her nerves. There will be some names that are really easy to spot. That’s a fact. Some people; however, will soon find themselves in a jam, especially since the book names are not necessarily capitalized. Truthfully, from answers we get we are forced to admit it usually takes a minister or scholar to see some of them at the worst. Research has shown that something in our genes is responsible for the difficulty we have in seeing the books in this paragraph. During a recent fund raising event, which featured this puzzle, the Alpha Delta Phi lemonade booth set a new sales record. The local paper, The Chronicles, surveyed over 2 hundred patrons who reported that this puzzle was one of the most difficult they had ever seen. As Daniel Humana humbly put it, “the books are all right here in plain view hidden from sight.” Those able to find all of them will hear great lamentations from those who have to be shown. One revelation that may help is that books like Timothy and Samuel may occur without their numbers. Also, keep in mind, that the punctuation and spaces in the middle are normal. A chipper attitude will help you compete really well against those who claim to know the answers. Remember, there is no need for a mad exodus. There really are 30 books of the Bible lurking somewhere in this paragraph waiting to be found.

Two Powerful Words

2008-09-09T05:55:00.003-04:00

Wisdom and Love

Two words, two very powerful words. If you took every thought, every desire, every decision, every action, and filtered them through these two words, then you would live a healthy life- physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Set these words as the gatekeepers over your life! Nothing gets passed into or out of your life without first being cleared by these two guards.

First, ask yourself, “Is it wise?” Is this thing I’m considering a wise choice, guided by the wisdom of Scripture, the voice of reason, the words of a sage? If I ran this thought, idea, desire, passed my God, my counselor, my dearest and wisest friends, would they approve? Would they give me the green light to move forward, a yellow for caution, or a red for stop, saying don’t take this road because it is fraught with danger?

Secondly, ask yourself, “Is it loving?” Is the motivation behind this decision, desire, or movement coming from a place of love- for and from God, for others, for myself- or is selfish and harmful? In the long term, will this be remembered because it was pure and loving, or will be remembered as an act of betrayal, a work of the flesh, a self-motivated act?
Meditate on these words, their meanings and the picture they create in your mind’s eye. In your praying and times of meditation, consider them. Let them dwell richly in your heart and mind.
Two simple words, words that have the power to shape a very powerful and godly life!

“…then be like minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus…”
Philippians 2: 2-5

Going to the Chapel

2008-09-07T22:42:00.007-04:00

I have the privilege of marrying a couple this coming week. It's something I've never done before. I consider it a big honor and something special... like doing something in your life that you know people will never forget. I've had the privilege of saving two pregnancies from abortion. I know they will never forgot the hour we spent together that changed their minds, and I will never forget them.

I remember the man who married us, but not with fondness. He did a terrible job of giving us premarital counseling, did OK at the ceremony, but a few years later betrayed us and disgraced himself. In the end, we wish we would have chosen someone else to marry us!

With this couple, I know they're happy with the premarital counseling I gave them- that's why they asked me to marry them. I hope I will do a good job during the ceremony (please pray for me). And, I hope they will always have fond memories of me- that I helped them in their love for one another, drew them closer to the Lord, and live my life in such a way as to not bring shame to them in the future. It's a special memory in some one's life, and I don't want to tarnish it.

Go Ground Yourself

2008-07-08T10:57:00.003-04:00

God has given us 5 wonderful gifts to use when we are stressed, grieving, and feeling disconnected from ourselves and others. Everyone has them. Do you know what they are? Your 5 senses! Seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, and smelling! By concentrating on these 5 senses, you ground yourself to God, nature, this world, and life. When people are stressed they live in their heads. Their thoughts are racing and they are picturing everything in their mind. They are not in this world! They’re “gone!” By grounding yourself, you get out of your head and back into life. It calms your mind, soothes your emotions, and relaxes your body.
Need to ground yourself? Go for a walk in nature and feel the sun on your skin, hear the birds singing, smell the trees and flowers, feeling and hear the dirt below your feet. Take off your shoes and walk in the grass. Why to people love the beach, the mountains, a garden, or a hot bath with candles burning? They are places where people ground themselves. We need to ground ourselves regularly! When I work with anxious kids, I pull out the sandbox in my office, instruct the kids to take off their socks and shoes, and put their hands and feet in the sand. Most kids just climb in the box… and love it! You can just see their anxieties melt away.Throughout your day, ground yourself. Smell and taste the food you eat. Notice the change in seasons, the colors of the trees. Feel the sun on your face, the rain on your hands, the sounds of life around you. Whatever grounds you, do it regularly and give thanks to God for giving you such wonderful gifts.

The Shack

2008-06-25T07:08:00.008-04:00

So, have you read The Shack by William P. Young? It is a powerful book that is flying off the selves and creating a lot of discussion. I'd love to get some dialog going about this book here. What do you think of it? How has it affected you? Do you have any theological issues with it? Let me know your thoughts and lets get some lively discussion going...
At first, I was like, "What?..." but then I saw where it was going and enjoyed it. I plan to review it to consider it more deeply.
There are a few things I have concerns with-
First, there's no discussion about Satan and hell and very little about evil. Satan is a major player in reality, yet he is only mentioned indirectly through evil. With the powerful subject of evil discussed in this book, I thought a discussion about Satan and his role in our lives was critically needed but not covered.
In the field of mental health counseling, there is a belief that people want to find someone to be the perfect, ideal mother or father... that they are looking for that to heal their wounds and they want someone to play that role. It is easy to make God into that... to make him the all loving, accepting being who never disciplines us. I see this going on in this book and I think it is something to be careful of. God is more than just an ideal parent, he disciplines us and their our consequences to our choices.
Lastly, The theological foundations of this book are quesitonable and should not be considered truth on the same level as the Bible. It's fiction, and that needs to be remembered. When people encountered God the Father in the Bible, they fell down as if dead, overwhelmed by his holiness and presence. They didn't hang out in the kitchen eating soul food! It's concerning that many people will read this and think it's the truth about God, when it's really a picture of the loving aspects of God and how he desires a relationship with us. Hopefully, it will draw you closer to God and encourage you to read the Word to learn more.
I found a site that gives some further background on Mr. Young if you're interested. http://www.ambassadorspeakers.com/ACP/speakers.aspx?name=WILLIAM%20PAUL%20YOUNG&speaker=1236

For a critical review of the book from a conservative apologetics teacher, see http://www.normangeisler.net/theshack.html.

Pornography: Use, Acceptance, and Affects on Relationships

2008-06-24T19:12:00.005-04:00

What are the facts concerning pornography? How is a generation raised on the internet affected by it and how is the viewing of it changing their views of sex and marriage?
Sex is the most frequently searched topic on the Internet, with pornographic search-engine requests totaling approx. 68 million PER DAY (25% of all search engine requests). The industry of pornography rakes in $100 billion worldwide per/year, with over 13 billion in revenue from the USA. Technology advances since 1995 have created the “triple-A-engine” that fuels pornographic consumption: Accessibility of sites 24/7, Affordability- with many images and videos free to view and cheap pay-for-viewing site due to competition, and Anonymity of use. Until recently, research has primarily been limited to studying the affects of pornography in relationship to addiction, deviant behaviors (i.e. serial killers, child molesters, etc.), and criminal behavior. Now there are a few studies indicating usage and affects on moral, ethical, and value development. Pornography viewing is highest among 18-24 year olds (is that because of sexual exploration and development or because we have only been able to readily access it since 1995 and long-term use rates are unknown? No one knows yet.) with men viewing it more than women. Three studies that surveyed college students indicated 56% - 87% of men viewed it, whereas 24%- 49% of women viewed it, depending on the study’s findings. Eleven percent in one study view it once a week or more, another study showed that 1 in 5 male viewers view it daily or every other day. One study of young people (18-22 years old) found that 83% of men and 55% of women acted out to in self-pleasuring ways… saying it discreetly. Thirty-five percent of users view it while alone, 18% with an off-line partner, and 15% in a group context (I’m not sure what that means… one only knows). Recent studies of younger adults indicate that women are viewing it far more than in the past. Pornography use is considered just as normal now on college campuses as drinking. And as many college-age men binge drink, research is showing that they also “binge” on pornography- with binging patterns very similar for both items.
Women are becoming more accepting of it though many still do not view it as regularly as men. This change among women is one that has researchers concerned. Acceptance and use by women historically were much lower. This shift indicates of change in use as well as a change in values regarding its use. They are far more tolerant of it now than in the past and that is not a good statistic for women because acceptance of pornography (not just use) is correlated with permissive sexual behavior, alcohol use, binge drinking, and cigarette smoking. For men, use has been correlated with permissive premarital sexual behavior, permissive sexual behavior within marriage (having a mistress and “swinging”) and long-term addiction problems. Sexual addiction counselors are overloaded with work; it is the most needed specialty in the field! More women than ever are also needing recovery programs. Men’s use or acceptance of it is correlated with permissive sexual behavior and nonmarital cohabitation, two factors that have been linked to less marital stability and satisfaction in future marriages.
Though these finding are shocking and sad, it is not a surprise. Not only have we in the field of mental health seen it coming, the Bible predicted it. In Romans 1:18-2:7 (cf- James 1:13-15), it states that when an individual or culture turns away from God, the first place he/she, and the culture as whole turns to, is sexual immorality. “God gave them over…” said three times in this passage as a warning of His wrath, is what God does when mankind seeks to go it alone and not rely upon God. Personally, I think this is one of the scariest passages in the Bible because we all are tempted and can easily be enticed away from God and because He honors our ability to choose, he will give us over if that is what we demand.
No wonder we are commanded to be on guard (Proverbs 4:23; I Cor. 6:12-20; 1Peter 2:11, 5:8-9)!
If you are struggling with this, you obviously are not alone. Stop if you can, and if you are in over your head, get help! Having a long-term with pornography is a horrible struggle. There is freedom but you must first admit the struggle and seek help!
Parents, protect your children! I’m shocked at how many parents say, “my child would never do that” only to find out their child has been viewing for years! You have the responsibility to protect your children! Do it! I had a teen once tell me, “my mom told me I should just have “friends with benefits” because having a girlfriend is too big of a pain.” Unbelievable! Teens who view porn often are substantially more at risk of long-term problems because of brain develop than a 26 year-old who begins a similar viewing pattern. Protect your kids! Protect yourself!

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition

when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go

on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is

meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

C.S. Lewis
(Reference: Generation XXX by Carroll, Padilla-Walker, Nelson, & Olson, Journal of Adolescent Research 23(1), pp. 6-28)

Things I Hate!

2008-06-18T09:05:00.004-04:00

The Lord says this in Proverbs 6: 16-19:
“There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him:
Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hand that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.”

These are very powerful things and I can see why the Lord detests them. I have a few of my own that I often hear while sitting in my chair, patterns that I see produce great deal of pain and that are just awful.
1. Passive-aggressive behavior. I hate when a spouse, sadly it’s usually the male, so mistreats their spouse that by neglect, addiction, control, and denial, that the spouse is forced to separate out of pure desperation. Then, the passive spouse attacks the leaving spouse, saying things like, “She left me,” “I was always faithful,” or “She calls herself a Christian?” I hate this! It’s such cowardly behavior!
2. I hate when a person accuses another of wrong doing based on heresy. An example may be a person in a position of power who continues to accuse, slander, or terminate employment of good people based upon one person’s account or belief regarding a certain situation. There is plenty of opportunity to investigate the claim and, in some cases talk to the person in question, but it is not done. Instead, judgment (see my post) is past down and people’s spirits are crushed. I hate this! It’s such haughty, self-righteous behavior!
3. I hate when a person refuses to admit wrong and consider their errors. We are fall short of perfection (Rom. 3:23) and we all are blind to some of our negative ways. When an error is pointed out to a person, I hate when the person is persistent upon denial. I know of a person in power who allegedly said, “I’ve never been challenged in the 25 years I’ve held this position,” accusing the person of insubordination for offering a different view. What kind of institution tolerates this?! The world would be a much better place if we all could be a little more humble and accept/admit our own imperfections.
4. I hate the NC Laws re: Alienation of Affection and the law that states that if you have an affair, you lose out on alimony payments. The Alienation law states that you can sue the person your spouse has an affair with for taking your spouse’s affections away. It sounds good on the surface, that it would deter adulterous behavior, but such is not the case. All it ends up doing is encourage lying and revenge. The loss of alimony law also encourages lying and puts women (who are the most affected by this law) in financially precarious positions. There have been many times in marital counseling that I know a woman is lying re: an affair but they won’t admit it simply because of these laws. I’m convinced that if these laws were not in place, people would speak more freely and there would be greater possibility for reconciliation. These laws are archaic and sexist, and should be abolished.
5. I hate the passivity of our Federal Government to deal with at National Debt, somewhere around 10 Trillion dollars! Don’t worry, I’m not going to get political, but we are in SERIOUS trouble if we fail to deal with this issue. I hear Ross Perot is getting his charts out again and pushing the issue. Go get em Ross! There is also a new movie coming out in the fall of '08 called "IOUSA" that is all about the national debt. Let's hope it makes an impact!
Just my thoughts…

Judge not lest you be judged (Matt. 7:1)

2008-06-01T17:01:00.012-04:00

Matthew 7 is such a great passage. It really gets at how we relate to others and how we view ourselves. If you haven't read it for awhile, pick up your Bible and read the first 10 verses or so.

You can really evaluate the health of a church or inidividual by how well they handle the mavericks... you know, those people who walk to the beat of a different drummer, push the envelope of tradition for tradition sake. How well does a person or group respond when they feel threatened, pushed, challenged? It is precisely in these moments that person may turn to judgement, condemnation, and standard setting in order to reduce uncomfortable feelings and the threat of being challenged.

It is Biblical to evaluate another for the purpose of offering loving correction and restoration (I Cor. 5:12; Gal. 6:1; Matt. 18:15). So when does evaluation become judgement? Let me suggest three hallmarks of judgement. First, a person will place himself or herself above another. This is done in many subtle ways, through education, years in ministry, age and maturity, socioeconomic status, denominational tag, the leader one follows (Paul warned against this one... I am of Apollos, I am of Cephas (I Cor. 1:12). A modern day example of this would be- I am of this pastor, I am of that church or seminary, I am of this theological belief... the only correct theological belief, etc.). Plain and simply, it is pure self-righteousness. It is playing god, and it is sinful because if fails to recognize Christ's work on the cross and the work of grace and forgiveness. Healthy evaluation starts with identifying oneself as a fellow struggler of the faith and humbling oneself knowing that "all fall short of the glory of God" (Rom. 3:23) and all can be tempted.

Second, jugement involves condemnation and this is easily spotted by the haughty, self-righteous attitude in which the judgement is delivered. Mind you, a person may say nothing at all, but their non-verbals and silent distancing give them away. They are not motivated by love but by self-protection (coming from fear) and self-righteousness (coming from anger and pride). The attitude is, "I'm right, your wrong, and therefore I don't have to relate to you any longer." That view is entirely unbiblical! What happened to love your enemies, gently try to restore a brother, and the spiritual fruit of patience? Another way you know it's condemnation is how the reciever feels after the interaction. Do they feel condemned, shamed, and under the wrath of the law, or corrected from a motivation of love and the hope of restoration (Rom. 8:1)?

Third, judgement involves the setting of standards. The Pharisees were masters at this! They added over 600 more "standards of righteousness" to the 10 commandments given by God to Moses! Wow! When you want to show yourself better than someone, just throw the book at them. Use the Bible as a weapon to beat someone up. You'll feel very self-righteous and will be so filled with pride, you won't even know your sinning! How many have been turned away from the Gospel due to judgements cast upon them for not meeting some standard. No wonder they think Christians are hypocrites and can't wait to parade a Christian across the media when one fails to meet his or her own standards. Paul said living by the law doesn't work (Rom. 3), yet so many Christians still try to, and use the law against other believers. Michael W. Smith has a great song re: the pain of seeing Christian do this. It is called "Human Spark" from his Healing Rain album. Download it and give it a listen.

Three elements of helpful evaluation are humility, forgiveness, and correction from a heart of love. None entail playing god, but showing God's love to another. Judgement causes a person hide their experience and the truth of what is really going on. Judgement causes distance in relationships. When we judge one another, we miss knowing the other. Evaluation allows for deep, truthful conversation. It encourages walking together in relationship, and being wise to how one may be led into sin by another (Gal. 6:1).

"I... entreat you to walk in a manner worthly of the calling... with all humility

and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love."

Ephesians 4:1-2

Thinking Positive Thoughts About Your Anxious Child: Avoiding Four Common Negative Beliefs.

2008-05-19T09:49:00.009-04:00

Parenting an anxious child can be mentally taxing and it's easy to become a sour grapefruit in their presence. Family members can develop a bitter mood as the child whines and complains. Anxious complaints can restrict a parent's movement, demand a great deal of time, and can suck the life right out of the caregiver. No parent chooses to be negative, it just happens as a consequence of the anxious disorder. When I see this taking place in the families I counsel, I review the four toxic parenting beliefs associated with anxious kids. Four strategies are then offered to cleanse the mental wasteland and contaminated relationships, restoring the home to healthy, happy place to inhabit.

Vicky Flory defines four common beliefs mistakenly held by parents of anxious children, namely seeing the child as hostile, unreasonable, exaggerated with their emotions, and the child not being emotionally dependent upon the parent. Accommodating one or more of these beliefs collapses the emotional bridge between parent and child, leaving the child stranded on an island of anxious fear. The repetitive thought of seeing the child as hostile interferes with parental support because the parent views the child as mean and their intentions motivated by malice. The parent overly focuses on the child’s negative behaviors and misses the distressed emotions fueling them. Reckoning the child as unreasonable, the parent sees the child as beyond help and unable to respond/learn in a normal manner. They increasingly grow ambivalent toward the child, focusing solo on controlling the child's behavior through angry verbal and non-verbal responses. The child views himself or herself more negatively and anxious thoughts and behaviors worsen. Believing the child’s demonstrated emotions are not genuine leads to mistaken assumptions. The parent becomes mistakenly convinced their child is manipulative, dramatic, and cunning. Verbal and non-verbal suggestions of anxious distress are misconstrued by the parent, leading to anger, harsh punishments, and withdrawal. The fourth hindering belief that the child is not emotionally dependent upon the parent is inaccurate because the child is solely dependent upon the parent. The child is limited in his or her ability to garner support from adults. Though their attempts may be clumsy, and demonstrated affection and appreciation sparse, the parent is the child's best chance at getting his or her emotional needs met. The dilemma for parents is balancing the natural desire for affirmation and affection from their child with the young anxious sufferers inability to express such positive and soothing emotions. The child's handicap leaves the parent's love tank empty, cripples their expressions of support, and leads to parental withdrawal. Summarizing, four common mistaken parental beliefs can weaken the parent-child bond and worsen a child's anxiety. Maintaining an active awareness of these mental parasites can trap them as they arise and foster for the implementation of healthier responses.

Four mental paradigms and techniques can be implemented to heal the relationship and cultivate support. First, recognize that many of your child's negative behavioral patterns are rooted in feeling anxious and depressed. The negative expressions are consistent with symptoms of child anxiety and depression. Developing empathy for the sufferer is one of the most effective ways to change your interactive patterns with that person. Sit down with your child and ask them what it feels like when they feel afraid. Patiently encourage them to speak about their inner feelings and what types of things make them upset. You may have to do this a few times for trust to build. Apologize for your past offenses, reaffirm your unconditional love and support, and commit to do better.

Second, work through books and programs designed to treat child anxiety. This can be a great way to gain empathy for your child and show support. An excellent resource is the audio program Turnaround: Turning Fear Into Freedom which invites your child on a ten day camping adventure with six other children who struggles with various types of fears. Unlike any other program available, Turnaround has children lead the lessons while adults take a secondary role. Created by two clinically experienced therapists, the program is professional and based upon the proven treatment methods of cognitive-behavioral therapy and yet, manages to be highly entertaining kid friendly. Parents report it facilitates healthy dialog with their child by giving them a shared language to pull from. For further information, visit www.myanxiouschild.com.

Third, offer your child a fresh start, a new day each and every day. Deal with each day's issue as a separate incident from the past. Cease vexing expressions, repeatedly bringing up the past and stating that nothing ever changes. Vexing comes from the parent feeling despondent and grasping for anything that might change the child's behavior, even if it's negative and shaming. Mentally prepare yourself each morning to respond patiently and with support. Exercise, diet, stretching, and any other expressions of self-care has been shown to greatly help. As a sage once said, "You cannot impart what you do not possess." Do whatever works best for you to fill your love reservoirs so that it can overflow and nourish your anxious child.

Finally, watch your assumptions and slow down your responses. Focus more on their heart, their emotions, rather than just their behavior. Pay attention to their facial expressions. If they look angry and frustrated, chances are they really feel more fearful or depressed. Address their hurt. Give them hope. Give them a vision of what they'll life will be someday when they are free from their fears. A child who can see a future free from fear, and deeply believes they can achieve it through continuous effort, can move towards it. The fact that his or her parent can see it too makes it all the more believable.
Christopher T. McCarthy, M.Ed., LPC. http://www.myanxiouschild.com/

Ref. Flory, V. (2004). A novel clinical intervention for severe childhood depression and anxiety.
Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry 9(1), 9-23.

One More Thought on Perspective

2008-04-17T08:58:00.003-04:00

While I’m on the subject of perspective, I thought I’d post this that I recently received in an email. It is supposedly written by Andy Rooney of 60 minutes. As he states, one can learn much by listening to an elderly person. Enjoy…
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough , but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Blessings.

Paradigm & Perspective, part 2

2008-04-14T07:39:00.005-04:00

Please read “Paradigms and Perspectives part 1” before reading this post.
Why are so many people turned off by Christianity, yet when the author of Christianity walked this earth, the majority of the people loved him and saw him as the way, the truth, and the life? The difference is in perspective, Jesus did not judge a person on the spot (condemn, correct, etc.) unless they were trying to lead people astray. He saw them as lost and needing a shepherd. Many Christians feel it is their duty to judge people and point out their folly on the spot, or treat them in such a way that their judgment is obvious. Their perspective sees themselves, their beliefs, and their behaviors, as “better than” than other person and they treat them accordingly. Say what you want, but that is the truth. A person will hold a more righteous perspective so that they really don’t have to love that person the way Christ demands. Which is more sinful, more hypocritical?! (Matthew 7). I learned what I believe the Lord requires through an extreme example.
When I wore a younger man’s clothes, I served as a chaplain at a Juvenile Jail in Dallas, TX. If these young men were going to see the love of Christ, a judging perspective wasn’t going to work. These kids were very street smart and could spot of fake a mile away. Either I was going to love them from my heart or it was going to be obvious that I was judging them. One day I read in the newspaper how a 16 year-old boy murdered his girlfriend. I knew I would see him the next day. I thought this guy must be a monster… he probably won’t want to see me anyway… he’s probably a beast! Now I had worked with murderers before, but the nature of this crime made me think this guy was somehow worse then the others. The Lord kept working to soften my heart through a song by Susan Ashton called, “Angels of Mercy” which spoke of offering mercy in the midst of an offense. The Lord wanted me to approach this boy as he would, not as I may have. The day came. Briefly stated, the boy was very innocent looking and knew he had made a terrible mistake in a fit of rage. He cried and cried… and wondered what God would do with him. I told of Christ work on the cross and his offer of forgiveness… even to a person who commits murder. He reconciled with God, we prayed, and we hugged before I sent him back to his cell. I must say, having his hands around me, knowing what those hands had done just a day prior, was a strange thing.
Now here’s what I learned through that experience… my paradigm can stay the same even as my perspective changes. I never forfeited my beliefs that this young man should be punished… probably life in prison, and if the death penalty is the verdict, so be it. His crime must be punished (Rom. 13); however, there is an earthly judge who has the responsibility of carrying that out and I’m not that person. I was called to love him and to tell that him of God’s plan of forgiveness. Now, this an example of when I got it right, but many, many times I’ve failed to respond in a Christ like manner.
How do you respond to a person clearly living an ungodly life? How do you respond when it is revealed that a friend has been struggling with pornography, or has been having an affair? How do you respond when your child disobeys, is been caught using drugs, or having premarital sex? How do you respond when a friend chooses to worship in a more contemporary manner or holds to a different end-times view than you? Your ability to be flexible in your perspective while you hold firm to your paradigm not only reveals your Christ-like character, or lack of, but it also reveals your mental health. Rigidity is a sign of poor mental health. Once again, Christ is a great example of this. His ability to respond in a flexible, unpredictable manner is amazing! May the Spirit lead you in your processing of these two posts.

Paradigm & Perspective, part 1

2008-04-14T07:27:00.006-04:00

How do you see the world, the macro and micro events in your life? How do you interpret them? How to you respond to them? A perspective, according to Webster, is, “a specific point of view in understanding or judging things or events.” A paradigm is a shared set of concept or beliefs within a community. Our paradigm of the world colors and shapes our perspective of things. The beliefs you hold, coming from your background and instruction… moral, religious, & values instruction… color your perspective- the way you interpret and judge the interactions and events in your life. Now I could launch into a discussion about need for paradigms to be based upon truth, however I don’t have the space for such a lengthy discussion. Let’s just make that a given- that a paradigm based on truth and absolutes is better than one that is relativistic and full of inconsistencies. Here’s the point I want to make- a person should hold strongly to their paradigm and remain flexible in their perspective.
I often say in counseling sessions, “You can either change the environment to fit your paradigm, or change your perspective to fit the environment.” Healthy individuals change their perspectives to help them understand and cope with the different environments, events, and circumstances they face. Unhealthy persons demand that the environment change to fit into their paradigms, the way they think life should be lived. They tend to overly focus upon the right and wrong of things and get stuck when it “is all wrong.” They struggle to adjust and usually force others to adjust to fit what they think is right. A good example of the different ways of living is that of Jesus versus the Pharisees.
Both parties had strong paradigms and lived their lives based upon those paradigms (of course the Pharisees’ paradigm was so rigid and impossible to live by, that they themselves failed to follow it and thus Jesus called them hypocrites. Jesus lived out his… in fact, he was his!). The difference is that the Pharisees judged and condemned others for not following their way, whereas Jesus’ perspective allowed him to adapt his response for the environment as needed. For some, like the Pharisees who pushed their faulty paradigm upon others, he was firm and aggressive in his response (Luke 6: 1-11; 14: 1-14). For others, like adulterers and others lost in sin, he was kind, gracious, forgiving, and inviting (John 4). His paradigm never changed, but his perspective did. He changed his perspective to fit the environment whereas the Pharisees tried to change their environment to fit their paradigm. This makes all the difference in the world! See the next post for some examples.

Update

2008-04-05T17:08:00.003-04:00

Hi!
Sorry I haven't written in awhile. I've been busy creating new products that will better serve my readers in the future. Please check back for information on my new website: CLEARbiblicalcounsel.com. I'm in the process of developing the site and the materials that will be on it. I'm really excited about this new venture and think it will be a great resource for all!
Also, I'm in the process of developing a resource package with a fellow therapist on Child Anxiety that will be sold online at myanxiouschild.com. The site and product and still are under construction, but I'll let you know when it will be available. The site should be up within a month for email signups, and we hope to launch the product in August. Stay tuned for more information on these exciting new developments!
Chris

Forgiveness in Relationships

2008-03-06T13:45:00.001-05:00

Relationships can be tough because people betray. You really can't get away from it. Because of the Fall of man, all individuals are tainted with selfishness and self-preservation, and therefore, all will betray. I'll write more on betrayal at another time, but for now, go with me on the fact that all people betray- husband to wife, wife to husband, child to parent, parent to child, friend to friend, etc. It doesn't have to be a big betrayal either to qualify, like one of the Triple A's- Adultery, Addiction, or Abuse. No, blowing somebody off by not returning a call qualifies as betrayal just fine.

Now, if we're going to maitain relationships in the midst of betrayal, we're going have to learn how to forgive. Here are two important points that make the act of forgiveness easier:

1.) Understanding- If the offended party can make an effort to understand the wrongdoers paradigm for making the bad decision, then forgiveness can be achieved sooner. Effort should be made to understand the wrongdoers situation, options, efforts, and limits. This is an effort to lift the culpability of the person who caused the hurt. Instead of subjecting the wrongdoer to endless condemnation, the offended person learns how the environment and feelings of injustice developed within the wrongdoer to lead them to their offending choice. They are not off the hook, just better understood.

2.) Acceptance of Responsibility- When a person is hurt within a family, it is reasonable for that person to expect the wrongdoer to take responsibility for their actions. Forgiveness requires some specific action regarding the responsibility for the injustice that caused the hurt. It is critical (and this is where forgiveness often breaks down) for the offended party to feel that the wrongdoer has taken full responsibility for their actions and that they commit to not repeating that offending action again in the future. Forgiving involves the victimized no longer has to hold the wrongdoer responsible because the wrongdoer holds him or herself responsible! When this truly takes place, trust can be restored through repeated trustworthy actions for the offended henceforth. Sadly, this is often not the case.

A person commits an affair and gets caught. The partners discuss it and the offended gains an understanding of why it happened. The wrongdoer commits to the partner that it's over and that he/she is recommitted. Then... the wrongdoer offends again by hiding emails or an email account, buying a calling card, or not accounting for missing time. The wrongdoer complains that they are being hassled and that their partner hasn't really forgiven them or let it go. But... the offender is not fulfilling their part! They are still breaking trust by not being honest and open. They have not fulfilled their part of the contract that makes forgiveness complete! Both understanding and a commitment to change are needed. The wrongdoer can forgive... and should for their own benefit, but for the relationship to fully recover... for trust and security to be recovered, these two things must be present.

(Credit is given to T. Hargrave for his writings on forgiveness.)

Just some random thoughts...

Life & Death

2008-03-01T18:50:00.000-05:00

Often I'm asked, "How do you listen to people's problems all day?" That question is fairly easy to answer. Yes, I do have to hear people's problems, but I also get to see them get better and improve their lives, their relationships, etc. Seeing people grow and heal is a very fulfilling thing.
Then, there are those cases where the person really does not improve... and sometimes, the person commits suicide or dies from an drug overdose. In most cases, the person is no longer under my care when it happens. I find out of a person's passing from a family member or through the grapevine . When I get the news, it always stops me in my tracks and causes me to go through several days of feeling melancholy.
Everyone in relationship feels a deep sadness over the loss, but I think a therapist feels it in a unique way, knowing that the individual came to them seeking help, and somehow, what was said and done by the therapist, was not... in some way... enough to stop the slide to destruction. Now, I know my powers are limited and that I'm not a savior... I don't have a messiah complex. But nevertheless, I had a chance to help them and for whatever reason, it did not save the person's life. I'm sure a surgeon feels the same way. He or she knows their powers are limited, but it sure is awful when a person dies on the table. I lost one recently, and it feels awful.
Though I feel melancholy, I also feel something more strongly... a deep appreciation of life. I find myself paying attention to the small things in life, the warmth of the sun, the laugh of a child, and the hug from a loved one. As Chris Rice sings, "Life is precious, life is sweet..." and again, "Teach us to count the days, teach us to make the days count, lead us in better ways, somehow our soul has forgot, life means so much..."
If you're living life on the edge, too close to death, I pray you will realize how precious this life is and do whatever you need to do to stop your destructive behaviors. If you're fine overall, remember to make the days count. You never know when the hourglass sand will run dry.

Just some thoughts from a therapist...

A Quick Funny

2008-02-24T13:35:00.001-05:00

You know you have to do more teaching on communion with your seven-year old child when they turn to you at the time of taking the wine and says, "Cheers mommy!"

Authentic Living in Community

2008-02-22T21:04:00.000-05:00

I thought a friend of mine's post on living in community was really good... so here it is for you to read:
"So, I have to say that I have always said that I want to be in community. I want the love, the growth, the depth, and the authentic relationships that come with this type of Life-doing. I would also say that I have truly opened myself up to this type of community with my closest friends, but something happened tonight that I have to say stopped me in my tracks. I was pushed. My thoughts were challenged. I was pressed to be real and honest and it was....uncomfortable, hard, and maybe even frustrating. I struggled and groaned at the thought of how to answer, much less give the answer that I knew was right. I was trying to ask for the check so to speak....OK I know that we are friends, but there are certain things that you just don't press on...What you are asking me is hard and I am not sure what to say. Now, most friends would have left the awkwardness, the uncomfortable situation and just turned the other way...but not these friends, and guess why. They truly care for me and we exist together in true community. I experienced tonight true friendship where I was challenged in love without judgment. I am sure that this is what Christ meant when He said, As iron sharpens iron... I felt sharpened tonight and not to say that it felt good and comfortable the whole time. But, I am growing because of it. Thank you my friends, I love that we are in community together and pray that the Lord keeps us on the same journey for long time."
By Wini Erb
Are you living in community where you can be "pushed?"

A Dream about Oprah & God

2008-02-20T04:49:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting dream last night. I dreamed I was having a conversation with Oprah re: a project she was working on. She basically was trying to get a consensus view from the world religions about how to live life, treat people, and treat the earth (sounds like Oprah, doesn't it?!). There were only two of us talking with her... at one point the other guy had a marble glued to the side of his head... go figure. Anyway, I was there to give the Christian perspective... and I remember feeling incredible nervous at one point considering the responsibility I had to get this right. I mean, my answer to her question would be out there for millions of people to consider and critique. What would other Christians say about my answer? The pressure was on!
Then it came to me... and I felt at total peace with my answer... because it was the answer Jesus gave when asked basically the same question, "Which is the greatest commandment" (Matt. 22:36)? Jesus replied, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself." I went on to explain it to Oprah like this:
Repeatedly in the Bible, we are exhorted to "acknowledge God" (Rom. 1:18, Prov. 3:5, Matt. 6:33, etc.), meaning we are to consider God in all we think, say, and do. God is an unique, personal God (unlike Eastern thought- Hinduism: many gods, Buddhism- god is all) and he wants us to check in with him, consider him in all we do. We are to walk with God, and if we did this moment by moment, it would have a profound affect upon us and the world.
Secondly, human beings are valuable, unique, and worthy beings, created in the image of God, that we should treat each individual with dignity and respect (Hinduism- cast system... some more worthy than others, Buddhism- there is no individuality, no unique dignity, all are one). Our treatment of others is important to God and we should treat others no differently than we would treat ourselves. If we follow these two commandments, and not get hung up on all the other stuff that gets attached to them (laws, rituals, traditions, the list of "sins" that a group may judge as bad, etc.), than we will live a life of dignity, purpose, and fulfillment.
Oprah got it... and it radically changed her thinking. But, it was only a dream...

Just some random thoughts...

Marriage Success = Accommodation, Compromise, & Colaboration

2008-02-18T07:40:00.000-05:00

A study of couples awhile back (by Jacobson & Christensen) found 5 factors of couple success in therapy- Commitment, Age, Emotional Engagement, Traditionality, and Convergent Goals for the Marriage.... all of which indicated relational accommodation, compromise and colaboration. Let's briefly look at each:
1.) Couples that were more committed to staying together showed more willingness to work out their differences. Individuals who had pessimisstic views re: the relationship, or the longevity of relationships in general, were less willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship. Other studies have shown that couples are usually in a better state 5 years later after a near divorce experience. Bottom line: stick it out as long as you can.... as long as it's safe- don't tolerate abuse. (Side note- Psychiatrists will not perscribe medications to individuals who are in physically or emotionally abusive marriages because the meds will cause the person to tolerate the abuse better.... not good!)

2.) The younger an individual is, the better chances of success. One would think, "Oh, the longer you stay together, the harder it is to change!" That may be so, but that is not what this is saying. This purely has to do with age. For example, studies showed that newly wed couples in their fifties struggled to change more than younger couples. The point here is one's ability to stay "young at heart." The older we get the more intolerant we become... as it takes more physical effort to stretch to touch your toes, so it takes more effort to stretch your mind around new ways of seeing things. Bottom line: stay open to change... don't get stuck in a mental rut!

3.) Couples who are more emotionally engaged have better marital satisfaction. The more you are concerned about your partner, the more you are willing to work out your problems at not disengage. Here's a major red flag- no sex... or very little sex... is a really bad sign! It shows the couple has emotionally disengaged. I didn't see this show, but someone told me that an author appearing on Oprah stated that having sex at least once a week... even if it was somewhat forced... was very beneficial to the marriage. I believe it! Bottom line: stay connected... literally (HA!)... and you'll have a better marriage.

4.) Egalitarian marriages fair better than traditional marriages. Traditional marriage are those with strong gender role distinctions. Studies show trad. marriages stay together longer (slightly better stats.) but the individuals are not as happy as in egalitarian marriages. Marriages in which couples work together to solve problems and gender roles are more flexible... "peers" working together... have more success. Three factors in traditional marriages that have been shown to cause problems- a.) single breadwinners that control the finances... too much power & control in one partners hands, b.) strick gender-role stereotypes... "who does what"... not enough flexibility and adaptibilty, c.) emotional well-being of family members primarily the role of the wife... the more involved the husband/father is in the emotional care of the family members, the better it is. Bottom line: be flexible in roles and problem solving.

5.) Couples who share a similiar vision of what they want their marriage to be fair better, even in times of conflict. Couples that better define what they want... in terms of intimacy (emotional & physical), activities, financial goals, parenting objectives, etc... achieve better success. Bottom line: set a course for your journey, and when the winds of conflict blow, they won't blow you away because you'll both be fighting to stay the course to reach your mutual destination.

Just some thoughts of a therapist...

Anguished Parents, Anxious Children

2008-02-17T14:28:00.000-05:00

We live in exciting but perplexing times. Never before have we had so much. Never before have we been so concerned about loosing it. It’s not that we fear total poverty, as our grandparents did during the great depression. No, we fear not being able to provide enough. We fear not making enough money- enough money to live in a nice neighborhood, enough money to drive a nice car, enough money for childcare, elderly parent-care, and our own retirement, enough money for vacations and satellite TV.
We fear not being able to provide our children with enough opportunities for them to succeed. We fear that we’re not strick enough with our children, or the opposite, that we’re not easy going enough. We fear not having enough time to spend with our children, our spouses; fearing that we’re not getting enough done (whatever that may be); there just never is enough time in the day to accomplish what we need to.
Parents today are living in anguish from the stress of excess. The burden to keep up with the culture, to stay ahead of the curve, to maintain an expected lifestyle of abundance. Parents today live in anguish.
The effect on Men…
*Pressure to succeed, to be competent/marketable skills- an expendable resource.
*Competition abounds/ long hours/ Fear of downsizing.
*Stress related illnesses on sky-rocketing.
*Everyman struggle over one question- Do I have what it takes, Am I manly enough, as a provider, a lover, a father, a mate. At times we anguish over that question
The effect on Women…
*Pressure to be perfect… to be it all… pressure of being a stay at home mom vs. a career women, and the guilt associated with each choice.
* The trend over the past 6 years is for women to leave their families, including leaving the kids with the father.
*Pressure to raise outstanding, happy kids
*Every women struggles with the question, "Am I good enough," as a wife, a mom, a friend. *The struggle with feelings of unworthiness.
*Child’s success= Mother success.
In her prophetic 1981 book: "Children without Childhood”, Marie Winn powerfully develops the argument that civilization has recently shifted its fundamental attitude toward parenting the young. She writes, “The change has occurred so swiftly that most adults are hardly aware that a true conceptual and behavioral revolution is under way, one that has yet to be clearly defined and understood…. Once parents struggled to preserve children’s innocence, to keep childhood a carefree golden age, and to shelter children from life’s vicissitudes. The new era operates on the belief that children must be exposed early to adult experience in order to survive in an increasingly complex and uncontrollable world. The Age of Protection has ended. An Age of Preparation has set in."
The focus now: Exposure to as many opportunities as possible, Preparation- get your kids ready, best education possible, Networking with powerful people/powerful kids.
David Elkind in his book "The Hurried Child", writes that parents are now seeking “optimum child development”. Normal child development is no longer acceptable. He writes, “Because parents have bought into the idea that having it all is a worthwhile and necessary goal for themselves, tragically, they destroy childhood by pushing their young children to have it all as well. Adults squeeze all of life’s facets- marriage, career, working out, church, friendships, relaxing with TV, and parenting- into the day. If we see childhood as a time for special nurturing and explorations, we should be protecting our children from the encroachment of too many activities rather than dragging them along into our pursuit of them.”
Finally, let me wrap it up with this quote from Michael and Diane Medved’s book, “Saving Childhood: protecting our children from the national assault on innocence,” “Pushing children probably does give them an edge academically over their peers- at first. Extracurricular lessons effectively teach them all sorts of skills, from computer to karate. But when parents push, they also teach kids a more harmful message: to define success in terms of a good school, a prestigious job, and earning a lot of money, rather than in terms of spirituality or mastering virtues such as charity, honesty, or reliability. Parents would serve their children better if they emphasized happiness over achievement, and goodness over goodies.”

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,

but be transformed, by the renewing of your mind.”

Romans 12:2

The Child Rat Race

2008-02-17T07:12:00.002-05:00

Several years ago, an experiment was conducted at UCLA where mice were put on amphetamines to determine how much of the drug was needed to cause an OD and kill them. The results were amazing! They found it took 20 times more of the drug to kill a mouse by itself then to kill one in a group of mice high on the drug. Better still, mice who had no drugs in their system, placed in a group of mice that were high, died at the same rate as the ones using! What does this tell us? A fast-paced life can kill you!

Never before have we lived in such a fast-paced culture. Parents are crazy busy with their careers and the raising of children. Children are busy with the demands of college-prep schools and one activity after another. Studies show that: recess time at schools has dropped by 50%, the amount of time kids have to spend at a sibling's activity has increased 6-fold (from a half-hour a week to three-hours a week), that anxiety disorders for children has skyrocketed over the past 15 years due the demands on kids.

My wife and I recently considered transferring our son to a different school for his middle school years. The new school had longer class times (meaning more time sitting in a structured setting) and far fewer breaks. The kids had to sit at assigned tables in the cafeteria... never allowed to visit outside their 20-30 class members all year... and then the remaining time consisted of listening to a lecture on a value topic. Ten percent of the time they could sit and talk without structure... but they could not run around and play. Virtually no free time to chill out or burn off some energy! This factor... along with some others... was the reason why we chose to keep him at his present school. There, he gets a 10-minute short recess and nearly an hour lunch, where he can sit with whomever he chooses from whatever grade to eat and do whatever he wishes (play outside, sit and chat, etc) after that. Our children are growing up in pressure cookers of constriction and stress!

Dr. Wendy Mogul, author of the excellent book “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee” writes, “Unsure how to find grace and security in the complex world we’ve inherited, we try to fill up the spaces in our children’s lives with stuff: birthday entertainments, rooms full of toys and equipment, tutors and lessons. But material pleasures can’t buy peace of mind, and all the excess leads to more anxiety. An especially troubling aspect of modern child-rearing is the way parents fetishize their children’s achievements and feelings. We want the child to be successful and we want the child to be happy. The emphasis is on finding ways to keep the child’s self-regard in tact and mood elevated." She sums it up by saying, "I’ve come to believe that many of the problems in the children I've counseled arose from two sources: the heavy pressure in a competitive world and their unconscious recognition of how unnaturally important they were to their parents."

Some suggestions:

1.) One activity per child, per semester (some authors say per year!). If you have multiple children, you probably need to spread the activities over the year so that siblings are not having to sit at practices and games for extensive periods of time. A good day to examine is your Saturday. How many hours are you and your children at organized activities?

2.) Year after year, studies have consistently shown that the most important activity for good child health is the sharing of a family dinner on a consistent basis. It is amazing how benefitial this one shared activity is! It has been shown to improve academics, prevent alcohol and drug use, improve social competencies, improve physical health, and more. Three to four nights a week, dinner at home, with Dad! The benefits are worth it!

3.) Control media! Children should never have a TV or computer connected to the internet in their rooms, never. Parents should never have a TV in their rooms either (bad for the family and marriage.... plenty of studies show this... get it out!)! Children should have limits on media (TV, computer, cell-phones, game boys, etc.).

4.) Increase your family fun time together and be creative in play with kids.

5.) Allow your children to have imaginative play-time... time to play by themselves and learn to entertain themselves.

5.) Don't forget the chores. Many chores allow the child to daydream and reflect on life. Reflection is a thinking skill that is becoming lost in our culture, yet it's through reflection that individuals learn to problem solve and think more deeply.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Proverbs 4:23

Word Games

2008-02-11T07:33:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed the games we play during conflict, trying to defend ourselves and prove the other person false? Consider the words of Ravi Zacharias: "We play with words when it indits us; however, we hold the demands of language when we are inditing somebody else. Anytime you're in a contract, the one claiming his/her rights is going for the precise meaning of language, whereas the one wanting escape is redefining words. If it's against us, we minimize our position and the words of what was said. If it's against somebody else, we hold their feet to the fire."
Isn't that the truth! The crazy thing about this is that we do it most often with loved ones! I see this sooo often in marital conflict... one spouse demanding absolute clarity in answers from the partner, while they minimize their spouse's demands of them. Someone once said, "When it comes to your spouse, give them the benefit of the doubt" and yet, the spouse is often the last one given grace to!
Teens are experts at doing this... they demand their parents hold to the exact words spoken... "you said ____, you never said_____;" yet they think is very unfair when their parents apply the same standards to them. I'm sure if you have teens you are saying, "Amen!"
This reminds me of Matthew 7:1-5, where Jesus discusses judging others, "For the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it shall be measured to you." Ouch!
Here's a few things I try to remember: 1.) Relationships are best when we maintain bonds of trust and security. I will never have a good relationship with someone if i continue to make them feel insecure; therefore, I need to speak with grace and truth. 2.) The second greatest command is to love your neighbor as yourself. I need to treat people with respect.... I need to be slow to anger and defensiveness, slow to speak, and quick to listen with humility. In this way, I will better fulfill the commandment. 3.) I need to remember it's "both/and", not "either/or". It's not, either I'm right and you're wrong, or vice verse. It's both I'm right is some ways and wrong in some ways, and the same applies to you; therefore, I can relax in the discussion and look at both sides. I can relax in knowing that I'm "only human" and need grace just as much as the next person, and I know you need grace too.
How we treat and interact with others is mirror unto ourselves... how secure we are within ourselves... how selfish verse selfless we are. As the book of James says, let's pay attention to what we see in the mirror and not walk away, learning nothing.

Just some random thoughts...

Dangerous Assumptions: Faulty Assumptions Cause Anxiety, Promote Immaturity, and Damage Healthy Relationships.

2008-02-11T07:25:00.001-05:00

One of the most dangerous things in life is faulty assumptions. In fact, as a professional counselor, I'd venture to say that the more faulty assumptions you make, and live by, the greater probability that you are living in dysfunctional mental health. Healthy individuals are slow in making assumptions, really making sure that they have the facts right before moving forward in their thinking or behavior.

Healthy assumptions allow us to live free of many fears and anxieties, like assuming the sun will rise tomorrow and that the great majority of individuals will stop at red lights. Faulty assumptions destroy friendships and families, cause people to make bad financial investments, and cause individuals to experience depression and anxiety. Faulty assumptions distort perceptions and lead individuals to make poor decisions. Consider a few examples:

• Many teens believe, "that would never happen to me" and then, based upon that faulty assumption, drive fast, abuse drugs/alcohol, or engage in risky sexual behaviors with dire consequences; terrible consequences stemming from faulty assumptions.

• A partner routinely "mind-reads" their spouse, creating false assumptions which lead to withdrawal. Over time, this negative pattern causes the marital relationship to crumble.

• A boy's parents believe there is a "right way" to do something, believing coloring within the lines of life is better than straying outside them. Based upon that assumption, the child's creativity is squashed while his fear of failure skyrockets. This often leads to child anxiety and most likely a strained parent/child relationship.

With faulty assumptions causing so many problems, why do people make them? Why are they not more careful to check their assumptions and be more careful? Three thoughts:

1.) Assumptions are often made to reduce fears, paradoxically causing even more disequilibrium. Human beings hate vulnerability and strive to create a personal world free from mystery, risk of failure, and exposure to humiliation. Raising up false gods of control and power, individuals strive to feel safe and in control, even if it's an illusion based upon faulty assumptions. America had the illusion of world dominance and control, until 9/11/2001 when that illusion was crushed into a million little pieces. The shock-waves from that earth shaking event created seismic shifts within the American psyche but not enough to topple the strong twin-towers of power and control. In an effort to fortify their foundations, security was increased to a oppressive level, resulting in an increase in the level of anxiety for the average individual. Now one has to fear searches of many kinds and the potentially serious consequence of a son sneaking his pocket-knife in his carry-on because he wants it for the camping vacation his family is taking in Colorado. Twenty-percent of adult Americans are disordered with anxiety whereas ninety-four percent of Mexicans have NEVER experienced a depressive or anxious episode. What's the difference? The illusion of control and the assumptions that accompany it.

2.) Assumptions are often made to answer the question "why?" Human brains are very pattern oriented, preferring to follow a pattern of thought and behavior. The saying, "I'm a creature of habit" has scientific validity! When an experience is outside a person's pattern of understanding and reason, it causes an alarm to go off inside the brain. Assumptions are made to ease the anxiety and increase feelings of control and security. When Sarah's boyfriend unexpectedly broke-up with her in such a callous manner, she was left shocked and bewildered, wondering WHY it happened. To calm her anxious feelings, she assumed certain things must have been true. He must feel guilty over some past sins. Her refusal of sexual advances frustrated him. She can live with that because she highly values her morals, so "that must be it," even if it is only an assumption. The fear that it could be something more significant within her that needs changing is to threatening to consider, so she sticks with something that answers the why question in a less threatening manner.

3.) Assumptions are made when communication breaks down. A couple, or a parent and child, may be trapped in the vortex of anger, disappointment, and shame. Communication may be fragile or even at a complete stand still. Because communication is fractured, assumptions fill the void of understanding. When the feelings between individuals are negative, then so will be the assumptions. There's no alternative. Negative feelings and fearful emotions produce faulty, negative assumptions. Then, these false assumptions are projected as if they were the gospel truth. When dialog commences, the conversation centers upon the assumptions of each party and not the actual truth. The individuals find themselves saying things like, "I never thought that"...."that's not what I meant".... "that's not what I believe." It becomes a duck-and-roll exercise to fend off the assumptions.

How many people have been wronged by faulty assumptions? How many relationships have fallen under the attack of such assaults? Think of this on a national or international stage. Think of racism and ethnic violence, of religious oppression and many other social ills. It's incredible the damage done due to faulty assumptions! Impulsively reacting based upon faulty assumptions may ease the anxiety of a person or nation, but tends to create further damage and destruction which only heightens fear and worry all the more. How fear is managed is exceedingly important. Human beings feel insecure and vulnerable, causing them to become easily scared and anxious. So, the next time you find yourself so sure about something, slow down and determine if your surety is based upon an assumption or something more substantial and credible. Ask questions. Explore different perspectives of the same issue. As the Bible says, "But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger" (James 1:19); for "On the lips of the discerning, wisdom is found" (Proverbs 10:13). By doing this, being slow to form assumptions, you will save yourself and others from a world of pain.

Christopher T. McCarthy, M.Ed., LPC (www.myanxiouschild.com)

Poem for Men

2008-02-07T23:57:00.000-05:00

Do You Have What it Takes?

The world demands, "Do you have what it takes?"

Pressure builds because of what is at stake.

Who am I when it's all on the line?

Will I come through for you time after time?

There is One who always delivers,

From His hands rose the mountains and mighty rivers.

His voice speaks to me daily,

"I was, I am, and I will always be."

"Trust in me," says the Lord, "I am your rock."

He created time so He hears not the tick of the clock.

Do I have what it takes? That's not the question.

Am I real? Am I free? These are the queries worthy of my attention.

What will I find when I look deep inside?

The lies from my past in the dark want to hide.

Christ came to release me and set me free

From the pain and the chains that bind mercilessly.

He is Truth and in Him I find rest,

Am I His? Is He mine? That is the test.

George Kelada

September 1, 2007

Used by Permission

A Tale to be Told

2008-02-07T22:12:00.001-05:00

I wonder what sort of tale we've fallen into?
Sam, The Fellowship of the Ring

"I wonder," replied Frodo. "And that's the way of a real tale. Take any one you're fond of. You may know, or guess, what kind of a tale it is, happy-ending or sad-ending, but the people in it don't know. Folk seem to have been just landed in them..." (LOL)

What's the nature of your tale? Do you ever stop and examine it? What is God up to in your story? What is he trying to tell you about yourself, about Him? What is trying to tell the world through you? It's something worth pondering... in fact one author has devoted a whole book to it if you won't to explore it more deeply- Dan Allender's "To be Told."

As a therapist, I'm constantly listening to people's stories, looking for clues that help me (and them) better understand their stories. I listen for things... clues, such as:
People- who were/are the people in their lives and what impact did they have on them for better or worse?
Setting- where did they journey in their lives? How did that impact them?
Adversity and Tradegy- All the stories that matter have adversities and tradegies in them. What has this person been through and how has it affected them?
Vows and Themes- As a result of the adversities and tradegies a person has gone through, how have they coped? What courses of action have they commited to? What are the recurrent themes in their live that get played out again and again until they see them and change them?

As you consider these things, what do you find? The deep consideration is worth it! It's too easy to settle for comfort... our culture thrives on it... most prefer to live in denial for years than face the mysteries, pain, and uncertainties of their life. It's such a waste to live that way... and usually causes other people pain. You may have wounds in your life due to others in your story never examining their lives!

"We are wired to grow, and all growth stretches us beyond our comfort level. Comfort is the absence of tension; growth requries a swim in murky, dangerous waters" "A good but unexamined life will be high on duty and not likely to celebrate the odd paradoxes, the ironic coincidences, and the humor of being dirt. Remember we are clay. Adam wasn't named Red by accident." (Allender).

Examining my own life has been the most freedom producing thing in my life! Nothing is more fulfilling then helping another person find freedom in theirs! Do the work, fight for freedom (LOR), discover the tale that you are in and what God is doing in and through you.

"I have come to heal the broken-hearted and set the captive free."
Jesus

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand!

Never againlet anyone put a harnss of slavery on you."
Galatians 5:1- The Message

Rock & Roll and Therapy

2008-02-07T18:43:00.000-05:00

Music is very powerful because it by-passes the logical mind and goes directly to the heart. It has the power to evoke memories from long-ago, bring you tears, evoke feelings of love, and draw you closer to God and nature. The Psalms express the full range of emotions through song, love, praise, confusion, anger, doubt, fear.... it's all there... in its raw and intense form.

Can God handle our intense emotions? Is it ok to express them? God does not want us to "let any unwholesome words come from our lips" but that does not mean that we can't express the fullness of what we feel. We need to in order full us to fully heal!

I remember working with someone years ago who was affraid to let out the fullness of her pain. I convinced her that both I and God could handle it. So, she let it rip... and boy did she let it rip! But the process freed her from years and years of pain, supressed because she was told to not speak any negative words out into the air. What terrible, unbiblical advice that kept her in bondage for years! In the West, we're so hung-up about expressing emotions. We need to embrace the styles of the Mid-East or African cultures where they express the fullness of all emotions.

Now, this may surprise some of you, but I'm a fan of Linkin Park, primarily because of their powerful album, Meteora. I don't know the story, but I think one of the band members must have been in therapy to write the songs the album contains. It is a therapy album that expresses the anger, pain, confusion, and hopes of being a young man hurt by his past. It's all there... and the music style captures the distraught mood even more. It's intense, but powerful.
Consider the lyrics of track 6, "Easier to Run" -
"It's easier to run than face all this pain here all alone.... something has been
taken from deep inside of me, a secret I've kept locked away no one else can see
wounds so deep they never show... they never go away
Like moving picture in my head...they never go away."

Consider also the hope expressed in track 3, "Somewhere I Belong"-
"I want to heal, I want to feel what I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I've held so long...
I want to find something I've wanted all along... somewhere I belong."

Find some music that speaks to you, something that you can take along with you in your journey.... it helps make the journey a more human, communal experience.

Just some random thoughts...

Father/Child Communication

2008-02-07T13:10:00.001-05:00

In my readings, I came across a paragraph re: how a son responds to his father which I thought was very powerful. Let me quote it and then unpack it:
“… the boy’s anger cannot be of the quality that merely states something like, “You have hurt me, and I want to tell you how hurt, humiliated, and frightened that makes me.” Such a statement by the boy has to rest on a basic assumption of safety plus a belief that the other person will be there psychologically, will receive the message, and will respond in ongoing interaction. Instead, the boy has to feel something like, “I am angry at you and I must better you (be aggressive toward you), so that there is no risk that you can hurt me again.”

Many fathers pick at their children... either through demands or sarcasstic statements... causing the child to get angry. When the child shows his/her anger at the father, he becomes angry and then claims the father card... "watch your mouth, son" ... "that's disrespectful and I won't tolerate it"... "you just lost ___ for a week!" What a terrible spot for the child.... provoked to anger but unable to express anger! Talk about a mental bind! Instead of being able to calming state their pain to their father, they feel that option is not safe, so they express anger towards him, distance from him, hide from him, turn to others to talk to, and leave the father out. And fathers wonder why they are often on the out?! No wonder the Bible tells fathers to not exasperate their children.... it breaks down the bond of trust and vulnerability. This pattern causes significant issues for the child which he takes into adult relationships (joy!)

This quote convicted me in my relationship with my son. My dad did it to me, and like it or not, I find myself too easily doing it to my son. I'm determined to stop it! What is your relational style with your children? Many men do not emotionally connect well with others, including their children (sad, but no surprise). They may have lots of fun with their kids... be "Disneyland Dads"... but few children, if any, know their dad deeply, or are known by them deeply. Men fear emotional vulnerability and intimacy, and to find “life” through their careers, hobbies/sports, sexual conquests, and/or addictions of some sort. What a messed up gender (I'll pick on the other gender another day)!

Now more than ever, children need their fathers... not just his discipline and money, but his love, his attention, his patience, his care. It's easy to get angry... it makes men feel strong... but it's not the right audience to use our strength against. Fathers feel it's important to protect their children.... but why does that get thrown out the window when it comes to their mental and emotional well being? Strange, isn't it? It's not good and it needs to change.

Just the random thoughts of a therapist...