One of the most dangerous things in life is faulty assumptions. In fact, as a professional counselor, I'd venture to say that the more faulty assumptions you make, and live by, the greater probability that you are living in dysfunctional mental health. Healthy individuals are slow in making assumptions, really making sure that they have the facts right before moving forward in their thinking or behavior.
Healthy assumptions allow us to live free of many fears and anxieties, like assuming the sun will rise tomorrow and that the great majority of individuals will stop at red lights. Faulty assumptions destroy friendships and families, cause people to make bad financial investments, and cause individuals to experience depression and anxiety. Faulty assumptions distort perceptions and lead individuals to make poor decisions. Consider a few examples:
• Many teens believe, "that would never happen to me" and then, based upon that faulty assumption, drive fast, abuse drugs/alcohol, or engage in risky sexual behaviors with dire consequences; terrible consequences stemming from faulty assumptions.
• A partner routinely "mind-reads" their spouse, creating false assumptions which lead to withdrawal. Over time, this negative pattern causes the marital relationship to crumble.
• A boy's parents believe there is a "right way" to do something, believing coloring within the lines of life is better than straying outside them. Based upon that assumption, the child's creativity is squashed while his fear of failure skyrockets. This often leads to child anxiety and most likely a strained parent/child relationship.
With faulty assumptions causing so many problems, why do people make them? Why are they not more careful to check their assumptions and be more careful? Three thoughts:
1.) Assumptions are often made to reduce fears, paradoxically causing even more disequilibrium. Human beings hate vulnerability and strive to create a personal world free from mystery, risk of failure, and exposure to humiliation. Raising up false gods of control and power, individuals strive to feel safe and in control, even if it's an illusion based upon faulty assumptions. America had the illusion of world dominance and control, until 9/11/2001 when that illusion was crushed into a million little pieces. The shock-waves from that earth shaking event created seismic shifts within the American psyche but not enough to topple the strong twin-towers of power and control. In an effort to fortify their foundations, security was increased to a oppressive level, resulting in an increase in the level of anxiety for the average individual. Now one has to fear searches of many kinds and the potentially serious consequence of a son sneaking his pocket-knife in his carry-on because he wants it for the camping vacation his family is taking in Colorado. Twenty-percent of adult Americans are disordered with anxiety whereas ninety-four percent of Mexicans have NEVER experienced a depressive or anxious episode. What's the difference? The illusion of control and the assumptions that accompany it.
2.) Assumptions are often made to answer the question "why?" Human brains are very pattern oriented, preferring to follow a pattern of thought and behavior. The saying, "I'm a creature of habit" has scientific validity! When an experience is outside a person's pattern of understanding and reason, it causes an alarm to go off inside the brain. Assumptions are made to ease the anxiety and increase feelings of control and security. When Sarah's boyfriend unexpectedly broke-up with her in such a callous manner, she was left shocked and bewildered, wondering WHY it happened. To calm her anxious feelings, she assumed certain things must have been true. He must feel guilty over some past sins. Her refusal of sexual advances frustrated him. She can live with that because she highly values her morals, so "that must be it," even if it is only an assumption. The fear that it could be something more significant within her that needs changing is to threatening to consider, so she sticks with something that answers the why question in a less threatening manner.
3.) Assumptions are made when communication breaks down. A couple, or a parent and child, may be trapped in the vortex of anger, disappointment, and shame. Communication may be fragile or even at a complete stand still. Because communication is fractured, assumptions fill the void of understanding. When the feelings between individuals are negative, then so will be the assumptions. There's no alternative. Negative feelings and fearful emotions produce faulty, negative assumptions. Then, these false assumptions are projected as if they were the gospel truth. When dialog commences, the conversation centers upon the assumptions of each party and not the actual truth. The individuals find themselves saying things like, "I never thought that"...."that's not what I meant".... "that's not what I believe." It becomes a duck-and-roll exercise to fend off the assumptions.
How many people have been wronged by faulty assumptions? How many relationships have fallen under the attack of such assaults? Think of this on a national or international stage. Think of racism and ethnic violence, of religious oppression and many other social ills. It's incredible the damage done due to faulty assumptions! Impulsively reacting based upon faulty assumptions may ease the anxiety of a person or nation, but tends to create further damage and destruction which only heightens fear and worry all the more. How fear is managed is exceedingly important. Human beings feel insecure and vulnerable, causing them to become easily scared and anxious. So, the next time you find yourself so sure about something, slow down and determine if your surety is based upon an assumption or something more substantial and credible. Ask questions. Explore different perspectives of the same issue. As the Bible says, "But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger" (James 1:19); for "On the lips of the discerning, wisdom is found" (Proverbs 10:13). By doing this, being slow to form assumptions, you will save yourself and others from a world of pain.
Christopher T. McCarthy, M.Ed., LPC (www.myanxiouschild.com)
Healthy assumptions allow us to live free of many fears and anxieties, like assuming the sun will rise tomorrow and that the great majority of individuals will stop at red lights. Faulty assumptions destroy friendships and families, cause people to make bad financial investments, and cause individuals to experience depression and anxiety. Faulty assumptions distort perceptions and lead individuals to make poor decisions. Consider a few examples:
• Many teens believe, "that would never happen to me" and then, based upon that faulty assumption, drive fast, abuse drugs/alcohol, or engage in risky sexual behaviors with dire consequences; terrible consequences stemming from faulty assumptions.
• A partner routinely "mind-reads" their spouse, creating false assumptions which lead to withdrawal. Over time, this negative pattern causes the marital relationship to crumble.
• A boy's parents believe there is a "right way" to do something, believing coloring within the lines of life is better than straying outside them. Based upon that assumption, the child's creativity is squashed while his fear of failure skyrockets. This often leads to child anxiety and most likely a strained parent/child relationship.
With faulty assumptions causing so many problems, why do people make them? Why are they not more careful to check their assumptions and be more careful? Three thoughts:
1.) Assumptions are often made to reduce fears, paradoxically causing even more disequilibrium. Human beings hate vulnerability and strive to create a personal world free from mystery, risk of failure, and exposure to humiliation. Raising up false gods of control and power, individuals strive to feel safe and in control, even if it's an illusion based upon faulty assumptions. America had the illusion of world dominance and control, until 9/11/2001 when that illusion was crushed into a million little pieces. The shock-waves from that earth shaking event created seismic shifts within the American psyche but not enough to topple the strong twin-towers of power and control. In an effort to fortify their foundations, security was increased to a oppressive level, resulting in an increase in the level of anxiety for the average individual. Now one has to fear searches of many kinds and the potentially serious consequence of a son sneaking his pocket-knife in his carry-on because he wants it for the camping vacation his family is taking in Colorado. Twenty-percent of adult Americans are disordered with anxiety whereas ninety-four percent of Mexicans have NEVER experienced a depressive or anxious episode. What's the difference? The illusion of control and the assumptions that accompany it.
2.) Assumptions are often made to answer the question "why?" Human brains are very pattern oriented, preferring to follow a pattern of thought and behavior. The saying, "I'm a creature of habit" has scientific validity! When an experience is outside a person's pattern of understanding and reason, it causes an alarm to go off inside the brain. Assumptions are made to ease the anxiety and increase feelings of control and security. When Sarah's boyfriend unexpectedly broke-up with her in such a callous manner, she was left shocked and bewildered, wondering WHY it happened. To calm her anxious feelings, she assumed certain things must have been true. He must feel guilty over some past sins. Her refusal of sexual advances frustrated him. She can live with that because she highly values her morals, so "that must be it," even if it is only an assumption. The fear that it could be something more significant within her that needs changing is to threatening to consider, so she sticks with something that answers the why question in a less threatening manner.
3.) Assumptions are made when communication breaks down. A couple, or a parent and child, may be trapped in the vortex of anger, disappointment, and shame. Communication may be fragile or even at a complete stand still. Because communication is fractured, assumptions fill the void of understanding. When the feelings between individuals are negative, then so will be the assumptions. There's no alternative. Negative feelings and fearful emotions produce faulty, negative assumptions. Then, these false assumptions are projected as if they were the gospel truth. When dialog commences, the conversation centers upon the assumptions of each party and not the actual truth. The individuals find themselves saying things like, "I never thought that"...."that's not what I meant".... "that's not what I believe." It becomes a duck-and-roll exercise to fend off the assumptions.
How many people have been wronged by faulty assumptions? How many relationships have fallen under the attack of such assaults? Think of this on a national or international stage. Think of racism and ethnic violence, of religious oppression and many other social ills. It's incredible the damage done due to faulty assumptions! Impulsively reacting based upon faulty assumptions may ease the anxiety of a person or nation, but tends to create further damage and destruction which only heightens fear and worry all the more. How fear is managed is exceedingly important. Human beings feel insecure and vulnerable, causing them to become easily scared and anxious. So, the next time you find yourself so sure about something, slow down and determine if your surety is based upon an assumption or something more substantial and credible. Ask questions. Explore different perspectives of the same issue. As the Bible says, "But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger" (James 1:19); for "On the lips of the discerning, wisdom is found" (Proverbs 10:13). By doing this, being slow to form assumptions, you will save yourself and others from a world of pain.
Christopher T. McCarthy, M.Ed., LPC (www.myanxiouschild.com)
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