Father/Child Communication

In my readings, I came across a paragraph re: how a son responds to his father which I thought was very powerful. Let me quote it and then unpack it:
“… the boy’s anger cannot be of the quality that merely states something like, “You have hurt me, and I want to tell you how hurt, humiliated, and frightened that makes me.” Such a statement by the boy has to rest on a basic assumption of safety plus a belief that the other person will be there psychologically, will receive the message, and will respond in ongoing interaction. Instead, the boy has to feel something like, “I am angry at you and I must better you (be aggressive toward you), so that there is no risk that you can hurt me again.”

Many fathers pick at their children... either through demands or sarcasstic statements... causing the child to get angry. When the child shows his/her anger at the father, he becomes angry and then claims the father card... "watch your mouth, son" ... "that's disrespectful and I won't tolerate it"... "you just lost ___ for a week!" What a terrible spot for the child.... provoked to anger but unable to express anger! Talk about a mental bind! Instead of being able to calming state their pain to their father, they feel that option is not safe, so they express anger towards him, distance from him, hide from him, turn to others to talk to, and leave the father out. And fathers wonder why they are often on the out?! No wonder the Bible tells fathers to not exasperate their children.... it breaks down the bond of trust and vulnerability. This pattern causes significant issues for the child which he takes into adult relationships (joy!)

This quote convicted me in my relationship with my son. My dad did it to me, and like it or not, I find myself too easily doing it to my son. I'm determined to stop it! What is your relational style with your children? Many men do not emotionally connect well with others, including their children (sad, but no surprise). They may have lots of fun with their kids... be "Disneyland Dads"... but few children, if any, know their dad deeply, or are known by them deeply. Men fear emotional vulnerability and intimacy, and to find “life” through their careers, hobbies/sports, sexual conquests, and/or addictions of some sort. What a messed up gender (I'll pick on the other gender another day)!

Now more than ever, children need their fathers... not just his discipline and money, but his love, his attention, his patience, his care. It's easy to get angry... it makes men feel strong... but it's not the right audience to use our strength against. Fathers feel it's important to protect their children.... but why does that get thrown out the window when it comes to their mental and emotional well being? Strange, isn't it? It's not good and it needs to change.

Just the random thoughts of a therapist...