Forgiveness in Relationships

Relationships can be tough because people betray. You really can't get away from it. Because of the Fall of man, all individuals are tainted with selfishness and self-preservation, and therefore, all will betray. I'll write more on betrayal at another time, but for now, go with me on the fact that all people betray- husband to wife, wife to husband, child to parent, parent to child, friend to friend, etc. It doesn't have to be a big betrayal either to qualify, like one of the Triple A's- Adultery, Addiction, or Abuse. No, blowing somebody off by not returning a call qualifies as betrayal just fine.

Now, if we're going to maitain relationships in the midst of betrayal, we're going have to learn how to forgive. Here are two important points that make the act of forgiveness easier:

1.) Understanding- If the offended party can make an effort to understand the wrongdoers paradigm for making the bad decision, then forgiveness can be achieved sooner. Effort should be made to understand the wrongdoers situation, options, efforts, and limits. This is an effort to lift the culpability of the person who caused the hurt. Instead of subjecting the wrongdoer to endless condemnation, the offended person learns how the environment and feelings of injustice developed within the wrongdoer to lead them to their offending choice. They are not off the hook, just better understood.

2.) Acceptance of Responsibility- When a person is hurt within a family, it is reasonable for that person to expect the wrongdoer to take responsibility for their actions. Forgiveness requires some specific action regarding the responsibility for the injustice that caused the hurt. It is critical (and this is where forgiveness often breaks down) for the offended party to feel that the wrongdoer has taken full responsibility for their actions and that they commit to not repeating that offending action again in the future. Forgiving involves the victimized no longer has to hold the wrongdoer responsible because the wrongdoer holds him or herself responsible! When this truly takes place, trust can be restored through repeated trustworthy actions for the offended henceforth. Sadly, this is often not the case.

A person commits an affair and gets caught. The partners discuss it and the offended gains an understanding of why it happened. The wrongdoer commits to the partner that it's over and that he/she is recommitted. Then... the wrongdoer offends again by hiding emails or an email account, buying a calling card, or not accounting for missing time. The wrongdoer complains that they are being hassled and that their partner hasn't really forgiven them or let it go. But... the offender is not fulfilling their part! They are still breaking trust by not being honest and open. They have not fulfilled their part of the contract that makes forgiveness complete! Both understanding and a commitment to change are needed. The wrongdoer can forgive... and should for their own benefit, but for the relationship to fully recover... for trust and security to be recovered, these two things must be present.

(Credit is given to T. Hargrave for his writings on forgiveness.)

Just some random thoughts...