Marriage Success = Accommodation, Compromise, & Colaboration

A study of couples awhile back (by Jacobson & Christensen) found 5 factors of couple success in therapy- Commitment, Age, Emotional Engagement, Traditionality, and Convergent Goals for the Marriage.... all of which indicated relational accommodation, compromise and colaboration. Let's briefly look at each:
1.) Couples that were more committed to staying together showed more willingness to work out their differences. Individuals who had pessimisstic views re: the relationship, or the longevity of relationships in general, were less willing to compromise for the sake of the relationship. Other studies have shown that couples are usually in a better state 5 years later after a near divorce experience. Bottom line: stick it out as long as you can.... as long as it's safe- don't tolerate abuse. (Side note- Psychiatrists will not perscribe medications to individuals who are in physically or emotionally abusive marriages because the meds will cause the person to tolerate the abuse better.... not good!)

2.) The younger an individual is, the better chances of success. One would think, "Oh, the longer you stay together, the harder it is to change!" That may be so, but that is not what this is saying. This purely has to do with age. For example, studies showed that newly wed couples in their fifties struggled to change more than younger couples. The point here is one's ability to stay "young at heart." The older we get the more intolerant we become... as it takes more physical effort to stretch to touch your toes, so it takes more effort to stretch your mind around new ways of seeing things. Bottom line: stay open to change... don't get stuck in a mental rut!

3.) Couples who are more emotionally engaged have better marital satisfaction. The more you are concerned about your partner, the more you are willing to work out your problems at not disengage. Here's a major red flag- no sex... or very little sex... is a really bad sign! It shows the couple has emotionally disengaged. I didn't see this show, but someone told me that an author appearing on Oprah stated that having sex at least once a week... even if it was somewhat forced... was very beneficial to the marriage. I believe it! Bottom line: stay connected... literally (HA!)... and you'll have a better marriage.

4.) Egalitarian marriages fair better than traditional marriages. Traditional marriage are those with strong gender role distinctions. Studies show trad. marriages stay together longer (slightly better stats.) but the individuals are not as happy as in egalitarian marriages. Marriages in which couples work together to solve problems and gender roles are more flexible... "peers" working together... have more success. Three factors in traditional marriages that have been shown to cause problems- a.) single breadwinners that control the finances... too much power & control in one partners hands, b.) strick gender-role stereotypes... "who does what"... not enough flexibility and adaptibilty, c.) emotional well-being of family members primarily the role of the wife... the more involved the husband/father is in the emotional care of the family members, the better it is. Bottom line: be flexible in roles and problem solving.

5.) Couples who share a similiar vision of what they want their marriage to be fair better, even in times of conflict. Couples that better define what they want... in terms of intimacy (emotional & physical), activities, financial goals, parenting objectives, etc... achieve better success. Bottom line: set a course for your journey, and when the winds of conflict blow, they won't blow you away because you'll both be fighting to stay the course to reach your mutual destination.

Just some thoughts of a therapist...