Waiting with Desire

So, I'm on the verge of releasing a product that I've been working on for two straight years. My partner & I thought it would take us six-months. Ha! We never would have started it if we knew it would have taken this long. No way. I was taking classes for my PhD (still trying to finish it), working a full-time practice, and raising three kids. No way. But, God had other plans.

Through this journey, God has healed my heart in many ways. I've seen my different educational degrees all come together and work in unisome. I seen my heart healed through the work of writing and creating. So fun. So hard. God has used it for such a deep healing of my heart, of my competency. I praise Him for it!

Now it's done and we're putting the final touches on it. The new website should be up in just a few days to start selling the product. Now I wait. Though the process of creating has been very fulfilling, I still desire for it to have an impact in the lives of children, to heal their anxious hearts. I wait with desire, desire greatly fulfilled thus far, but desire still waiting to be fulfilled. That is the walk with the Lord, isn't it?

The Lord loves to give us our desires. Do you believe it? Yes, He does. "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of you heart" (Psalm 37:5). "If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will you Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matt. 7:11). Now, he doesn't want our desire to rule us or entangle us in sinful behaviors. He has to free hearts to receive our desires without being in bondage to them. But nevertheless, it longs to show His children His love.

I wait upon the Lord... with great anticipation... to see what He will do. I couldn't have predicted the last two years, so I certainly can't predict the next two. That's what I love about walking with God. It's such an adventure!

Chris

PS- The product is Turnaround: Turning Fear into Freedom. It is a step-by-step audio program to help kids overcome anxiety. My website is http://www.myanxiouschild.com/ and the new look will be up this week.

When Depressed, Discontent and Suicidal, Seek LIFE! (Published Version)

Shelly wore the face of a depressed person. She dragged her weary body across my threshold and plopped herself on my couch. "Life is too much," she said with exhausted breath. But as she continued, it became clear to me that she actually had too little life and an abundance of death.

Life and death are the energies that ebb and flow within our lives. A healthy person focuses on creating an abundance of life and minimizes the forces of death that sap their life energy. The fruits of life are love, joy, creativity, passion, movement, peace, community, and an outward focus to name a few. Some fruits of death are boredom, fatigue, anxiety, depression, addiction, lethargy, busyness without purpose, and a focus on self. We grow weary because of the death the reigns within us, our body, mind, and soul. We need more life!

The mistake is to think that life is achieved with little effort, that something is wrong if you must work for it. But nothing could be further from the truth. A hatchling fights its way out of shell. The baby sea turtle struggles towards the sea. The seedling struggles to find light. The woman labors in child birth. Nature testifies to the truth; life must be fought for.

Consider the words of George MacDonald, "Let us in all the troubles of life remember that our one lack is life, that what we need is more life. When most oppressed, when most weary of life, let us remind ourselves that it is presence of death we are weary of. When most inclined to sleep, let us rouse ourselves to live. Of all things let us avoid the false refuge of a weary collapse, a hopeless yielding to things as they are. It is the life in us that is discontented. We need more of what is discontented, not more of the cause of its discontent. Discontent, I repeat, is the life in us that has not enough of itself."

Shelly allowed the chaos of a culture obsessed with finding life through soul killing pursuits to overwhelm her and produce the feelings of death. What she needed was a timeout to contemplate her life and the fruit it was bearing. I encouraged her to commit the next one to three months to an intense self-evaluation, determining the agents of death to be extradited from her life and the life-giving sources that needed to be nurtured and developed. I suggested a few things to help her focus this time.

First, prioritize times of solitude. This time is needed to think, contemplate, and tap into one's desires. Solitude is an unappreciated gift that fosters life. It natures the soul .

Second, read and reflect. In the age of Google and Wikipedia, where everything is reduced to simple, quick snippets of information, much is lost by not reading deeply and reflecting for the purpose of life change. Since 2000, reading rates are quickly declining as people spend more time searching the web, texting, and socializing through mediums like Facebook. Nothing wrong with those as long as they are balanced by times of solitude and reading. Life can be fostered by reading books like Daniel Pink's Drive, Timothy Ferriss's The Four-Hour Work Week, and the classic Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl.

Third, foster a spiritual life. Studies consistently show that persons of faith lead more balanced lives, experience less depression and anxiety, and are overall happier individuals. Spiritual teachings encourage altruistic living and purpose driven lives, things that have been shown to bear the fruit of life.

Finally, ground yourself in nature. Use your five senses (seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, and feeling) to experience the life that is abundant in nature. It has the affect of grounding a person by enveloping a person into something larger than themselves. Nature absorbs the stress given off by an individual and gives back life.

Shelly realized that she needed to fight for her life, that death was overtaking her and slowly killing her. She prioritized solitude and made time for reading and reflecting in her journal. She found a church starting her day with Bible reading and prayer. Shelly also included her husband and kids in her new life pursuit by including them in weekly nature hikes. The next time she crossed my threshold, she was alive and full of joy and purpose. She had created the life she was looking for.

Christopher T. McCarthy, LPC (myanxiouschild.com)

Ref. George MacDonald (Edited by Michael Phillips)- Your Life in Christ: The nature of god and His works in the human heart. Bethany House, 2005.

When Depressed, Discontent and Suicidal, Seek LIFE! Thoughts from George MacDonald

"I came that they may have life, and may have it abundantly."    John 10:10

Some thoughts from George MacDonald's Life.

"What does the infant need but more life? What does the bosom of his mother give him but life in abundance? What does the old man need, whose limbs are weak and whose pulse is low, but more of the life which seems to be ebbing from him? Weary with feebleness, he calls upon death, but in reality it is life he wants."

"Low-sunk life imagines itself weary of life. But it is death, not life, it is weary of. Why does the poor, worn suicide seek death? Is it not in reality to escape from death- from the death of homelessness and hunger and cold, the death of failure and disappointment and distraction, the death of the exhaustion of passion, the death of crime and fear of discovery, the death of madness- of a household he cannot rule? He seek the darkness because it seems a refuge from the death which possesses him. He is a creature possessed by death. What he calls life is but a dream full of horrible phantasms."

"All things are possible with God, but all things are not easy. I imagine that from the first he has willed and labored to give existence to other creatures who should be blessed with his blessedness... The whole history is a divine agony to give divine life to creatures. The outcome of that agony, the victory of that creative and continually creative energy, will be radiant life.. This life exists for all who will receive it. ...the man to whom God is all and all, who feels his life-roots hid with Christ in God, who knows himself the inheritor of all wealth, worlds, ages, and power- that man has begun to be alive indeed."

"Let us in all the troubles of life remember that our one lack is life, that what we need is more life- more life making presence is us making us more, and more largely, alive. When most oppressed, when most weary of life, as our unbelief would phrase it, let us remind ourselves that it is in truth the inroad and presence of death we are weary of. When most inclined to sleep, let us rouse ourselves to live. Of all things let us avoid the false refuge of a weary collapse, a hopeless yielding to things as they are. It is the life in us that is discontented. We need more of what is discontented, not more of the cause of its discontent. Discontent, I repeat, is the life in us that has not enough of itself. He has the victory who, in the midst of pain and weakness, cries out, not for death or for repose of the forgetfulness, but for the strength to fight, for more power, more consciousness of being, more God in him."

Ref. George MacDonald (Edited by Michael Phillips)- Your Life in Christ: The nature of god and His works in the human heart. Bethany House, 2005.

Love expressed through PURSUIT

I am convinced that one of the greatest wounds many of us experience in childhood and throughout life comes from the lack of pursuit. We know we are loved when we are pursued. A child knows they are loved when they have a parent pursue them, when a parent stops and asks them how they are doing, ask them what they need, inquire about their friends, etc. A spouse knows they are loved when their spouse sits and talks with them, cooks them their favorite meal, gives them a card for no special reason other than to say "thanks" or "I love you."

Last month I was at a church function and talked to a few guys that I did not know or only met maybe once before. As a counselor, I easily ask questions of others and inquire about their lives. What often amazes me is how poor men are at pursuing another person, except for some selfish gain. I talked with one guy for at least 40 minutes, asking about his job, his family, etc. Not once did he ask me any questions about my life. I left that conversation feeling un-pursued and uncared for. I later learned from my wife that that man's marriage is in major trouble. Is it any wonder! I then sat next to another man. As a golf pro, he had a very interesting life and could have gone on and on about his experiences, but he didn't. He pursued me with a passion that was impressive. His questions showed a genuine interest in me and my pursuits. I left that conversation feeling energized, happy, and wanting more. I felt pursued.

The Bible spends a great deal of time stressing how it is God that pursues us and not the other way around. He knows our heart's desire to be pursued and he goes after it. Take for example the three parables that begin in Luke 15, the parable of the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the lost son. All clearly show that God is a God that will do whatever it takes in pursuing the lost soul in order for them to experience the joy of the Father's love. God finds us and heals us through pursuit.

What's your story? Do you have wounds from your childhood due to not being pursued? How good are you at pursuing others? Do you walk closely with God in order to feels his love? Meditate and pray over this theme of pursuit. Allow the Lord to heal your heart in this area, to open your eyes to His pursuant love, and to learn how to love others better through the means of pursuit.

Longing For Heaven

I recently worked with a young female who was deeply bothered by the media's portrayal of women, pornography, and all the sexual images displayed nearly everywhere. She feared it would affect her boyfriend's view of her and sex, that it was damaging the minds of her guy friends, and that it may cause her marriage to fail in the end. She has a beautiful heart and a Godly passion for purity. She wonders how she can join the fight against porn and sex in the media. It was very refreshing to see!

I asked her what she wanted, what she hoped for. She said she wanted the world to be free of all this filth, for it to be banned somehow so that people would not be affected by it. She wanted a world that was purer, cleaner, and safer for her to live in. She wanted... heaven.

Many people's deepest longings, which oddly enough show up in their obsessions, are longings for heaven. She longs for a world that is safe and secure, a world that she can be free to be herself and not have to worry about how guys are viewing her or what her boyfriend might be stumbling upon on the internet. This is a common longing for women, a world that is safe, ordered, and where relationships can be truly intimate. They want what Adam and Eve had; "they were naked and unashamed" (Gen. 2:25). I once pointed out to a woman that her OCD tendencies, her obsessing over having a clear house and everything in its place, was a longing for heaven. She said it was one of the most profound things she had ever heard. It made complete sense to her. The challenge for both these women, and for us all, is to find peace living in an imperfect world while longing and hoping for a perfect one.

Men's longings are not so much for a safe world but for one that is free from futility and the endless struggle to make things happen, work, and function well. Women were cursed with loneliness, heartache, and vulnerability (Gen. 3: 16). Men were cursed with futility and the endless toil of pulling weeds (Gen. 3:17-19). Men want a place that works and doesn't require their endless sustainment of it. This is why men long for wealth and success. They hope by having that, they will be able to rest and enjoy the fruits of their labor. Here are some dysfunctional behaviors that are really longings for heaven:

**Porn use by men is the desire to feel adequate, competent, and good enough. Sport and hobbie obsessions by men are longings for adequacy, competency, and adventure. Men are often bored. They want something to make them feel alive and strong. Those are longings for heaven, for a world where those longings can be fulfilled.

**Shopping, chick-flicks, romance novels, and the like are ways women seek to feel valuable and worthy of attention. "If I look good, I can keep the man and be accepted by other women," goes the thought. Through fantasy, "I can have the man and the deep relationships I want."

**Drug and alcohol addictions are escapes from pain and a longing for a world that is less painful, simpler, and one that allows for more fun. It's often longing for relationships to be easier and less anxious producing (the whole idea of how "after a couple of drinks I'm able to lighten up and relate better").

What are your obsessions, your "must haves," your strivings all about? Are the really longing for heaven? Maybe you need to quit striving and hope in the Lord, for not only life eternal but also the ability to live life with hope and joy as you wait for heaven. I strongly encourage you to read Romans 8:18-39. I close with two verses from that passage.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared

with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation

waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God" (Rom. 8:18-19).

Finding life apart from God (Genesis 12:10-13:4)

"It is refreshing to meet a real pilgrim in the midst

of our secular, security-loving age with its

continual emphasis upon comfort, convenience, and compromise."

Ray Stedman of Abraham

Abram was this type of pilgrim before Genesis 12:10. He was walking with God, walking in the Spirit. He was journeying with Him and finding life totally dependent upon Him, symbolized by living in a tent and the building of altars. But then a famine came upon the land and everything changed.

The famine in this passage represents a threat to one's life, something that causes us to panic because we fear our life will be changed for the worse. In such times we can choose to call upon the Lord for strength and life, or we can take matters into our own hands. Abram chose the latter and we can learn a great deal from results of this choice by reading his story.

Abram comes up with a plan to find life in the midst of this trial. There is no evidence that the Lord told him to go to Egypt as He told him to go to Canaan. This is Abram's plan. He took matters into his own hands. When our lives feel out of control and we fear losing our "lifestyle," we take matters into our own hands instead of calling upon the Lord. This is Abram's first mistake.

As he travels to Egypt, he tells his wife Sarai (both Abram's and Sarai's names will change later in the story) to say she is his sister rather than wife since she is a beautiful woman and he fears they may kill him for her. As is often the case when relying upon one's own plan, small lies must be told in order for the plan to be properly executed. Such is the case with Abram. He solicits Sarai to join him in his plan, to tell a lie in order to keep him safe. Mind you the cost of this lie is huge, putting not only Sarai in danger but all of Abrams offspring forever more, as you will soon see. This is Abram's second mistake. What are the consequences of these two mistakes, two mistakes that all of us tend to make when we take matters into our hands instead of relying upon the Lord?

First, Abram's character is compromised. He is intentionally deceiving others and taking on the lifestyle of the worldly cultures around him.

Second, Abram's decision put his loved ones and offspring at risk. Sarai was taken into the Pharaoh's harem. Who knows what she was subjected to. Abram's nephew Lot was also with them. He grew to like the things of Egypt and later when faced he the temptations of Sodom and Gomorrah, he could not resist them for they reminded him of "the plains of Egypt."

Third, Abram acquired great wealth. The problem with wealth, especially when gained through deceitful means, is that is can lead a person away from the Lord (Mark 4:19). Additionally, the things gained through wealth can negatively affect a person, and possibly their offspring as well. Abram acquired maidservants by Pharaoh through his relationship to Sarai. One of the maidservants was Hagar! Abram later conceived a child with Hagar and their son Ishmael became the father of the Arabs who have fought with the Jews for centuries up to this very day. Incredible! We could call this the second greatest mistake ever made! Adam's and Eve's mistake of choosing independence from God plunged the whole human race into darkness. Abram's and Sarai's choice of independence from God caused a sibling conflict (Ishmael and Isaac) that has brought misery and heartache upon mankind for centuries! It will lead to the final battle at Armageddon and the return of Christ! Living life apart from God can lead to serious consequences!

Fourth, it produces a bad testimony that does more harm than good. Abram's witness to the Egyptians was greatly compromised by his choices. The same thing happens with us. As someone once said, "the greatest evidence against Christianity is Christians." It's true! Double-minded Christians living a life not in step with the spirit but by the flesh do great harm to the testimony of the gospel.

In the end, Abram is forced to leave Egypt and returns to Canaan where he repents and follows God once more. Chapter 12 and 13 of Genesis represent two ways of living. Chapter 12 tells the story of Abrams's doubt in God and choosing to live by our own plans. Chapter 13 shows Abram once more living by faith and the blessings that come. The consequences of ch. 12 do not leave him, but his repentance allows for his life to be guided by God once more. May we learn from Abraham's life how to walk with God and the from the consequences when we don't.

The Need for an Intervention

Are you familiar with an alcoholic intervention? An intervention is typically initiated by a family member of the alcoholic, most often the spouse, to confront the alcoholic about the truth of their drinking and the need for help. When the spouse approaches the alcoholic’s family for support in the intervention, they are often met with resistance because the whole family system is dysfunctional and blind to the truth of the problem. It takes a great deal of courage for the spouse to push forward, knowing that they will suffer in their efforts to break the dysfunctional pattern and set their loved one free from the bondage of substance use. It is often not till much later that their efforts are appreciated.

To set someone free, you must be willing to suffer. The individual will fight you in order to hold on to their “truth” and will despise you for confronting them. They will call you judgmental, intolerant, and narrow minded. This is why in an intervention many people are utilized to confront the individual. A chorus of truth is harder to argue with than a solo performer.

Let’s now transition to the work of Christ. Is it any wonder why Jesus was despised? He challenged the unhealthy, dysfunctional Hebrew family system and suffered for doing so, just like a spouse of an alcoholic. He was trying to set people free from the bondage of sin, but the family members, the Pharisees and other Jewish leaders, despised him and denied they had any problems, just like an alcoholic does. No wonder he tells us to be prepared to suffer for speaking the truth. We are challenging dysfunction in the same way he did, or a spouse does during an intervention. All truth bearers must initially pay a price for speaking the truth, challenging the dysfunction. This is our calling, to be truth bearers. Is the church teaching us this in this modern era? Typically not. The church grows weaker in standing up for the truth, choosing to be overly tolerant and politically correct. Yes, we need to confront with grace and truth, but these days we've dropped the truth and only offer grace. And so, people live on in dysfunction because no one is willing to perform an intervention.

The bottom line? Christians are failing to love in order to be politically correct or avoid conflict. We have become soft and self-protective. We are failing to care for our brothers and sisters. We are sitting around watching them die, just like a family member watches an alcoholic loved one die from their unchallenged dysfunctional behaviors. No wonder the Bible says we will cry in heaven when we realize how little we did for others. Keith Green’s “Asleep in the Light” is a great song to go with this post. Don’t worry, I’m just as convicted as you.

Go Ground Yourself

God has given us 5 wonderful gifts to use when we are stressed, grieving, and feeling disconnected from ourselves and others. Everyone has them. Do you know what they are? Your 5 senses! Seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, and smelling! By concentrating on these 5 senses, you ground yourself to God, nature, this world, and life. When people are stressed they live in their heads. Their thoughts are racing and they are picturing everything in their mind. They are not in this world! They’re “gone!” By grounding yourself, you get out of your head and back into life. It calms your mind, soothes your emotions, and relaxes your body.
Need to ground yourself? Go for a walk in nature and feel the sun on your skin, hear the birds singing, smell the trees and flowers, feeling and hear the dirt below your feet. Take off your shoes and walk in the grass. Why to people love the beach, the mountains, a garden, or a hot bath with candles burning? They are places where people ground themselves. We need to ground ourselves regularly! When I work with anxious kids, I pull out the sandbox in my office, instruct the kids to take off their socks and shoes, and put their hands and feet in the sand. Most kids just climb in the box… and love it! You can just see their anxieties melt away.Throughout your day, ground yourself. Smell and taste the food you eat. Notice the change in seasons, the colors of the trees. Feel the sun on your face, the rain on your hands, the sounds of life around you. Whatever grounds you, do it regularly and give thanks to God for giving you such wonderful gifts.

The Shack

So, have you read The Shack by William P. Young? It is a powerful book that is flying off the selves and creating a lot of discussion. I'd love to get some dialog going about this book here. What do you think of it? How has it affected you? Do you have any theological issues with it? Let me know your thoughts and lets get some lively discussion going...
At first, I was like, "What?..." but then I saw where it was going and enjoyed it. I plan to review it to consider it more deeply.
There are a few things I have concerns with-
First, there's no discussion about Satan and hell and very little about evil. Satan is a major player in reality, yet he is only mentioned indirectly through evil. With the powerful subject of evil discussed in this book, I thought a discussion about Satan and his role in our lives was critically needed but not covered.
In the field of mental health counseling, there is a belief that people want to find someone to be the perfect, ideal mother or father... that they are looking for that to heal their wounds and they want someone to play that role. It is easy to make God into that... to make him the all loving, accepting being who never disciplines us. I see this going on in this book and I think it is something to be careful of. God is more than just an ideal parent, he disciplines us and their our consequences to our choices.
Lastly, The theological foundations of this book are quesitonable and should not be considered truth on the same level as the Bible. It's fiction, and that needs to be remembered. When people encountered God the Father in the Bible, they fell down as if dead, overwhelmed by his holiness and presence. They didn't hang out in the kitchen eating soul food! It's concerning that many people will read this and think it's the truth about God, when it's really a picture of the loving aspects of God and how he desires a relationship with us. Hopefully, it will draw you closer to God and encourage you to read the Word to learn more.
I found a site that gives some further background on Mr. Young if you're interested. http://www.ambassadorspeakers.com/ACP/speakers.aspx?name=WILLIAM%20PAUL%20YOUNG&speaker=1236

For a critical review of the book from a conservative apologetics teacher, see http://www.normangeisler.net/theshack.html.

Pornography: Use, Acceptance, and Affects on Relationships

What are the facts concerning pornography? How is a generation raised on the internet affected by it and how is the viewing of it changing their views of sex and marriage?
Sex is the most frequently searched topic on the Internet, with pornographic search-engine requests totaling approx. 68 million PER DAY (25% of all search engine requests). The industry of pornography rakes in $100 billion worldwide per/year, with over 13 billion in revenue from the USA. Technology advances since 1995 have created the “triple-A-engine” that fuels pornographic consumption: Accessibility of sites 24/7, Affordability- with many images and videos free to view and cheap pay-for-viewing site due to competition, and Anonymity of use. Until recently, research has primarily been limited to studying the affects of pornography in relationship to addiction, deviant behaviors (i.e. serial killers, child molesters, etc.), and criminal behavior. Now there are a few studies indicating usage and affects on moral, ethical, and value development. Pornography viewing is highest among 18-24 year olds (is that because of sexual exploration and development or because we have only been able to readily access it since 1995 and long-term use rates are unknown? No one knows yet.) with men viewing it more than women. Three studies that surveyed college students indicated 56% - 87% of men viewed it, whereas 24%- 49% of women viewed it, depending on the study’s findings. Eleven percent in one study view it once a week or more, another study showed that 1 in 5 male viewers view it daily or every other day. One study of young people (18-22 years old) found that 83% of men and 55% of women acted out to in self-pleasuring ways… saying it discreetly. Thirty-five percent of users view it while alone, 18% with an off-line partner, and 15% in a group context (I’m not sure what that means… one only knows). Recent studies of younger adults indicate that women are viewing it far more than in the past. Pornography use is considered just as normal now on college campuses as drinking. And as many college-age men binge drink, research is showing that they also “binge” on pornography- with binging patterns very similar for both items.
Women are becoming more accepting of it though many still do not view it as regularly as men. This change among women is one that has researchers concerned. Acceptance and use by women historically were much lower. This shift indicates of change in use as well as a change in values regarding its use. They are far more tolerant of it now than in the past and that is not a good statistic for women because acceptance of pornography (not just use) is correlated with permissive sexual behavior, alcohol use, binge drinking, and cigarette smoking. For men, use has been correlated with permissive premarital sexual behavior, permissive sexual behavior within marriage (having a mistress and “swinging”) and long-term addiction problems. Sexual addiction counselors are overloaded with work; it is the most needed specialty in the field! More women than ever are also needing recovery programs. Men’s use or acceptance of it is correlated with permissive sexual behavior and nonmarital cohabitation, two factors that have been linked to less marital stability and satisfaction in future marriages.
Though these finding are shocking and sad, it is not a surprise. Not only have we in the field of mental health seen it coming, the Bible predicted it. In Romans 1:18-2:7 (cf- James 1:13-15), it states that when an individual or culture turns away from God, the first place he/she, and the culture as whole turns to, is sexual immorality. “God gave them over…” said three times in this passage as a warning of His wrath, is what God does when mankind seeks to go it alone and not rely upon God. Personally, I think this is one of the scariest passages in the Bible because we all are tempted and can easily be enticed away from God and because He honors our ability to choose, he will give us over if that is what we demand.
No wonder we are commanded to be on guard (Proverbs 4:23; I Cor. 6:12-20; 1Peter 2:11, 5:8-9)!
If you are struggling with this, you obviously are not alone. Stop if you can, and if you are in over your head, get help! Having a long-term with pornography is a horrible struggle. There is freedom but you must first admit the struggle and seek help!
Parents, protect your children! I’m shocked at how many parents say, “my child would never do that” only to find out their child has been viewing for years! You have the responsibility to protect your children! Do it! I had a teen once tell me, “my mom told me I should just have “friends with benefits” because having a girlfriend is too big of a pain.” Unbelievable! Teens who view porn often are substantially more at risk of long-term problems because of brain develop than a 26 year-old who begins a similar viewing pattern. Protect your kids! Protect yourself!

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition

when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go

on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is

meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

C.S. Lewis
(Reference: Generation XXX by Carroll, Padilla-Walker, Nelson, & Olson, Journal of Adolescent Research 23(1), pp. 6-28)

Judge not lest you be judged (Matt. 7:1)

Matthew 7 is such a great passage. It really gets at how we relate to others and how we view ourselves. If you haven't read it for awhile, pick up your Bible and read the first 10 verses or so.

You can really evaluate the health of a church or inidividual by how well they handle the mavericks... you know, those people who walk to the beat of a different drummer, push the envelope of tradition for tradition sake. How well does a person or group respond when they feel threatened, pushed, challenged? It is precisely in these moments that person may turn to judgement, condemnation, and standard setting in order to reduce uncomfortable feelings and the threat of being challenged.

It is Biblical to evaluate another for the purpose of offering loving correction and restoration (I Cor. 5:12; Gal. 6:1; Matt. 18:15). So when does evaluation become judgement? Let me suggest three hallmarks of judgement. First, a person will place himself or herself above another. This is done in many subtle ways, through education, years in ministry, age and maturity, socioeconomic status, denominational tag, the leader one follows (Paul warned against this one... I am of Apollos, I am of Cephas (I Cor. 1:12). A modern day example of this would be- I am of this pastor, I am of that church or seminary, I am of this theological belief... the only correct theological belief, etc.). Plain and simply, it is pure self-righteousness. It is playing god, and it is sinful because if fails to recognize Christ's work on the cross and the work of grace and forgiveness. Healthy evaluation starts with identifying oneself as a fellow struggler of the faith and humbling oneself knowing that "all fall short of the glory of God" (Rom. 3:23) and all can be tempted.

Second, jugement involves condemnation and this is easily spotted by the haughty, self-righteous attitude in which the judgement is delivered. Mind you, a person may say nothing at all, but their non-verbals and silent distancing give them away. They are not motivated by love but by self-protection (coming from fear) and self-righteousness (coming from anger and pride). The attitude is, "I'm right, your wrong, and therefore I don't have to relate to you any longer." That view is entirely unbiblical! What happened to love your enemies, gently try to restore a brother, and the spiritual fruit of patience? Another way you know it's condemnation is how the reciever feels after the interaction. Do they feel condemned, shamed, and under the wrath of the law, or corrected from a motivation of love and the hope of restoration (Rom. 8:1)?

Third, judgement involves the setting of standards. The Pharisees were masters at this! They added over 600 more "standards of righteousness" to the 10 commandments given by God to Moses! Wow! When you want to show yourself better than someone, just throw the book at them. Use the Bible as a weapon to beat someone up. You'll feel very self-righteous and will be so filled with pride, you won't even know your sinning! How many have been turned away from the Gospel due to judgements cast upon them for not meeting some standard. No wonder they think Christians are hypocrites and can't wait to parade a Christian across the media when one fails to meet his or her own standards. Paul said living by the law doesn't work (Rom. 3), yet so many Christians still try to, and use the law against other believers. Michael W. Smith has a great song re: the pain of seeing Christian do this. It is called "Human Spark" from his Healing Rain album. Download it and give it a listen.

Three elements of helpful evaluation are humility, forgiveness, and correction from a heart of love. None entail playing god, but showing God's love to another. Judgement causes a person hide their experience and the truth of what is really going on. Judgement causes distance in relationships. When we judge one another, we miss knowing the other. Evaluation allows for deep, truthful conversation. It encourages walking together in relationship, and being wise to how one may be led into sin by another (Gal. 6:1).

"I... entreat you to walk in a manner worthly of the calling... with all humility

and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love."

Ephesians 4:1-2

One More Thought on Perspective

While I’m on the subject of perspective, I thought I’d post this that I recently received in an email. It is supposedly written by Andy Rooney of 60 minutes. As he states, one can learn much by listening to an elderly person. Enjoy…
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough , but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Blessings.

Paradigm & Perspective, part 2

Please read “Paradigms and Perspectives part 1” before reading this post.
Why are so many people turned off by Christianity, yet when the author of Christianity walked this earth, the majority of the people loved him and saw him as the way, the truth, and the life? The difference is in perspective, Jesus did not judge a person on the spot (condemn, correct, etc.) unless they were trying to lead people astray. He saw them as lost and needing a shepherd. Many Christians feel it is their duty to judge people and point out their folly on the spot, or treat them in such a way that their judgment is obvious. Their perspective sees themselves, their beliefs, and their behaviors, as “better than” than other person and they treat them accordingly. Say what you want, but that is the truth. A person will hold a more righteous perspective so that they really don’t have to love that person the way Christ demands. Which is more sinful, more hypocritical?! (Matthew 7). I learned what I believe the Lord requires through an extreme example.
When I wore a younger man’s clothes, I served as a chaplain at a Juvenile Jail in Dallas, TX. If these young men were going to see the love of Christ, a judging perspective wasn’t going to work. These kids were very street smart and could spot of fake a mile away. Either I was going to love them from my heart or it was going to be obvious that I was judging them. One day I read in the newspaper how a 16 year-old boy murdered his girlfriend. I knew I would see him the next day. I thought this guy must be a monster… he probably won’t want to see me anyway… he’s probably a beast! Now I had worked with murderers before, but the nature of this crime made me think this guy was somehow worse then the others. The Lord kept working to soften my heart through a song by Susan Ashton called, “Angels of Mercy” which spoke of offering mercy in the midst of an offense. The Lord wanted me to approach this boy as he would, not as I may have. The day came. Briefly stated, the boy was very innocent looking and knew he had made a terrible mistake in a fit of rage. He cried and cried… and wondered what God would do with him. I told of Christ work on the cross and his offer of forgiveness… even to a person who commits murder. He reconciled with God, we prayed, and we hugged before I sent him back to his cell. I must say, having his hands around me, knowing what those hands had done just a day prior, was a strange thing.
Now here’s what I learned through that experience… my paradigm can stay the same even as my perspective changes. I never forfeited my beliefs that this young man should be punished… probably life in prison, and if the death penalty is the verdict, so be it. His crime must be punished (Rom. 13); however, there is an earthly judge who has the responsibility of carrying that out and I’m not that person. I was called to love him and to tell that him of God’s plan of forgiveness. Now, this an example of when I got it right, but many, many times I’ve failed to respond in a Christ like manner.
How do you respond to a person clearly living an ungodly life? How do you respond when it is revealed that a friend has been struggling with pornography, or has been having an affair? How do you respond when your child disobeys, is been caught using drugs, or having premarital sex? How do you respond when a friend chooses to worship in a more contemporary manner or holds to a different end-times view than you? Your ability to be flexible in your perspective while you hold firm to your paradigm not only reveals your Christ-like character, or lack of, but it also reveals your mental health. Rigidity is a sign of poor mental health. Once again, Christ is a great example of this. His ability to respond in a flexible, unpredictable manner is amazing! May the Spirit lead you in your processing of these two posts.

Paradigm & Perspective, part 1

How do you see the world, the macro and micro events in your life? How do you interpret them? How to you respond to them? A perspective, according to Webster, is, “a specific point of view in understanding or judging things or events.” A paradigm is a shared set of concept or beliefs within a community. Our paradigm of the world colors and shapes our perspective of things. The beliefs you hold, coming from your background and instruction… moral, religious, & values instruction… color your perspective- the way you interpret and judge the interactions and events in your life. Now I could launch into a discussion about need for paradigms to be based upon truth, however I don’t have the space for such a lengthy discussion. Let’s just make that a given- that a paradigm based on truth and absolutes is better than one that is relativistic and full of inconsistencies. Here’s the point I want to make- a person should hold strongly to their paradigm and remain flexible in their perspective.
I often say in counseling sessions, “You can either change the environment to fit your paradigm, or change your perspective to fit the environment.” Healthy individuals change their perspectives to help them understand and cope with the different environments, events, and circumstances they face. Unhealthy persons demand that the environment change to fit into their paradigms, the way they think life should be lived. They tend to overly focus upon the right and wrong of things and get stuck when it “is all wrong.” They struggle to adjust and usually force others to adjust to fit what they think is right. A good example of the different ways of living is that of Jesus versus the Pharisees.
Both parties had strong paradigms and lived their lives based upon those paradigms (of course the Pharisees’ paradigm was so rigid and impossible to live by, that they themselves failed to follow it and thus Jesus called them hypocrites. Jesus lived out his… in fact, he was his!). The difference is that the Pharisees judged and condemned others for not following their way, whereas Jesus’ perspective allowed him to adapt his response for the environment as needed. For some, like the Pharisees who pushed their faulty paradigm upon others, he was firm and aggressive in his response (Luke 6: 1-11; 14: 1-14). For others, like adulterers and others lost in sin, he was kind, gracious, forgiving, and inviting (John 4). His paradigm never changed, but his perspective did. He changed his perspective to fit the environment whereas the Pharisees tried to change their environment to fit their paradigm. This makes all the difference in the world! See the next post for some examples.

Life & Death

Often I'm asked, "How do you listen to people's problems all day?" That question is fairly easy to answer. Yes, I do have to hear people's problems, but I also get to see them get better and improve their lives, their relationships, etc. Seeing people grow and heal is a very fulfilling thing.
Then, there are those cases where the person really does not improve... and sometimes, the person commits suicide or dies from an drug overdose. In most cases, the person is no longer under my care when it happens. I find out of a person's passing from a family member or through the grapevine . When I get the news, it always stops me in my tracks and causes me to go through several days of feeling melancholy.
Everyone in relationship feels a deep sadness over the loss, but I think a therapist feels it in a unique way, knowing that the individual came to them seeking help, and somehow, what was said and done by the therapist, was not... in some way... enough to stop the slide to destruction. Now, I know my powers are limited and that I'm not a savior... I don't have a messiah complex. But nevertheless, I had a chance to help them and for whatever reason, it did not save the person's life. I'm sure a surgeon feels the same way. He or she knows their powers are limited, but it sure is awful when a person dies on the table. I lost one recently, and it feels awful.
Though I feel melancholy, I also feel something more strongly... a deep appreciation of life. I find myself paying attention to the small things in life, the warmth of the sun, the laugh of a child, and the hug from a loved one. As Chris Rice sings, "Life is precious, life is sweet..." and again, "Teach us to count the days, teach us to make the days count, lead us in better ways, somehow our soul has forgot, life means so much..."
If you're living life on the edge, too close to death, I pray you will realize how precious this life is and do whatever you need to do to stop your destructive behaviors. If you're fine overall, remember to make the days count. You never know when the hourglass sand will run dry.

Just some thoughts from a therapist...

Authentic Living in Community

I thought a friend of mine's post on living in community was really good... so here it is for you to read:
"So, I have to say that I have always said that I want to be in community. I want the love, the growth, the depth, and the authentic relationships that come with this type of Life-doing. I would also say that I have truly opened myself up to this type of community with my closest friends, but something happened tonight that I have to say stopped me in my tracks. I was pushed. My thoughts were challenged. I was pressed to be real and honest and it was....uncomfortable, hard, and maybe even frustrating. I struggled and groaned at the thought of how to answer, much less give the answer that I knew was right. I was trying to ask for the check so to speak....OK I know that we are friends, but there are certain things that you just don't press on...What you are asking me is hard and I am not sure what to say. Now, most friends would have left the awkwardness, the uncomfortable situation and just turned the other way...but not these friends, and guess why. They truly care for me and we exist together in true community. I experienced tonight true friendship where I was challenged in love without judgment. I am sure that this is what Christ meant when He said, As iron sharpens iron... I felt sharpened tonight and not to say that it felt good and comfortable the whole time. But, I am growing because of it. Thank you my friends, I love that we are in community together and pray that the Lord keeps us on the same journey for long time."
By Wini Erb
Are you living in community where you can be "pushed?"

A Tale to be Told

I wonder what sort of tale we've fallen into?
Sam, The Fellowship of the Ring


"I wonder," replied Frodo. "And that's the way of a real tale. Take any one you're fond of. You may know, or guess, what kind of a tale it is, happy-ending or sad-ending, but the people in it don't know. Folk seem to have been just landed in them..." (LOL)

What's the nature of your tale? Do you ever stop and examine it? What is God up to in your story? What is he trying to tell you about yourself, about Him? What is trying to tell the world through you? It's something worth pondering... in fact one author has devoted a whole book to it if you won't to explore it more deeply- Dan Allender's "To be Told."

As a therapist, I'm constantly listening to people's stories, looking for clues that help me (and them) better understand their stories. I listen for things... clues, such as:
People- who were/are the people in their lives and what impact did they have on them for better or worse?
Setting- where did they journey in their lives? How did that impact them?
Adversity and Tradegy- All the stories that matter have adversities and tradegies in them. What has this person been through and how has it affected them?
Vows and Themes- As a result of the adversities and tradegies a person has gone through, how have they coped? What courses of action have they commited to? What are the recurrent themes in their live that get played out again and again until they see them and change them?

As you consider these things, what do you find? The deep consideration is worth it! It's too easy to settle for comfort... our culture thrives on it... most prefer to live in denial for years than face the mysteries, pain, and uncertainties of their life. It's such a waste to live that way... and usually causes other people pain. You may have wounds in your life due to others in your story never examining their lives!

"We are wired to grow, and all growth stretches us beyond our comfort level. Comfort is the absence of tension; growth requries a swim in murky, dangerous waters" "A good but unexamined life will be high on duty and not likely to celebrate the odd paradoxes, the ironic coincidences, and the humor of being dirt. Remember we are clay. Adam wasn't named Red by accident." (Allender).

Examining my own life has been the most freedom producing thing in my life! Nothing is more fulfilling then helping another person find freedom in theirs! Do the work, fight for freedom (LOR), discover the tale that you are in and what God is doing in and through you.

"I have come to heal the broken-hearted and set the captive free."
Jesus

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand!

Never againlet anyone put a harnss of slavery on you."
Galatians 5:1- The Message