The Benefits of Texting & Facebook for Teens, And Reasons Why Parents Should Allow It Within Limits.

Recent research findings indicate that modern-day modes of communication can greatly benefit teens, especially anxious teens and boys. Teens in general, and anxious teens in particular, greatly fear humiliation and rejection. Developing new friendships, and deepening existing friendships, can be quite difficult for them. Using texting, instant messaging, and Facebook can help the them by providing some space and protection from potential, immediate negative feedback which would cause the teen to shutdown and withdraw. These modalities allow them to take greater risks of healthy self-disclosure that can enhance friendship development and ultimately increase self-confidence and well-being. This is proven in the research. Social networks, like Facebook, break down barriers to communication, such as cliques, popularity, socio-economics, and physical separation. Kids who normally wouldn't speak to each other at school are now able to connect and built friendships. There is a greater community being experienced online than at school.


Eight-years ago only 11% of a teen's friends were online. Now, only about 11% are NOT online. Teens online now communicate almost exclusively with their friends. In the past, they mainly communicated with strangers in chat rooms. In today's culture, if your teen does not have access to texting or Facebook, they could be completely left out of their community network. In my practice, I have seen teen's mentally health improve by utilizing these means of communication. They have more friends, closer friends, and feel better about themselves. It contradicts what we first thought would happen years ago, that kids would become even more socially isolated, but it's true. They still need face-to-face interaction, but the use of these technologies can make that connection less difficult to initiate and maintain.

Many parents, especially anxious parents, fear the new means of communication- cell phones, texting, instant messaging, Facebook and Myspace, but things have changed for the better over the last decade. Security applications and parental controls for Facebook and cell phones have greatly improved. Parents can now monitor and limit the amount of usage for cell phones, texting, and social networking activities. Facebook settings allow for your child's profile information to only be seen by friends. Nothing's perfect of course, but multiple research studies indicate that these communication formats are much safer and that there are benefits for the teen being plugged in.

Some further suggestions for parents who decide to let their teens use these technologies:

**Join the revolution and stop criticizing these new forms of communication (it only makes you look old). These things are here to stay. Get a phone that allows you to text. Get a Facebook account and become your child's friend. Knowledge always breaks down fear. Interact with these technologies to gain a better understanding of your child's world.

**Protect your teen from pornography, especially if you have a son. The percentage of male teens who view pornography on a regular basis has skyrocketed over the last decade. Never before in the history of mankind has the accessibility of porn been so easy for young men to obtain. Don't assume your child would never view it. I can't tell you how many times I've worked with parents shocked by their son's porn use, often for years. Regardless of your personal views regarding pornography, research overwhelming indicates that the viewing of porn by young men is significantly harmful. Get protection for your home computers, and your child's smart phone, PSP, or iTouch. Yes, these devises can access the internet and therefore porn. Since the iTouch came out and replaced the more common iPod, many young men view porn on it. Apple has software that will block it, but you must install it. Protect your child's future from sexual addiction and problems with intimacy by protecting them now!

** Limit texting to 120 texts per day, and social networking to less than 3-hours per day. Research indicates that surpassing these levels of use greatly increases the chance of being involved with more negative things like smoking, drug & alcohol use, fighting, and promiscuous sexual behavior. The use of these communication technologies follows the law of diminishing returns, which states that something is beneficial up to a point of use. Then, with every increment of greater use, it becomes more harmful. Think of Aspirin- very helpful up to a point, then harmful and even lethal. I recommend to my clients allowing their teen to have a half-hour of free time when they get home from school to text, facebook, or play a video game. Then ALL technologies should be off when they do homework, except maybe some music in the background. Then once they are done, they can resume activities. Use of these things should be less during the school week than the weekend. I'd suggest a maximum of 2-hours of all media during the week and 4-5 hours on weekend days. Texting can be for a little longer as long as it does not exceed the limit stated above.

Teach your child to compartmentalize and balance these wonderful new inventions, whether it be communication technologies or video games. They need to learn how to use them, and when to turn them off so that they don't distract them or rob them of more relationship enhancing activities. The world is an ever changing place and we must change with it so that we can properly guide our young people to maximize the new technologies and minimize their risks.

Christopher McCarthy, MEd, LPC (www.myanxiouschild.com)

References: 1.) "Social Consequences of the Internet for Adolescents: A decade of research. Patti Valkenburg & Jochen Peter. Published by Association of Psychological Sciences, 18 (1), 2010. 2.) Hyper-texting and Hyper-Networking pose new health risks for teens. Scott Frank. APHA annual meeting, 2010.

Are Teens Buying Into a Fake Christianity?

This article reminds of a book for teens called, "Do Hard Things, which challenges teens to rise above the cultural definitions of what normal adolescence is suppose to be.

Read the article about teens and faith here :Almost Christian

Turnaround: Turning Fear Into Freedom wins award!

The child anxiety product I co-created, Turnaround, was awarded the "Parent Tested, Parent Approved" (PTPA) seal of excellence! Turnaround was reviewed by an independent panel of parents and found to be "exceptional in value, functionality, quality, and appeal." Follow the link to read more.

http://www.ptpamedia.com/winning_products.php

New Website

The new website for Turnaround: Turning Fear Into Freedom is up. Turnaround is a audio program I created with my partner David Russ for the treatment of child anxiety. Check it out!

http://www.myanxiouschild.com/

Love expressed through PURSUIT

I am convinced that one of the greatest wounds many of us experience in childhood and throughout life comes from the lack of pursuit. We know we are loved when we are pursued. A child knows they are loved when they have a parent pursue them, when a parent stops and asks them how they are doing, ask them what they need, inquire about their friends, etc. A spouse knows they are loved when their spouse sits and talks with them, cooks them their favorite meal, gives them a card for no special reason other than to say "thanks" or "I love you."

Last month I was at a church function and talked to a few guys that I did not know or only met maybe once before. As a counselor, I easily ask questions of others and inquire about their lives. What often amazes me is how poor men are at pursuing another person, except for some selfish gain. I talked with one guy for at least 40 minutes, asking about his job, his family, etc. Not once did he ask me any questions about my life. I left that conversation feeling un-pursued and uncared for. I later learned from my wife that that man's marriage is in major trouble. Is it any wonder! I then sat next to another man. As a golf pro, he had a very interesting life and could have gone on and on about his experiences, but he didn't. He pursued me with a passion that was impressive. His questions showed a genuine interest in me and my pursuits. I left that conversation feeling energized, happy, and wanting more. I felt pursued.

The Bible spends a great deal of time stressing how it is God that pursues us and not the other way around. He knows our heart's desire to be pursued and he goes after it. Take for example the three parables that begin in Luke 15, the parable of the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the lost son. All clearly show that God is a God that will do whatever it takes in pursuing the lost soul in order for them to experience the joy of the Father's love. God finds us and heals us through pursuit.

What's your story? Do you have wounds from your childhood due to not being pursued? How good are you at pursuing others? Do you walk closely with God in order to feels his love? Meditate and pray over this theme of pursuit. Allow the Lord to heal your heart in this area, to open your eyes to His pursuant love, and to learn how to love others better through the means of pursuit.

What side of the line does your child fall?

Sitting at his son’s all-star hockey game one winter’s morning, a father noticed a curious trend on the team’s roster. The majority of the kids had birthdays in the first three months of the year. This prompted him to investigate further and he found that the vast majority of professional Canadian hockey players had birthdays in the first quarter of the year. Does it have something to do with an astrological sign, that those born under that sign are just better athletes? No! The trend is the same in many other sports and academic arenas. What causes this? The cut-off date of when a child can enter a program! In Canada, the cut-off date is Jan. 1st. So if your child has a birthday in January, he is one of the oldest children on the team and his maturity, even by six-months, makes him stand out and be picked for advanced teams. Because he was picked for the advanced team, he will receive better coaching and continue to advance ahead of his peers, and this advantage continues to widen year after year. It is called accumulative advantage and it can have a HUGE impact on the child’s potential for future success.

On research study found that among fourth graders, the oldest children scored somewhere between four and twelve percentage points better than the youngest children. So, the oldest child may score in the eightieth percentile of a proficiency exam while the youngest scores in the sixty-eighth percentile, placing the older child in gifted classes year after year while the youngest child lags behind. Initially, this difference is primarily due to maturity differences, but year after year as the oldest child continues to receive better education and opportunities, the difference is based on many other factors. Another study found that the majority of teenagers who attempt suicide have birthdays on the latter side of the cut-off date! The years of discouragement from being “behind” their peers can cause serious consequences!

Therefore, it is imperative to pay attention to cut-off dates and make sure your child is one of the oldest kids in the class or on the team rather than the youngest. If you find your child is one of the youngest in his or her class, and they still are in primary school, it may be beneficial to hold that child back. I have a client who did this with their son when he was in sixth grade. They had to make a move to another city and had him repeat the grade so that he would get on the “right” side of the line. He is thriving now.

For further information, read chapter one in Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Outliers titled, “The Matthew Effect.” The book is an excellent read for parents of children of any age, but especially for those with young children.

Credit and Contempt

Studies in marital interaction have consistently shown that what a couple says to each other is not nearly as important as how they say it. Ninety-three percent of communication is non verbal- it’s the tone and the body language that matter. Body language refers to eye movement (rolling the eyes), facial expressions, shoulder position, hand movements, etc. So what are the two most powerful messages we send to our partner? Positively, it’s credit. Negatively, it’s contempt.

Credit and Contempt, that’s it. Master these two- giving credit and avoiding contempt- and you’ll have a happy marriage (and better parent/child, parent/teen relationships).

Credit has to do with giving credit to what a person is expressing, whether in normal, everyday conversation or in a heated discussion. It’s as simple as saying, “ok” or “I can see that.” It’s acknowledging their viewpoint, respecting that they have an opinion and a mind of their own. You don’t have to agree with everything they’re saying, or try to fix it, just acknowledge their point of view. Negative body language can send a strong message of discrediting a person, such as glaring at them, holding your hands on your hips, eye rolling, looking away, etc. Are you giving credit with your words, tone, and body language? If you’re not, your partner will build up resentment and either becomes angrier in their responses or more withdrawn as they grow depressed.

Contempt has to do with talking down to a person. That’s the key. Contempt is hierarchical; it’s putting the person below you. The effect is to make the person feel stupid or small, hated and not loved. “Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone from community” (John Gottman- marital researcher). This is shown in words but even more powerfully in tone and body language. A tone of disgust can make a person feel terrible and hated by you. Eye rolling, heavy sighs, looking down your nose at person are examples of showing contempt.

I have found that if couples, as well as parent and teens, really work hard on increasing credit and eliminating contempt, their relationships greatly improve. Most parties can solve their problem, that’s not the problem. The problem is how their trying to solve their problem. Pay attention to process over product, on how you’re talking more so than the result you are pushing for. You may win a battle but you’re loosing the war!

Thinking Positive Thoughts About Your Anxious Child: Avoiding Four Common Negative Beliefs.

Parenting an anxious child can be mentally taxing and it's easy to become a sour grapefruit in their presence. Family members can develop a bitter mood as the child whines and complains. Anxious complaints can restrict a parent's movement, demand a great deal of time, and can suck the life right out of the caregiver. No parent chooses to be negative, it just happens as a consequence of the anxious disorder. When I see this taking place in the families I counsel, I review the four toxic parenting beliefs associated with anxious kids. Four strategies are then offered to cleanse the mental wasteland and contaminated relationships, restoring the home to healthy, happy place to inhabit.

Vicky Flory defines four common beliefs mistakenly held by parents of anxious children, namely seeing the child as hostile, unreasonable, exaggerated with their emotions, and the child not being emotionally dependent upon the parent. Accommodating one or more of these beliefs collapses the emotional bridge between parent and child, leaving the child stranded on an island of anxious fear. The repetitive thought of seeing the child as hostile interferes with parental support because the parent views the child as mean and their intentions motivated by malice. The parent overly focuses on the child’s negative behaviors and misses the distressed emotions fueling them. Reckoning the child as unreasonable, the parent sees the child as beyond help and unable to respond/learn in a normal manner. They increasingly grow ambivalent toward the child, focusing solo on controlling the child's behavior through angry verbal and non-verbal responses. The child views himself or herself more negatively and anxious thoughts and behaviors worsen. Believing the child’s demonstrated emotions are not genuine leads to mistaken assumptions. The parent becomes mistakenly convinced their child is manipulative, dramatic, and cunning. Verbal and non-verbal suggestions of anxious distress are misconstrued by the parent, leading to anger, harsh punishments, and withdrawal. The fourth hindering belief that the child is not emotionally dependent upon the parent is inaccurate because the child is solely dependent upon the parent. The child is limited in his or her ability to garner support from adults. Though their attempts may be clumsy, and demonstrated affection and appreciation sparse, the parent is the child's best chance at getting his or her emotional needs met. The dilemma for parents is balancing the natural desire for affirmation and affection from their child with the young anxious sufferers inability to express such positive and soothing emotions. The child's handicap leaves the parent's love tank empty, cripples their expressions of support, and leads to parental withdrawal. Summarizing, four common mistaken parental beliefs can weaken the parent-child bond and worsen a child's anxiety. Maintaining an active awareness of these mental parasites can trap them as they arise and foster for the implementation of healthier responses.

Four mental paradigms and techniques can be implemented to heal the relationship and cultivate support. First, recognize that many of your child's negative behavioral patterns are rooted in feeling anxious and depressed. The negative expressions are consistent with symptoms of child anxiety and depression. Developing empathy for the sufferer is one of the most effective ways to change your interactive patterns with that person. Sit down with your child and ask them what it feels like when they feel afraid. Patiently encourage them to speak about their inner feelings and what types of things make them upset. You may have to do this a few times for trust to build. Apologize for your past offenses, reaffirm your unconditional love and support, and commit to do better.

Second, work through books and programs designed to treat child anxiety. This can be a great way to gain empathy for your child and show support. An excellent resource is the audio program Turnaround: Turning Fear Into Freedom which invites your child on a ten day camping adventure with six other children who struggles with various types of fears. Unlike any other program available, Turnaround has children lead the lessons while adults take a secondary role. Created by two clinically experienced therapists, the program is professional and based upon the proven treatment methods of cognitive-behavioral therapy and yet, manages to be highly entertaining kid friendly. Parents report it facilitates healthy dialog with their child by giving them a shared language to pull from. For further information, visit www.myanxiouschild.com.

Third, offer your child a fresh start, a new day each and every day. Deal with each day's issue as a separate incident from the past. Cease vexing expressions, repeatedly bringing up the past and stating that nothing ever changes. Vexing comes from the parent feeling despondent and grasping for anything that might change the child's behavior, even if it's negative and shaming. Mentally prepare yourself each morning to respond patiently and with support. Exercise, diet, stretching, and any other expressions of self-care has been shown to greatly help. As a sage once said, "You cannot impart what you do not possess." Do whatever works best for you to fill your love reservoirs so that it can overflow and nourish your anxious child.

Finally, watch your assumptions and slow down your responses. Focus more on their heart, their emotions, rather than just their behavior. Pay attention to their facial expressions. If they look angry and frustrated, chances are they really feel more fearful or depressed. Address their hurt. Give them hope. Give them a vision of what they'll life will be someday when they are free from their fears. A child who can see a future free from fear, and deeply believes they can achieve it through continuous effort, can move towards it. The fact that his or her parent can see it too makes it all the more believable.
Christopher T. McCarthy, M.Ed., LPC. http://www.myanxiouschild.com/

Ref. Flory, V. (2004). A novel clinical intervention for severe childhood depression and anxiety.
Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry 9(1), 9-23.

A Quick Funny

You know you have to do more teaching on communion with your seven-year old child when they turn to you at the time of taking the wine and says, "Cheers mommy!"

Anguished Parents, Anxious Children

We live in exciting but perplexing times. Never before have we had so much. Never before have we been so concerned about loosing it. It’s not that we fear total poverty, as our grandparents did during the great depression. No, we fear not being able to provide enough. We fear not making enough money- enough money to live in a nice neighborhood, enough money to drive a nice car, enough money for childcare, elderly parent-care, and our own retirement, enough money for vacations and satellite TV.
We fear not being able to provide our children with enough opportunities for them to succeed. We fear that we’re not strick enough with our children, or the opposite, that we’re not easy going enough. We fear not having enough time to spend with our children, our spouses; fearing that we’re not getting enough done (whatever that may be); there just never is enough time in the day to accomplish what we need to.
Parents today are living in anguish from the stress of excess. The burden to keep up with the culture, to stay ahead of the curve, to maintain an expected lifestyle of abundance. Parents today live in anguish.
The effect on Men…
*Pressure to succeed, to be competent/marketable skills- an expendable resource.
*Competition abounds/ long hours/ Fear of downsizing.
*Stress related illnesses on sky-rocketing.
*Everyman struggle over one question- Do I have what it takes, Am I manly enough, as a provider, a lover, a father, a mate. At times we anguish over that question
The effect on Women…
*Pressure to be perfect… to be it all… pressure of being a stay at home mom vs. a career women, and the guilt associated with each choice.
* The trend over the past 6 years is for women to leave their families, including leaving the kids with the father.
*Pressure to raise outstanding, happy kids
*Every women struggles with the question, "Am I good enough," as a wife, a mom, a friend. *The struggle with feelings of unworthiness.
*Child’s success= Mother success.
In her prophetic 1981 book: "Children without Childhood”, Marie Winn powerfully develops the argument that civilization has recently shifted its fundamental attitude toward parenting the young. She writes, “The change has occurred so swiftly that most adults are hardly aware that a true conceptual and behavioral revolution is under way, one that has yet to be clearly defined and understood…. Once parents struggled to preserve children’s innocence, to keep childhood a carefree golden age, and to shelter children from life’s vicissitudes. The new era operates on the belief that children must be exposed early to adult experience in order to survive in an increasingly complex and uncontrollable world. The Age of Protection has ended. An Age of Preparation has set in."
The focus now: Exposure to as many opportunities as possible, Preparation- get your kids ready, best education possible, Networking with powerful people/powerful kids.
David Elkind in his book "The Hurried Child", writes that parents are now seeking “optimum child development”. Normal child development is no longer acceptable. He writes, “Because parents have bought into the idea that having it all is a worthwhile and necessary goal for themselves, tragically, they destroy childhood by pushing their young children to have it all as well. Adults squeeze all of life’s facets- marriage, career, working out, church, friendships, relaxing with TV, and parenting- into the day. If we see childhood as a time for special nurturing and explorations, we should be protecting our children from the encroachment of too many activities rather than dragging them along into our pursuit of them.”
Finally, let me wrap it up with this quote from Michael and Diane Medved’s book, “Saving Childhood: protecting our children from the national assault on innocence,” “Pushing children probably does give them an edge academically over their peers- at first. Extracurricular lessons effectively teach them all sorts of skills, from computer to karate. But when parents push, they also teach kids a more harmful message: to define success in terms of a good school, a prestigious job, and earning a lot of money, rather than in terms of spirituality or mastering virtues such as charity, honesty, or reliability. Parents would serve their children better if they emphasized happiness over achievement, and goodness over goodies.”

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world,

but be transformed, by the renewing of your mind.”

Romans 12:2

The Child Rat Race

Several years ago, an experiment was conducted at UCLA where mice were put on amphetamines to determine how much of the drug was needed to cause an OD and kill them. The results were amazing! They found it took 20 times more of the drug to kill a mouse by itself then to kill one in a group of mice high on the drug. Better still, mice who had no drugs in their system, placed in a group of mice that were high, died at the same rate as the ones using! What does this tell us? A fast-paced life can kill you!

Never before have we lived in such a fast-paced culture. Parents are crazy busy with their careers and the raising of children. Children are busy with the demands of college-prep schools and one activity after another. Studies show that: recess time at schools has dropped by 50%, the amount of time kids have to spend at a sibling's activity has increased 6-fold (from a half-hour a week to three-hours a week), that anxiety disorders for children has skyrocketed over the past 15 years due the demands on kids.

My wife and I recently considered transferring our son to a different school for his middle school years. The new school had longer class times (meaning more time sitting in a structured setting) and far fewer breaks. The kids had to sit at assigned tables in the cafeteria... never allowed to visit outside their 20-30 class members all year... and then the remaining time consisted of listening to a lecture on a value topic. Ten percent of the time they could sit and talk without structure... but they could not run around and play. Virtually no free time to chill out or burn off some energy! This factor... along with some others... was the reason why we chose to keep him at his present school. There, he gets a 10-minute short recess and nearly an hour lunch, where he can sit with whomever he chooses from whatever grade to eat and do whatever he wishes (play outside, sit and chat, etc) after that. Our children are growing up in pressure cookers of constriction and stress!

Dr. Wendy Mogul, author of the excellent book “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee” writes, “Unsure how to find grace and security in the complex world we’ve inherited, we try to fill up the spaces in our children’s lives with stuff: birthday entertainments, rooms full of toys and equipment, tutors and lessons. But material pleasures can’t buy peace of mind, and all the excess leads to more anxiety. An especially troubling aspect of modern child-rearing is the way parents fetishize their children’s achievements and feelings. We want the child to be successful and we want the child to be happy. The emphasis is on finding ways to keep the child’s self-regard in tact and mood elevated." She sums it up by saying, "I’ve come to believe that many of the problems in the children I've counseled arose from two sources: the heavy pressure in a competitive world and their unconscious recognition of how unnaturally important they were to their parents."

Some suggestions:

1.) One activity per child, per semester (some authors say per year!). If you have multiple children, you probably need to spread the activities over the year so that siblings are not having to sit at practices and games for extensive periods of time. A good day to examine is your Saturday. How many hours are you and your children at organized activities?

2.) Year after year, studies have consistently shown that the most important activity for good child health is the sharing of a family dinner on a consistent basis. It is amazing how benefitial this one shared activity is! It has been shown to improve academics, prevent alcohol and drug use, improve social competencies, improve physical health, and more. Three to four nights a week, dinner at home, with Dad! The benefits are worth it!

3.) Control media! Children should never have a TV or computer connected to the internet in their rooms, never. Parents should never have a TV in their rooms either (bad for the family and marriage.... plenty of studies show this... get it out!)! Children should have limits on media (TV, computer, cell-phones, game boys, etc.).

4.) Increase your family fun time together and be creative in play with kids.

5.) Allow your children to have imaginative play-time... time to play by themselves and learn to entertain themselves.

5.) Don't forget the chores. Many chores allow the child to daydream and reflect on life. Reflection is a thinking skill that is becoming lost in our culture, yet it's through reflection that individuals learn to problem solve and think more deeply.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
Proverbs 4:23

Father/Child Communication

In my readings, I came across a paragraph re: how a son responds to his father which I thought was very powerful. Let me quote it and then unpack it:
“… the boy’s anger cannot be of the quality that merely states something like, “You have hurt me, and I want to tell you how hurt, humiliated, and frightened that makes me.” Such a statement by the boy has to rest on a basic assumption of safety plus a belief that the other person will be there psychologically, will receive the message, and will respond in ongoing interaction. Instead, the boy has to feel something like, “I am angry at you and I must better you (be aggressive toward you), so that there is no risk that you can hurt me again.”

Many fathers pick at their children... either through demands or sarcasstic statements... causing the child to get angry. When the child shows his/her anger at the father, he becomes angry and then claims the father card... "watch your mouth, son" ... "that's disrespectful and I won't tolerate it"... "you just lost ___ for a week!" What a terrible spot for the child.... provoked to anger but unable to express anger! Talk about a mental bind! Instead of being able to calming state their pain to their father, they feel that option is not safe, so they express anger towards him, distance from him, hide from him, turn to others to talk to, and leave the father out. And fathers wonder why they are often on the out?! No wonder the Bible tells fathers to not exasperate their children.... it breaks down the bond of trust and vulnerability. This pattern causes significant issues for the child which he takes into adult relationships (joy!)

This quote convicted me in my relationship with my son. My dad did it to me, and like it or not, I find myself too easily doing it to my son. I'm determined to stop it! What is your relational style with your children? Many men do not emotionally connect well with others, including their children (sad, but no surprise). They may have lots of fun with their kids... be "Disneyland Dads"... but few children, if any, know their dad deeply, or are known by them deeply. Men fear emotional vulnerability and intimacy, and to find “life” through their careers, hobbies/sports, sexual conquests, and/or addictions of some sort. What a messed up gender (I'll pick on the other gender another day)!

Now more than ever, children need their fathers... not just his discipline and money, but his love, his attention, his patience, his care. It's easy to get angry... it makes men feel strong... but it's not the right audience to use our strength against. Fathers feel it's important to protect their children.... but why does that get thrown out the window when it comes to their mental and emotional well being? Strange, isn't it? It's not good and it needs to change.

Just the random thoughts of a therapist...