Credit and Contempt

Studies in marital interaction have consistently shown that what a couple says to each other is not nearly as important as how they say it. Ninety-three percent of communication is non verbal- it’s the tone and the body language that matter. Body language refers to eye movement (rolling the eyes), facial expressions, shoulder position, hand movements, etc. So what are the two most powerful messages we send to our partner? Positively, it’s credit. Negatively, it’s contempt.

Credit and Contempt, that’s it. Master these two- giving credit and avoiding contempt- and you’ll have a happy marriage (and better parent/child, parent/teen relationships).

Credit has to do with giving credit to what a person is expressing, whether in normal, everyday conversation or in a heated discussion. It’s as simple as saying, “ok” or “I can see that.” It’s acknowledging their viewpoint, respecting that they have an opinion and a mind of their own. You don’t have to agree with everything they’re saying, or try to fix it, just acknowledge their point of view. Negative body language can send a strong message of discrediting a person, such as glaring at them, holding your hands on your hips, eye rolling, looking away, etc. Are you giving credit with your words, tone, and body language? If you’re not, your partner will build up resentment and either becomes angrier in their responses or more withdrawn as they grow depressed.

Contempt has to do with talking down to a person. That’s the key. Contempt is hierarchical; it’s putting the person below you. The effect is to make the person feel stupid or small, hated and not loved. “Contempt is closely related to disgust, and what disgust and contempt are about is completely rejecting and excluding someone from community” (John Gottman- marital researcher). This is shown in words but even more powerfully in tone and body language. A tone of disgust can make a person feel terrible and hated by you. Eye rolling, heavy sighs, looking down your nose at person are examples of showing contempt.

I have found that if couples, as well as parent and teens, really work hard on increasing credit and eliminating contempt, their relationships greatly improve. Most parties can solve their problem, that’s not the problem. The problem is how their trying to solve their problem. Pay attention to process over product, on how you’re talking more so than the result you are pushing for. You may win a battle but you’re loosing the war!